Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Depression! is a Bitch.

I go back on here to finish a blog I was doing to find that it just hadn't saved for me. That is really frustrating. It was a piece about anxiety and my own personal experience on it. I had written a good bit on it and now it is gone. Though I'd imagine if I went on a computer it would be there. I just can't access it on my android tablet at the moment. Maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't share it yet either. I've had a very weird few days. I am having very bad flare ups the kind I haven't had in months and is left me in a bad way. I'm extremely fatigued and in so much pain particularly in the top part of my body. For whatever reason now, probably just the pain actually but my anxiety has gone through the roof. I'm exhausted yet on edge so much I can't sleep. There's no particular reason for this but my brain won't shut up. Usually playing video games helps this a lot because most games I play need attention. If i play a puzzle game my mind wanders as a lot would be just matching coloured balls or fitting bricks in together which can be done on sight rather than thinking leaving my brain to wander in whatever crazy direction it goes in. But if I play strategy/FPS/action/platform game I have to focus on the game giving my body and mind time to chill. It's so hard to describe what goes on. I know myself that it'll pass in time but waiting for it to pass is horrible. I would be lost if I wasn't a gamer. I've often been so overcome with anxiety that I could be sitting for over an hour rigid by what thoughts go through my head. So scared that what I'm thinking about could come true. It feels like everything is so fake or like, I don't actually exist... or rather if I didn't exist it wouldn't matter much.
I go back to therapy tomorrow. I say tomorrow but I mean in a few hours. I had a month break from it and I'm really not looking forward to it. Depression is a bitch. The worst part is not knowing when you'll be OK. I've had a good few weeks to be honest and just feeling like this again is just upsetting me. I hate what I think and the things that I say. I always feel like shit after. Especially when I say something horrible or stupid to Michael. It feels like an excuse when I say I can't control it. But I can't explain it in any other way. I know the depression makes me feel isolated and numb and that having an anxiety disorder on top of that along with Fibromyalgia is like total overload. I know they all feed each other too. I know what I'm thinking is illogical. I know that eventually the depression will pass. I know I'm been too hard on myself. I know my serotonin levels are on the floor. I could go on about everything i know and more, yet I can't make the link to think differently. The only good thing to come out of this is that I've started drawing again.
What's frustrating too, is that Grand Theft Auto V is out and I have it. I have never looked forward to a game as much as I have this one. But I can't get into it. Not because it's crap far from it. Its the perfect game. Its beyond perfect. It certainly lived up to its hype and deserves all the 10 out of 10 its getting pretty much everywhere. I absolutely love playing it but the anxiety is working overtime and I'm to easily distracted. I finding it hard to sit for more than a half hour at a time playing. I hate when I get like this. I want to be able to put a decent 5-6 hour session with it but can't. It's driving me crazy. It'll pass. I keep saying that so much to myself lately, its like a mantra at this stage. I got so annoyed playing Burnout Paradise City earlier because I couldn't do something on it. But I guarantee I'll go back tomorrow and do it first time round. I very rarely get genuinely annoyed playing a game, so its not a good sign. :(
Christ on a bike, I'm very pessimistic tonight. If I look at it from the logical point of view, I'm in a lot of pain and am very tired. I've no weed either at the moment so that sucks because it helps so much, especially pain wise and to help me sleep.
My irrational side is just winning over the logical side however, hence the pessimistic thoughts. *sighs*
Tomorrow I can hopefully retrieve my other draft and finish it off so it's possible there will be 2 blogs up. I'm not sure how to end this one however so let me say one thing and one thing only...
Boobs. That is all!