Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Anxiety: A short story

The ever increasing numbness creeps up again and grips the soul,twisting and tormenting it. There is suddenly a weird vortex of space where time seems to stand still and forces you to relive memories from your past. Good and bad. But the bad stand out more. Time still hasn't moved on. You don't really know what year it is, what day it is, nothing. You don't exist. Looking around nothing seems real. You are intruding. You don't belong here. You first notice your breathing has gotten shorter. Not again!

Nothing can help. In a ball on the bed trying to gain control. It's getting worse. You don't even know why. Scanning your brain to see what's in there. What irrational thought had set you off? Why are you so stupid? You are a logical, rational human being. Chest is hurting from breathing so hard. Frustration takes over and tears get blinked furiously away. You try control it. Always losing to it. Everything is hurting by now.

You start to calm down. But the persistent voice is nagging away. It is reinforcing every bad thing about you. It's hard not to give in. You are exhausted at this stage. You want to sleep but can't. This is the point where the numbness just takes over. You just don't care any more. It would just be so easy. You already know how your going to do it. Don't you? Of course you do. It's a persistent thought. So easy. But you don't. You fail at that too.

In the cold light of day it is easy to dismiss the thoughts you had. It was a bad day. Shrug it away. File it under 'let's suppress'  It seems like the thing to do. Maybe you'll bring it up at next week's session. You never do,of course.

But there's always next week!