Saturday, 16 February 2013

Im breaking down!

I had an appointment the other day in the hospital where i was diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety disorder and mild Agoraphobia. In a way its such a relief not to think I'm going mad . I was put of medication and have started on a small dose for now but it will be increased after a week. I have been suicidal and at the end of my rope. I haven't been able to see a way out of, god knows what. I have terrible anxiety attacks and they grip me so much i cant move. I feel very vulnerable writing this because i feel so weak and opens me up a lot to people. That scares me. I don't like opening up to people. I don't like admitting i need help. I have failed at my own life and it feels horrible.

Since last night Ive been gripped in utter fear and cannot stop panicking. My chest is sore and i am finally starting to calm down i think. But that's down to two amazing people in my life My wonderful boyfriend Michael, who has done so much for me today more than he knows and my London twin and forever friend for life,  Naomi Woods-Gray who last night saved my life. Both these people have saved me over the last few weeks and have no idea how much. Saved may be a bit dramatic but i cant put it into other words. And both these people mean the world to me. I'm drowning in a sea here and they keep me going.

I had to tell my family too which was hard. To tell anyone you cant cope is hard. To tell the ones you are closest too is the hardest. I hated telling my mother and emailed my brother and sister. I don't want anyone thinking I'm a loser. That i fail so bad at life. I cover things up so much and pretend I'm fine. I suppress everything and its so dangerous to do that. I feel like I'm one more attack away from having a breakdown. Ive set my own life goals so high and have put to much pressure on myself. I hate how i look and i hate my body. I'm tired of running away from my head. I'm tired of the world.I'm tired of the shit that goes on. I'm tired of people interfering with me and Michael. I'm tired of all the crap that goes on. I'm tired of caring so much about people that don't give a shit and worrying about them. I'm tired of getting taking advantage of. My fault i know. I'm tired of having no confidence and I'm tired of feeling so scared and out of control.

Earlier childhood experiences have fucked up my life, experiences throughout my life have just left me weary and old. I'm 32 years old but feel so much older. I feel like I'm letting everyone down.I feel like I'm letting Michael down. i just want to feel happy. I want to have one year where i just have fun. That i can just enjoy my life and not feel so fucked up. The world in general is such a harsh place and makes everything feels so much worse. I'm just tired.

When i have one of these attacks i feel scared because it feels like my heads going to explode and ill do something stupid. I have to wait it out and one hour seems like a week. Its like been caught in a bad acid trip and feeling like theres no way out. I hate bothering people when I'm like this and all i need at the time is not so much to be told it'll pass and ill be fine (that helps obviously) but i need to be distracted by anything.i need people to talk shit to me, tell me stupid things, tell me what happened to them that day ANYTHING. i need to be talked down. Anyone suffering from this needs to be talked down, I get so lonely, i feel like I'm the only one in the world and I'm all alone. I need to feel like things are real. It feels like I'm the only one on earth left and its so isolating. I can hear the white noise in my head and i get so overwhelmed. My head hurts so bad right now as I'm calming down so maybe i should just leave it here for now.

I've seen as well that Ive hit over 4000 views. That lightens my heart a little. If anyone has got a blog out there let me know. Ill add it into one of my posts and share it for you :)

I'm also trying out GIMP. The unfortunately named graphics package on Ubuntu, I shall share what i create on this blog as well. My boyfriend gave me a graphics tablet last year and then this tablet so i have a nice little set up going on and need to get back into creating art and work because its one of the few things i still have control over in my life. I'm gonna try attempt to do some kind of graphic novel using Golb and Manchild as my sources of inspiration :)

I'm far to sensitive i know. I know i can never say no to people. I know i give to much of myself to others and neglect myself but i don't now how to cope. I am getting help and i will be getting help for at least a year. I'm really just writing this blog in the hope that maybe it might help someone out there or indeed someone may have gone through this and can offer me some advice.  I will be able to write a bit more about this when I'm not freaking out so much and try give better information and experience over the next few months.

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