Thursday, 10 October 2013

Finally finished the Draft..

I never realised how much anxiety has taking over my life. I always constantly worried about things from the time I was a kid. Things for me always had to be a certain way. My crayons had to be in  particular display of colours. My Cd's weren't in alphabetical order per se. They were alphabetical in band names but if  I had a few from each band they would be in order of when they  released. I'd get very upset if this was messed up. I would laugh it off when some friends would look at me weird when I'd jump  and  ' no that goes at  bottom' I was and still am  a huge take that fan from the time I was 11. My walls were covered from top to bottom in posters. These too, were put up  particular way. I would frequently take them all down because I'd notice one was crooked. I passed this off as mad girl fandom . It would take me hours to 'get it right' when  say my room was covered , I mean it was COVERED  in posters. Ceiling and all. So this was exhausting. After school I did Art in college. I swear I'm a masochist. My paints, pencils, equipment all had to be  certain way too. I remember one day a few people forgot their watercolour pencils so they were using mine. It was really irritating me that they weren't putting them back in the 'right place' by the end of the day half were missing and half were nearly nubs or broken. Apart from the fact they were very expensive, It set off a massive panic attack. It was nearing  the end of the first year and  hadn't quite finished  projects and had no watercolour pencils left. Obviously when I calmed down I knew my friends would let me use theirs etc but at that particular point I had already 'failed' first year.
That's the problem with anxiety. It makes everything 100x worse. Most times when I have an attack I'll go to my room and just wait for it to pass. I don't want people seeing me panicking or something. Logically I know what I'm thinking is stupid. I know the chances of whatever it is I'm thinking, is not going to happen. But at that time, that train of thought won't allow you to be logical. Everything gets worse and worse. It eventually goes but leaves you exhausted and frustrated. I try not talk to anyone when I'm like that because  take things up wrong. I say the wrong things. It's better to be alone I feel. I don't want people worrying about me. I'm having one of those days today and I'm trying to just chill out. Ive recently been quite ill too.

Ok so i wrote that about a week and a half ago. This is the draft i never quite finished. So it may go off on another tangent altogether. I think today though was good. I think i managed to explain to Michael properly how it is for me. Hes been my rock the past few weeks. He going through a rough time at the moment unfortunately and i wish i could do more for him. It helps when you have someone beside you, that has your back. We are always there for each other and that's the main thing. My anxiety hasn't been to bad apart from today but I'm also in a lot of pain so i can see the link there. But lately I'm enjoying gaming again. That's a huge thing for me right now. My whole life i played video games. They were always the one thing that stopped me getting over whelmed. I used to suppress my anxiety a lot then but never realised. Its only 20 odd years later i get diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. Better late than never lol. But when i would switch on my various consoles throughout my life it stopped all that. I could relax and chill enough to get my thoughts together. I used to hate it when my nieces and nephew would be up in the house back then if i felt overwhelmed. Id always play on my PlayStation 1 with my nephew Ryan. Then there would be days id have to tell him to go away and it would break my heart but i didn't want him to see me having a panic attack but i always felt awful if i told him to go downstairs. Id get so upset cos he'd be so bewildered by it. Its the same now again with my younger nephews. Sometimes i just cant deal with them. Its to overwhelming at times. This is what i hate the most about it. But i seem to be enjoying gaming again and I'm on a trophy hunt. I need to up the ante with completing games and getting the elusive Platinum's. Its a PlayStation thing. lol

I wasn't able to talk to Michael since last Friday and finally got to yesterday. Man i missed him. It was circumstances beyond his control but i knew he was so lonely and it was killing me. But sometimes time apart is good. But i don't want it again anytime soon lol. I really have been loving our chats the last few hours. We cant play online together either for a while but hey ho :) Gives us both time to catch up on single player games :D

Ok Lego Harry Potter is calling me...i have GTA V and im playing Harry Potter. Im serious about this trophy hunt, don't judge lol :)


  1. I'm on a mission lol I need to beat certain people on trophies :D