Monday, 26 May 2014
Tuesday, 13 May 2014
Its so late. It's nearly 3am And I can't sleep. I'm in a lot of pain and have horrible anxiety building up. I feel really annoyed too. Same old feelings again. I've to be up really early too. Tomorrow I start a pain management course to help me deal with the pain I have with fibromyalgia. It's about coping techniques and how to manage your life around it. It's supposed to be really effective and helpful.
But I'm really dreading it. I find it hard to cope with new people. To talk in front of them etc and to do this with at least 10 people is going to be really, really difficult. What people don't know about me is i have a bad social anxiety thing going on. I get really nervous around people I don't know and get really nervous and can't speak. I must come off as been rude at times but it isn't rudeness. I just clam up to the point of nearly passing out. I can't breathe and silently panic as I know they expect me to talk and stuff. Its horrible. In college and school I never went out. Everybody would go out in school on a Friday night for example, but I stayed at home playing video games or basketball. I went out occasionally in college but it was too much. Before going I'd check online of whatever place we went to and I'd be checking where the exits were. If i didn't know, it'd be the first thing I'd check getting there. It was too much hassle and I could rarely relax to enjoy myself much.
So tomorrow is going to be a nightmare. I don't want to go. But I have to otherwise I'll get nowhere trying to deal with having a chronic illness. I tried talking about it but I know people don't really get it. So I stopped. I have sort of learned just to keep it to myself. I guess maybe I just won't get upset that way. I dunno, it's a bad night.
I moved the bed a bit earlier and hurt my back and twisted my knee a bit. The really annoying bit is, the side that isn't sore is going numb from lying on it. Frustrating night all around.
Man, I'm a moany git tonight. Maybe I should Try sleep and I'll do another blog tomorrow when I get home.
'Til then moonbeams.... Keep watching the frelling stars