Friday, 29 March 2013

Angry and had Enough

It came to my attention recently that some people were talking shit behind my back. One particular nasty shit of a woman was still doing it in fact. It just makes me laugh. They love the drama. They love causing trouble. They never take any responsibility for their own crazy fucked up thought processes. They never never stop to think 'wait maybe im the problem' They never say sorry. They never ARE sorry. They never think they are wrong. They would rather put all their weirdness, their strange sexual energies, insecurities and fucked up behavior on someone in a passive aggressive fashion. I should know too, as I had to put up with someone like this. Passive aggressive people are hard to deal with. They spread lies and tell things backwards, for example when they do something that is messed up they will tell others that it was someone else that said it or that did it. I've had first hand experience of this to the point where my reputation is ruined to certain people. They realise their behavior is fucked up yet enjoy it. They would rather destroy all thats good around them and then blame someone else. They dont care who they hurt nor the drama they cause, as long as they get what they want.

The funny thing is, with this particular person I could ruin their reputation among everyone they know with a few simple 'copy and pastes' to the right people. They seem to forget this. Im not in any way, shape or form a vindictive person.  But push me and I will fuck shit up for you. The one thing I learned from this person, lets call them Sloth. One thing ive learned from Sloth is never delete anything. Always keep emails and chats because a Sloth will always aways turn stuff on you when it suits them. Show certain people parts of a conversation to start trouble. So I learned to keep my emails etc to prove them wrong. And see, when I started doing this Sloth wasn't happy. Because Sloth couldn't lie anymore. So Sloth went nuclear in the end and told everyone I was the reason why they couldn't be friends with someone. I could not be fucking bothered explaining myself yet again in regards to this situation. I did nothing wrong here at all and yet im the devil incarnate. All I know is I asked Sloth to explain how it was my fault and I never got a reply. Which speaks volumes as a Sloth as we know, is never wrong!

And on another note much similar to this. I dont care much for people saying shit about me but when you start bringing my boyfriend into it and causing trouble between us, that where I take issue. Nobody knows what goes on in any relationship. If me and M are so unhappy with eachother..if he 'treats' me so bad, if im 'better off without him' and on and on, then why are we still together nearly 2 years now ??!! Could it be possibly be the fact that we practically mirror eachother in our thoughts, interests and hobbies...or could it be the deep connection we both that can't be it . Im sort of thinking it can't possibly be the fact that we love eachother deeply and the one time we very nearly broke up,it tore the hearts out of us..maybe the fact that we both found happiness and love with each other that we never thought possible and aren't alone anymore...No,the real reason we stay together to piss people off. I love been with someone that 'treats me like shit' and he loves having with a 'clingy jealous' girlfriend who cant have any friends with. Seriously look at his facebook page..theres only me now im all he needs. #overly attached girlfriend ain't got nothing on me.

SERIOUSLY! :D people need to start looking at their own lives before they start pointing out faults to others. What's lacking in your life that you feel the need to interfere and try ruin other people's happiness. Something is lacking in the head to go to the degrees of crazy that I've experienced (and know from moles is still going on) The problem with passive aggressive people is that they get so used to manipulating the other person like a piece of putty so when they start seeing through you and stand up for themselves,theres less passive and more aggression. Usually it's directed at that person for a while and if there's no reaction they involve friends and family. To waste your time and energy doing this to another human is pathetic way to live. Accept that you were the problem and make amends. But of course noone would do that because it means telling everyone your a pathological liar and a bully. That's psychiatric shit right there.

It bugs me that someone has been spreading lies and rumors about me and it bugs me more than others would rather believe them than come to me. You are just helping the bully and thats just as bad.

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Long Distance

Hey ho,

Im having the weirdest night ever. Im in a lot of pain tonight,my heads pounding and im freezing cold. Im stressed out so much and can't even say why. I haven't been able to spend much time with my boyfriend lately. I just dont know what's going to happen in the future, my life is spiralling out of control and im powerless to do anything about it. My heart is breaking and I can't stop crying right now. Everyone is tearing me apart. I just want him but it seems impossible right now.

Long distance relationships are hard. You need trust,love and friendship. You need commitment to eachother, time for eachother, compatibility, you really need to want to be with that person and not just something that's online for the craic but there's a back up at the weekends. You have to REALLY want to be together. Most peoples relationships if they dont live together, is based on seeing eachother maybe 3-5 days a week depending obviously on the seriousness of the relationship. But try going months. It's horrible. You miss that person desperately and durning those times when you really need eachother it hurts the most. You miss all the little things, hugs and night time chats cuddled up together. If I had the money I would move to England. But it's not just that simple for me as im also getting treatment and most likely will be for at least 6-9 months. He takes care of his dad. So its a rock and a hard place situation.

Then the inevitable comes.. 'who's moving in with who'.  It's not just across the country or a few counties up, it involves one of us moving countries. Albeit only across the water to a similar country. My boyfriend is been made redundant next month. Its such a horrible thing to happen :( I do hope he finds something soon, im sure he will as he's fantastic but it just feels like everything is against us lately. It just all feels hopeless. We were supposed to go to my cousins wedding next month in Cardiff but I can't afford to go now.  It just sucks so much.

To think of not been with him is too upsetting to even think about and it's what had me awake right now despite the fact that im so tired and teary. When we are together, we have the best time. He just gets me. He's so patient too and has been a rock to me the past few months. I just feel comfortable with him. I can be myself with him. We are deeply in love despite what some might think and it kills us both been in this situation. He makes me happy and even if it takes a while ( just kidding babe:) he always says the right thing or something that makes me smile despite myself. We have the best chats and the weirdest chats. We like the same stuff more or less, games,movies (generally,he like his 'boy' movies, gory and gross, I dont lol)music,food, everything.  It's like I've found 'my one' but yet we can't be together and im pushing him away because im afraid.

  I know im making myself worse too with my fibromyalgia getting so worked up and upset durning a flare up, plus yesterday was my dad's anniversary. He died 6 years ago after a short battle with cancer. It still feels like it wasnt that long ago and at times is still quite raw. So I guess im overly emotional right now.

Maybe I should stop writing and try get some sleep though. Zzzzz

Sunday, 17 March 2013

Religion and it's nonsense!

Hello everyone!

St Patricks day has come and gone and I avoided it all. Paddys day, for an Irish person living in Dublin in particular, can be nightmareish. Every tourist wearing over grown green hats, green glasses,green ties, everything green. Navigating the city centre for the simplest of things is a task and a half. The city just goes on holiday. It's a bank holiday this weekend because paddys day was on a Sunday so everyone has tomorrow off. The legend of course, about St Patrick was he came and rid Ireland of the snakes, turning a lake red with the blood among other tales. But in reality 'St Patrick' was actually sent to Ireland from the British to convert the pagan Irish to accept God. The 'snakes' was actually the names the British gave the non believers. Patrick, 'beloved saint' and the guy we dedicate an entire day too, was ordered to kill the 'snakes' Rid the land of them. The lake that 'spilled with blood and turned red' was actually the blood of the pagan Irish who refused to convert. So to me the very idea of celebrating the day to a murderer seems slightly weird. Ireland,for centuries was very much a pagan/ Druid country. We lived a peaceful life ,not bothering anyone until mostly the brits kept repeatedly invading us and under punishment of death we had to accept religion. Id imagine we would have been a much more progressive country had religion not been enforced on us and moulded the rather fascist religious doctrine that dominated this country for many, many years. Im not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination. Since I was 7 I saw it all as bullshit and stopped doing religion as a subject in school as soon as I could. My religion teachers hated me lol. I was very quiet in school, but in religion I could never keep my tongue. It's all so ridiculous to me.

I get quite annoyed in town, when I see the abortion protesters. They are usually outside the main post office in the city centre, the G.P.O. What I find most offensive with them mostly, is the huge posters they have of aborted fetuses. They are so horribly graphic and disturbing. There's no need. Most people who support that shit though are religious right wingers, bored church going housewives and the weirdo young ones who you just want to instantly wedgie lol. But they are so in your face, so aggressive. They are sanctimonious pricks. I think a womans body is her body . What she chooses to do with it is her business. I personally wouldn't have an abortion but it's not my place to tell you if you can or not and it's certainly not up to the half formed creatures who fight so venomously to keep it illegal. I know there are some people out there who have abortions without another thought and that, but for a lot of women they are absolutely torn at doing it and never forget it no matter how many kids they might have. At some point in everyones life they have to do something that tears them up inside. You dont know what you would do faced with such a decision. Thats why I cant stand these religious freaks dictating to everyone about 'killing' babys. I dont know anyone at all whos had an abortion but as a woman I can't even begin to imagine making that decision. Imagine turning up at a clinic to have these nobodies screaming at you all in the name of 'god'. Because that's just it. It's not their actual belief system it's from a dusty old fairy tale book that they take their views from. They live by a set of rules thats been rewritten time and time again. It would make quite the comedy sitcom if the reality wasn't quite so bleak.

I saw a documentary a while back that really disturbed me. 'jesus camp'  a 'charismatic' teacher, Becky Fischer, 'trains' young soldiers in “God’s Army” at a camp in North Dakota. Some of the kids emerge as likable and bright, and eager to continue their work as pint-sized preachers; elsewhere, the visions of children speaking in tongues and falling to the floor in ecstasy are more troubling. Even more disturbing is the vision of a generation of children home-schooled to believe that the Bible is science, or Fischer’s certainty that America’s flawed system of democracy will someday be replaced by a theocracy. I had to stop it a few times as it was quite disturbing to watch kids screaming crying because this woman is shouting at them that they are all liars and won't admit they love Jesus at school and to their friends. It's a powerful documentary and how she manipulates these kids particularly 3 young lads, is beyond freaky. It's child abuse quite simply. Take the religion out if it and its child abuse. It's on netflix I know and it's worth a peek. I saw it on a documentary website so if you dont have netflix you can find it im sure on youtube etc, but definitely worth watching.

Michael is atheist so we have no disagreements at all on that front. If we had kids there's no christenings etc. For me, if I ever got married I always said a registery office or in a forest would be so nice. A church wedding is out for me. You have to go get 'counselling' from a priest. A priest! A celibate child molester. And attend church for at least 6 weeks before the wedding. Bunch of crap. If I get married it's because I love the person im with. If I agree to marry someone it's because I've already decided that person is right for me. If I get married it's because I found my soulmate and my missing piece. I dont need a man in a dress 'counselling' me about marriage and telling  what is required of me as a wife. The very notion is ridiculous

'girl from mars' by Ash is playing, how apt. I am quite strange lol

Im pretty sure I will write more on this tomorrow. Im only awake this late because im in agony. My fibromyalgia is so bad today. Im exhausted and want to sleep but the pain is keeping me awake. There's a reason why im like this but I just want to sleep now haha. I shall l definitely write more tomorrow. I have photos I want to put up too :)

Till then my moonbeams, goodnight and good luck :) xx

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Killers and Tv Shows

The hardest part about wanting to write is knowing where to start. Then when a train of thought comes into my head i suddenly remember i have dishes to do..its 1.50am .. I cant just think 'ah sure, ill do them in the morning' i swear, its an OCD thing . It'll bother me if i don't do them. Its quite spooky in my house too at the moment so the fact that my kitchen looks dead ahead of my back garden i am not going to enjoy this. Various horror scenes run through my over active brain right now but the ocd part of me is thinking of the dishes lol... Off to my inevitable doom i go. Typically, its also stormy and raining out. Perfect horror movie scene death. I reckon ill get my throat slit open by a 9 fingered Schizophrenic midget in a pig mask, who has an addiction to sugar donuts and Freddo's.

OK, so i made it back and not a slasher in sight. I really let my imagination run away with me at times ;)

I spent most of today watching cartoons and Monk. Monk is a detective show along the lines of Murder She Wrote but hes got Ocd's and nearly every panic disorder in the book. The plot lines are implausible and over the top. The cops in it are unbelievable but its sooo good lol. I mean, the 7 seasons of it. If you've never seen it , go watch it. Its hilarious, and bad and great all rolled into one. I have a weakness for shows like that, Heartbeat, Murder She Wrote, Columbo etc.. Great viewing lol

I like Criminal minds too but really don't like CSI. I love the X-Files.  I always have. Its one of my favourite shows ever. I was crazy about Fox Mulder :D I love Quantum Leap too. You always waited on Sam's last leap home but it never came. So poor Sam is still hopping in and out of peoples bodies saving lives. I'm not really all that keen on TV nowadays. TV was definitely better in the 80s/90s. Though i do love certain shows now, there was just something about 80s shows and movies. I swear even Xmas was better in the 80s.All the best toys came out then.  It was an exciting time for consoles and gaming companies, Mr T, Airwolf, Alf, the list goes on. The music was good and dodgy as was the fashion. Good times..good times.

 My Dads anniversary is coming up soon so I've been a bit away with the fairies. I hate this time of year. St Patricks day is coming, though if most Irish people knew the true meaning of that day, i doubt we'd be celebrating it haha. But I'm far too tired to go into that right now. Its a bit of a nothing blog about nothing in particular and i know i did want to bring something up but its gone out of my head now. ah sure, it can wait for another day. The bed is calling me...

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Monday, 11 March 2013

Love, Life and Mneh

OK then, so yesterdays blog was a bit...on the extreme downside. I have been having a very bad few days and have been very hard on myself. As Ive mentioned before i have a house guest and am trying to juggle my time so everyone gets a piece of this giraffe lol. But its been hard. i want to please everyone but cant. Its all just been building up and I've been waking up with pains in my stomach from trying to keep it all together. I prefer helping others cope with their problems because it takes my mind of mine. I have been over analysing everything i say, whats been said to me, I'm taking things up wrong, Ive been taking up the wrong way in things i say, its been a nightmare. I'm over thinking about my replies to people in case they take it up the wrong way. But the weird thing is, is that its just me causing this. No one IS taken me up wrong.I'm over thinking the situation too much that its almost happened already in my head. Its fucked up. I know it hasn't happened but the the stress of what might be taken up wrong has me second guessing outcomes. I actually don't know if that makes sense to anyone but it has my head fucked. I was looking back at photos from just about a year ago and how happy i looked and felt. It feels like a lifetime away.

Nothing in particular has brought this on. That's the despairing thing. I really as fine one day and then suddenly i wasn't. I was doing things very out of character, flying of the handle, that sort of thing. Looking back i think i knew where i was heading but i just couldn't fight anymore. I am getting help. It feels like a safety net to me right now. I am been taken serious. I have been told that's this a problem. I don't feel like I'm going mad anymore. I wish it could have happened a bit sooner but i don't feel like I'm floundering so much anymore. Your mental health is so important, so do get help if you feel like anything I've described before. The mind is a powerful thing if its in trouble. I'm still scared to death ill do something stupid someday if I'm been totally honest.  I don't know who i am anymore and I'm just lost.

But you know something there have been people there for me. Just sending little random messages and emails. I will write about those people in a different blog because I'm going to get sidetracked otherwise lol.. but they know who they are and know how much i love them. The reason why I'm doing that is because i just wanted to take a bit of time out and say a few things about Michael. He has been totally amazing throughout all this. Without him i don't know what i would have done. Hes my soul mate. I know this for sure and we have a bond between us that is rare to find in another person. I have been taken my frustrations out on him a lot, blaming him for stuff and just been a sucky girlfriend the past couple of months. He is genuinely so patient with me even though I'm sure he bangs his head of the wall in frustration at me, and so loving. Hes just there for me and i know it kills him knowing I'm suffering. I guess I'm just writing this now because its coming out a lot more coherently now than it has in the past few months..I often forget he's also going through this with me. I get so wrapped up in myself that i forget he's upset too. I feel like shit over some things i said to him and fights that i started out of nowhere. That sort of thing is so out of character for me and i feel like shit that i did that to him. God knows he had enough of that before.

Our song has been constantly going round my head and when i see the photos of us together on my wall , my stomach still flips when i see his smile. I miss him so so much and cant wait to see him next month. Hes my 'one' i know and i want everything with him.He has been so amazing throughout all this with me and i just cant express how much he means to me.  He just has this way of making me smile against my will lol. When I'm trying to be annoyed at him, he just makes me giggle with his answers or his reactions. Not in a bad way obviously but he can be so oblivious sometimes, bless him lol. Fuck! now I'm making myself miss him more.This is one our favourite pictures of us together. It was taken just before my flight home and i knew then, that i had met someone extremely special

Weird Days

Im having a very weird day today. I am very down and upset about one thing in particular that im not going to go into right now as it's quite personal. But today (Sunday) has been difficult. Im really quite exhausted by it all and I am quite sleepy. But I thought id try get a few words down before I do.  I have been struggling quite a bit with my depression lately. Days like today, it just takes over. It's incredibly difficult to understand and to deal with myself so to try make others understand it near impossible. It gets very lonely and isolated. I've always grown up feeling Like an outsider. All on the outside looking in. I've never quite fit in with anyone or any groups. Im awkward and shy and have problems dealing with large groups of people. I dont understand why people like me or want to be around me.

My confidence has hit rock bottom. Several things have happened in the last few years that have hit me hard. I dont like leaving the house. I like been by myself and using a keyboard to talk to my friends. I feel like a prisoner and it all seems so bleak. Depression is a cunt. As I said my self confidence has hit rock bottom. I feel like the ugliest person in the world. I am lol. I can never do anything right. Even when I joke around ,it's always the wrong thing or time and I just piss people off. I dont know what my purpose is.I dont even know why my boyfriend sticks it out with me. Or any friends. Im not enough for anyone. It's as simple as that. I dont deserve anyone or anything good happen. Im a total washout.

I know one day it'll pass and everything will be rosy in the garden once again, but right now it's a struggle. If I wrote how I was really feeling here id probably be strapped down and sent off to the funny farm. What a throughly depressing blog this has been. But im told it helps to write and stuff. I dont one but there's a part of my soul that's been hard to bare. Enjoy picking over the bones :)

Thursday, 7 March 2013

A Blog

Hey hey hey,

I have made a few changes to my blog as you can see. I thought id jazz it up a bit. At the bottom there is now a language section so you can now translate my blog into whatever language your little heart desires. Also you can see how many views my blogs got too, over 4000. Which is really nice and bizarre to know that many have read it :) So whats new? I have been quite stoned for the past week, that was nice. I haven't really been smoking so much weed the past few months but my friend is here for a while and we indulged a bit :D So the past week has been a bit of a smoky haze to be honest. But its all back to normality now. The catching up has been done and my gaming needs to be attended too ;) I'm weirdly awake tonight, yet i have to be up early. I hate that.

So my passport fiasco has been sorted out..sort of. They lost all my documents for a while and apparently my pictures didn't pass the strict photograph rules. Its so annoying as i got it done in a photo booth place. It said the picture was fine and past the standards yet they tell me theres a white light on my glasses. So hopefully ill have it in a few weeks and i can go see Michael. This shit only happens to me i swear. Speaking of Michael, he recently got me FarCry 3 for my PS3 which we have been playing for the past 2 days. We finished the co-op really quickly as its not that hard. I was quite surprised at how easy it was. So we started it again on the next level of difficulty before deciding that the 'insane' mode was better to start with so were doing that now. Its still a bit easy though. I find we only start to suck when we both get to tired, then the next day we go back to it, its done in  a matter of minutes LOL. But all in all, from what Ive been told and what i have played so far, single player is sooo much better.

I just want  a game like Resident Evil 5 again, something really absorbing. ( 'Get Resident Evil 6' i hear you shriek) I know when we start the DLC in Borderlands it'll be like that again. See, i bought some DLC and usually game share with Michael but because i got a new PS3 and had deactivated my old one, he cant get anything of me for another 2 months. After you deactivate a PS3, you usually have to wait 6 months before  you can deactivate it again. Ive had 3 ps3s of various storage sizes 40gb, 320gb and now a 500gb one. But i never properly deactivated my first one. Its a very long winded way of explaining it but because i now have a new ps3 and had to activate my account on it, he cant get anything for 6 months till i sort it. But towards  the end of April i think he should be able to download of me again.

Ive been having a weird few days too. Ive not been feeling like myself at all. I'm in quite a bit of pain, not sleeping great and feeling so unsure about stuff. I really hate feeling this way and feel like ill never get out of that funk. I can feel myself slipping again and cant stop it.Id love if someone could just come along and take it all away from me. I just want a break from it.  Depression is a bastard!

 'Eyes bemused, a disconnect, A dream of hidden death,

Saturday, 2 March 2013

Puzzles games and Nonsense

Hello, Its been a few days since my last blog as i have a friend staying with me for a while. Hes an old friend of mine from way back and he isn't very well. So hes recuperating here for a while. So because of that i haven't really had any time to do much but now in the still of the night i can gather my thoughts for a bit and write some nonsense about whatever comes to mind right now.

I'm, at the moment playing Flower on PS3. Ive had it ages but never really played it. I'm on the 4th flower now and really getting into it. You basically control a petal and sweep along other closed up flowers, to release more petals to replenish the surrounding areas. It uses the motion control on the Sixaxis controller and is such a pleasant game to play :) Have a link to see yourself...

Michael recently got Black Ops 2 which made me very excited lol. Ive been dying for ages to play it with him. He recently got the DLC for it so we've been playing that tonight and having a great chat and a laugh. Its nights like tonight especially, i am so glad he is in my life. He makes me laugh and smile even when i don't want too. Hes been so unbelievably awesome the past few weeks. A rock in my life. Just tonight was so nice to just have one of those nights together. I needed it so much. Hes pretty special to me and its an amazing feeling to know when you know someones just right for you. You can spend years in a relationship with someone that suddenly ends one night and then meet someone a couple of years later that you just know in a matter of weeks that they are just perfect for you. Love is funny like that.

'A Thousand miles seems pretty far,
But they've got planes and trains and cars,
I'd walk to you if i had no other way,

I am also going to be doing a separate blog.A new one. A different one to vent on and that certain people cannot read basically. So when i do have that up and running i will say here and if you want to read it just post your email in the comments or email me and ill link you to it. To be honest its gonna be a brutally honest blog about certain situations in my life etc.. No holding back ;) but i don't want to do it here as so many friends and family and creepers read this blog lol..So yeah when i do it ill say it here and if you want the link you'll have to mail me or leave your email :)

And the fourth flower is done :) Damn this games addictive as hell lol. I tend to go on mad gaming buzzes with games like this. I'm always like 'one more level' and then its 6am and I'm bleary eyed. The last game i got like this with (puzzle game) was 4 Elements. Which i still haven't quite finished but i haven't played it in ages either. I love puzzle games but get sooo addicted to them. Theres one i play on my Android tablet a lot called  'Alchemy' The basic premise of the game has been around years, but its still a classic, combining various elements together to create new ones. Unfortunately my tablets not working very well so i haven't played it in a while.

I think ill play my fifth flower then head to bed. I need to be up fairly early tomorrow :) So my crazy moonbeams i shall leave it here until next time. Toodles!