Thursday, 7 February 2013

The Great Golb and Manchild

The following blog is a story i wrote when i was incredibly high one night. I found it recently and thought id share it ..your welcome


And it was there Golb stopped ,he smiled as he beckoned the Manchild over. The Manchild scuttled over and Golb smiled and he tried not to look too sickened at the sight of Manchild. 'I need you to tend to the garden of Nazereal, you must cut berries and leaves but you must NOT touch the Capillary Bush under any circumstances..or you shall start an intergalactic war, none of which we have ever seen'  The Manchild nodded eagerly. Golb sighed. He was unsure that the Manchild had understood but he had an appointment with Archangel Bigbewbs and her sister Angel Wetbum. He had no choice but to entrust the Manchild in his precious Garden.

OFF YOU GO YOU HIDEOUS VILE VAGRANT he bellowed.. The Manchild scuttled off with shears in hand and a vacant look upon his face.

And Yay, he cut the berries and sheared the bushes and it came to pass that Manchild stumbled upon the Capillary Bush, Been the simple soul he was, began to trim the Precious capillary Bush and unleashed Holy intergalactic destruction of awesome magnitude. And lo it was said only cockroach's and Manchild survived the thermo-nuclear fallout. Coming back into the garden, Golb, wearing the scorch marks of the said fallout asked the Manchild how he felt he handled the task? Manchild lowered his head and mumbled his apologies. The great Golb held up his hand impatiently as if to say STOP with the nonsense

'ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT' he roared

The Manchild breathed a sigh of relief thinking he had been spared punishment for his intergalactic mistake. Golb threw back his head and laughed scornfully

'you didn't think you'd get away with it that easy did you' he asked, prodding the Manchild in the chest. Manchild fell to his knees pathecially . Golb pulled him up to his knees by the hair. And yay, the Manchild let out a high pitched shriek of anguish. Suddenly Golb remembered he had important things to do and went to take his leave.

After he left the garden, the Manchild sank to his knees shaking, thanking his lucky stars that no further punishment was administered. When he was done sobbing in relief , he raised his baldy little head and saw that The Great Golb had not left the Garden at all and was towering over him.

'did you think i forgot to punish you? he asked

Before Manchild could answer, Golb declared that his punishment must be doubled. He explained to the Manchild that it was the proper thing to do as Manchild  should have reminded the Great Golb that he was to punish him and he should have demanded it right there.

'you have failed as both a servant and a man' Golb said. 'that is why you shall henceforth wander the lands as Manchild..failure as a man and a freak of a child. Men shall recoil at your hideousness and women shall shriek in terror.You will be written into children's horror stories and you shall endure the scurvy'

Manchild bowed his head and thanked Golb for his wise punishment. Golb was wise indeed and knew mockery alone -vicious though it may be- could not redeem Manchild and had him write Room for improvement on every tree in Nazereal

'and you must do this in blood' Golb said quietly..'ass blood'
and yay the Manchild wept.....

THE 11 AND A HALF COMMANDMENTS OF GOLB

1. Thou shall furnish forth gifts to Golb every 2nd week of Nargaleton
2. Every 3rd Winterday, thou shall wear and proudly wear, the Sash of Shame and remember the shame of the Manchild and the culling of the Capillary Bush
3. You shalt not bear false witness to any sort of animal particularly Herbivores or your crops will surely wither and you will endure a wet willy for life
4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours dog. to do so would be weird and punishable by death
5.Thou shalt not steal. To steal is to steal from Golb as Golb is creator of all and therefore owns everything.
6. Thou shalt not go more than 55mph in a 60mph zone.Golb created all time and space. Golb says speed limits are there for a reason and to break them will break his heart resulting in him breaking your face
7. Golb deems it so that you must covet your neighbours hot wife and nubile teenage daughter,You must realise your family suck and Golb knows you could have done so much better.
8. Thou shalt build 25foot statues of Golb. He is not a shy man. the bigger they are the more you love him.
9. Every 9th of Loomsday , Golb expects platters of fruit and rodents to be left at the golden Temples Gates as declarations of love and eternal gratitude that Golb is your one true God
10. Though he is a kind and forgiving Golb, Golb expects you to skin and drag the carcass of any man,woman or child through the town if they are committing an act of vandalism on the Great Golbs image.
11. All your first born must be called Golb. To not do so will ensue his wrath
1/2. Pitchers of the villages Virgins blood must be left on the doorstep of the Great Golden temple of Golb every half day in april of the Eclipse of a new waxing moon. Golb is most insistent on this.

Some Manchild Proverbs:

A Manchild in the bush is worth two in the hand..and is usually wanking

Though little, Manchild is tasty

The fat frog awaits its prey.The Manchild eats it

Worse things happen to Manchild

Working boots never fit manchild.Lazyboots fot grand

In.out.in.out Shake Manchild about


2 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. That was the idea. Now you understand Golbs wrath and will serve him

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