Wednesday, 4 December 2013

A Very Ranty Blog

Its been a while since i wrote a blog..yet again. I used to always write stuff. In general not just here but i haven't been myself in a long time. Its been frustrating. Very frustrating! On paper i should be happy...so very happy but i just cant. A huge problem that is in the process of getting sorted out is...well getting sorted out and i wont be having that problem, hopefully again. Ive been seeing Michael a lot more this year too which is always good. I have made some truly great friends this year through facebook, on various gamer pages. Ive gotten back in touch with some people i lost contact with recently. There have been a few more positives than negatives towards the end of this year but yet i just cant feel happy. I still haven't gotten anywhere really with my condition and i feel like i slowly going back into my little anxiety corner. Ive had 3 attacks in the last 6 days and i havent had one in over a month. It really bummed me out. Ive to go to my doctor tomorrow because I'm going to need to go for more blood tests for Osto-arthritis. Praying to a non god that it isn't the case because Fibromyalgia on its own is hard enough to deal with.


The worst part is just not been in the mood to play games. I haven't been playing with Michael much at all because when i start a game i just want to stop playing a short while after. Ill start a game then turn it off. This is horrible for me because gaming takes my mind off everything. Ill put on GTAV or Borderlands and just play for hours, concentrating on the game and putting the pain to the back of my mind. But with chronic exhaustion as well it makes it near impossible. I'm  trying to 'force' myself to play thinking that once I'm playing ill be OK. But it doesn't work like that. Though having said that the only game i keep playing is Tapped Out Simpson's and recently Ice Age Village on my tablet. The Simpson's is life ruining good. I play every day so if you play add me. I need more active neighbours and would rather help out people actually playing. My ID is themadgiraffe The usual ID for everything lol Same with Ice Age. :) 

I was doing fine while i was getting therapy. I was getting Cognitive Behaviour Therapy done, or CBT for short. This was working to a certain degree with me but the therapist i was seeing left and i got another but after 2 sessions she said she was leaving it as an 'open' session meaning i could make appointments myself..In other words I'm too fucked up to help. So back to square 1. She told me to get in touch with a place called AWARE which is a help group for depression and i have. But I'm not comfortable at all with group sessions. Its in my fucking notes i have anxiety issues and find it hard to talk face to face with people so i can see where GROUP therapy is gonna work! Not!

What i hate is explaining to people all the time. I always feel bad for snapping at those around me. I don't mean too and i always apologise for said snapping but i still feel like shit for doing it. Its so much effort not to just crawl into bed and forget everything. I have lost some friends this year too. One of which i was very upset to lose and don't understand why she couldn't just talk to me. But outside influences will do that to you. I still stand by what i said and have moved on. I don't talk to my brother anymore either as he has serious anger issues and we ended up having a huge fight a few months back and haven't talked since. In fact apart from his wife's family no one in my family talks to him or wants anything more to do with him. He told a few people complete lies about me but they are bottom feeder people so i don't give a shit. Out of everyone only one aunt believes him. I know this cos i tried to tell her my side and she was barely interested so she can go fuck herself too. I asked her out straight why she didn't ask me what happened and she wouldn't answer me. Just said well one of you has to apologise and then had the cheek to say 'your Da wouldn't want this' If my Da was still alive,he certainly wouldn't have sided with my brother. He would have knocked his head off for throwing his own child out and ignoring his own mother even though she had nothing to do with it or our argument.

He went around telling people i was a junkie and said really horrible shit about my Ma, none of it true. He thinks that nothing will get back to me but the huge difference between me and him is that i actually have friends, real friends. People who he is friends with were the very ones telling me what he was saying about me and my Ma. Its funny though because he calls me a junkie for smoking weed yet was always bumming of me for 'enough for a Joint' He was taking all sorts of drugs since he was 15 and drinks heavy. But theres that old saying 'when you point a finger theres 3 pointing back' He knows i smoke weed for pain and that's all he could throw at me. I will never forgive him for saying that and for spreading rumours about me.

When people ask i just say i have a sister now. Sad really as we never have actually had a fight in our lives. I used to be so close with him but now i know what he thinks of me.

At least i know who matters to me now and who is important. Ive weeded out some nasty people in my life and am the better for it. Sometimes its hard to take that step but once you do its an amazing feeling to realise you just don’t give a fuck. An illness can really wreck someone’s life. You don’t need others to make it worse. All you do is worry to much and try to somehow fit into their life but they never show the same courtesy. If you have someone like that in your life, stop messaging them, stop making that effort. It was always me initially keeping in touch with everyone and its amazing to see who actually will make the effort. Of course because you made the effort and they rarely did they get all defensive and blame you for not been social enough. I had someone recently say that too me.. 'i haven’t heard from you in 3 weeks, friendship goes both ways' is what they said to me. I purposely stopped emailing them just to see and they proved my point. I was constantly the one getting in touch and when i stopped it was 'my' fault that they didnt make any effort.

I really hate people at times.

Next year when i get my PS4 and Vita ill lock myself away for 3 months with only doritios, chocolate and weed to sustain me :D I realise this blog is a pure rant but i need to do something productive or ill go crazy. Ugh and Xmas is coming. The only good thing about Xmas is Doctor Who.. speaking of which the 50th anniversary episode..OMG. seriously i did not see that coming. I got goosebumps when the doctor realised about Gallifrey at the end :D i wont say cos i know some people may not have seen it yet and i dont want to spoil it. :)

Speaking of which Thank you social media and everyone who immediately went online after Brian died in Family Guy. Seriously what is wrong with people! Not everyone saw it at that point and it was just ruined. I know we all knew someone was dying, a main character, but fuck you anyone who spoiled it. I loathe people who do that. Its like you say 'oh think ill watch..whatever' right, then someone goes oh man the twist at the end where the main guy does this or that and then you find out its his wife.... yeah thanks i don’t need to watch it now fucktard! I want to hit people like that.

Man i feel angry today lol i really need to stop typing or ill just rant on about everything so ill leave it here for now and go breathe somewhere...in my happy place and watch Bobs Burgers...my new fav show.  I think Sheldon from Big Bang Theory sums up what i think about Xmas in this following quote ;)

Sheldon: You bought me a present? Why would you do such a thing? I know you think you're being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift, you've given me an obligation. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. Ah, it's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year. Oh, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life...

 Till we meet again fair thee well