Monday, 25 February 2013

A Late Rant

So tomorrow, technically today I have a friend come stay with me for a while. Which will be fun. As the first day will just be spent just getting pure stoned,having a catch up,listening to music and getting stoned some more. Before he inevitably crashes out at 9 lol.  I haven't seen him in a while now so it will be a nice distraction for a few weeks. Im in bed now,it's 1.30 am but im in bits. I spent the day tidying up the spare room with my mother, had to finally tackle the dust bunnies in my room and do shopping. But I am feeling it so bad now. My back is absolutely killing me. I have pain shooting down my legs and my knees are just throbbing. This all after a horrible headfuck of a weekend.

I had a bit of a weird episode over the weekend. Im not going to go into too much detail as I dont want to bore anyone but it really brought it home to me I guess how fucked up I feel. Another friend of mine is suffering from depression too and it really helps us both to talk to eachother. I guess we both see if one is getting a tad 'eccentric' and usually jump in to help.  My computer wasn't working over the weekend so I only saw certain comments on her wall after and felt bad cos it was like I dropped the ball. It seemed to long after to bring it up as it is a sensitive subject (the particular comments) and felt it was better to have not said anything..but now im thinking , no I should have said something. We both agree though that cannabis is helping us more than the anti depressants. The ones that I am taking aren't addictive. There's no dependancy on them at all. Im not a fan of pharmaceuticals at all. Im highly suspicious as most are just placebos or can do more harm than good.I would always be highly skeptical about 'happy pills' but it takes hitting rock bottom to realize it's ok to get help. I spent the last year or so 'trying' to pretend I was ok. Hiding behind the facade. I dont ever want to feel the way I have the past few months. It was horribly isolating and very damaging.

I was able to switch my meds overnight. I was told they take 2 weeks to really kick in. Im on my second week now. So fingers crossed I'll start feeling a bit better and stop feeling so blue. Michael has been so supportive the past few weeks in particular. It helps to have people that you can bounce off and chat too. But he deserves a medal. :)

I know I had something else to write about but I cannot remember. Im getting a lot of friend requests on PS3 lately for some bizarre reason lol. Must be my awesome skills ;) likewise one night my Twitter exploded and had about 15 people follow me in less than an hour then I woke up next day with 10 more followers. I never thought I'd be the Twitter type, in fact I was quite against Twitter. I thought it was nonsense but a friend asked me to join to give her more followers lol and I did. Now im addicted to it. Thanks Adriana lol.


If you have Twitter add me and I'll follow back, search....


I usually put my most random thoughts there. If by random I mean stoned :D so dont expect anything exceptionally profound or life changing. Just me usually talking about finding the best cheese puffs or having first world problems! :-)

I did something odd today and probably will confuse some Spanish guy. He added me after we played Red Dead Redemption online and send me a message with one Spanish word. I had no clue what it meant and googled it. It turned out to be something like 'friends' or 'posse' or something I cant quite remember. Thats not the odd bit. The odd bit is, I went and got google to translate 'I dont speak Spanish im sorry' and messaged him back. Then I thought, 'i just told him I dont speak Spanish yet I sent him a message in Spanish' lol another weird thing that happened in Android related news, the stock keyboard I have on my phone is a random racist keyboard. Among other things it has 'predicted' for me I was messaging Michael the other said and mistyped as I often do and was meant to wrote the word 'said' instead it came out 'saud' which lead to the prediction 'a Saudi assassination' I shit you not. When I use the word 'muggles' it predicts first miggles then 'niggles' then the  N word. I often write 'lop' instead of 'lol' too. This annoys me so im sure the recipient of the message is pretty irritated by it too :-)

Another thing that annoys me so much is when people write the wrong way on purpose. For example......

'hey bbz, w@nNA cum ovr2 mine b4 we goez tew d@ klub, im wering mai shawt skirtz cuz I lyk it'

it's not 1995 people. Most of us have smart phones. You aren't even limited to 140 characters so stop writing like a 4 year old. And in other news,  'that' has just dropped the 'h'. It's now spelt 'tat' and 'thought' is now 'taught' and 'baby' is either 'baybeh' 'bebe' or 'bbz' It really gets my goat, there's no need for it. Spell properly damn it. I can understand if you have problems, dyslexia etc but the majority of you dont. You got an education. Stop been so damn lazy and spell properly. It's ok on Twitter, everythings always ok in Twitter. You are tied to a certain set of characters. But not on On Facebook you can write what you want in a huge status window. No limits. Unless Zuckerberg wants you dead.

Then you're fucked.

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Giraffe ramblings

This will most likely be a very short  blog. I am finally coming out of the horrible breakdown over the weekend but feel exhausted. I feel like I could literally sleep for days. Waking up only for food and to pee lol. I am very comfy in bed and it is raining outside. I feel really snug and warm and it's nice not to have my head going around and around in overwhelming circles.

It's a really weird feeling for me to be sleepy. Most nights I battle with myself to go asleep but the last couple of days I took some pills to help me sleep and ive barely got beyond 12. Tonight I forgot to take them but im really sleepy now. It's a good place to be.

I have friend staying with me next week for a few weeks. So that should be fun. Then my cousins wedding in Cardiff and spend time with Michael that week too. Providing my passport comes through in time *fingers crossed* I've been reading a lot about the ps4 which should be getting unveiled soon. The new controllers look awesome. I still want to get a vita and a wiiU though ;)

Something ive observed lately on facebook, particularly on pages that you might 'like' is they are putting up pics of themselves or asking if anyone wants to see pics of the admins. If it's not that it's them putting up status' or saying something in order to get a shit load of compliments of random people they dont know. Some of these admins think they are God's,the bullshit they come out with. I've unliked quite a few pages the past few days for this reason. Self congratulatory nonsense for a 'fan' page or a comedy page. They content you expect is in the name of the title but noooo.. Click onto any random page and they at some point today have either,(1) put admins pics up.(2)ask who the best admin is (3) ask who the worst admin is.. And so on. It's just so boring now. I remember a couple years ago just having a bit of banter with loads of people nearly every night. Now hardly anyone is on it.

Another thing that annoys me on Facebook is the same admins taking 'geeky' pictures of themselves and then talking shit about been a nerd, been too pretty and other just hate on them and using really bad language thinking they are so bad to the bone. It impresses noone. Or my favorite 'yeah id eat a girl' shut up no you wouldn't. Your living in your fantasy world of gumdrops and fairytales. A magical land where all you pretend to be is true.

They just annoy me. Or pages posting the exact same post. You look through your newsfeed and you see the same picture over and over again. Like Grumpy cat. The funniest thing ever until certain pages went nuts on grumpy cat and lo and behold a million memes came out. All pretty much saying the same thing. It killed the joke.

Ok I better park it here as im nearly asleep lol Till next time moonbeams :)

Saturday, 16 February 2013

Im breaking down!

I had an appointment the other day in the hospital where i was diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety disorder and mild Agoraphobia. In a way its such a relief not to think I'm going mad . I was put of medication and have started on a small dose for now but it will be increased after a week. I have been suicidal and at the end of my rope. I haven't been able to see a way out of, god knows what. I have terrible anxiety attacks and they grip me so much i cant move. I feel very vulnerable writing this because i feel so weak and opens me up a lot to people. That scares me. I don't like opening up to people. I don't like admitting i need help. I have failed at my own life and it feels horrible.

Since last night Ive been gripped in utter fear and cannot stop panicking. My chest is sore and i am finally starting to calm down i think. But that's down to two amazing people in my life My wonderful boyfriend Michael, who has done so much for me today more than he knows and my London twin and forever friend for life,  Naomi Woods-Gray who last night saved my life. Both these people have saved me over the last few weeks and have no idea how much. Saved may be a bit dramatic but i cant put it into other words. And both these people mean the world to me. I'm drowning in a sea here and they keep me going.

I had to tell my family too which was hard. To tell anyone you cant cope is hard. To tell the ones you are closest too is the hardest. I hated telling my mother and emailed my brother and sister. I don't want anyone thinking I'm a loser. That i fail so bad at life. I cover things up so much and pretend I'm fine. I suppress everything and its so dangerous to do that. I feel like I'm one more attack away from having a breakdown. Ive set my own life goals so high and have put to much pressure on myself. I hate how i look and i hate my body. I'm tired of running away from my head. I'm tired of the world.I'm tired of the shit that goes on. I'm tired of people interfering with me and Michael. I'm tired of all the crap that goes on. I'm tired of caring so much about people that don't give a shit and worrying about them. I'm tired of getting taking advantage of. My fault i know. I'm tired of having no confidence and I'm tired of feeling so scared and out of control.

Earlier childhood experiences have fucked up my life, experiences throughout my life have just left me weary and old. I'm 32 years old but feel so much older. I feel like I'm letting everyone down.I feel like I'm letting Michael down. i just want to feel happy. I want to have one year where i just have fun. That i can just enjoy my life and not feel so fucked up. The world in general is such a harsh place and makes everything feels so much worse. I'm just tired.

When i have one of these attacks i feel scared because it feels like my heads going to explode and ill do something stupid. I have to wait it out and one hour seems like a week. Its like been caught in a bad acid trip and feeling like theres no way out. I hate bothering people when I'm like this and all i need at the time is not so much to be told it'll pass and ill be fine (that helps obviously) but i need to be distracted by anything.i need people to talk shit to me, tell me stupid things, tell me what happened to them that day ANYTHING. i need to be talked down. Anyone suffering from this needs to be talked down, I get so lonely, i feel like I'm the only one in the world and I'm all alone. I need to feel like things are real. It feels like I'm the only one on earth left and its so isolating. I can hear the white noise in my head and i get so overwhelmed. My head hurts so bad right now as I'm calming down so maybe i should just leave it here for now.

I've seen as well that Ive hit over 4000 views. That lightens my heart a little. If anyone has got a blog out there let me know. Ill add it into one of my posts and share it for you :)

I'm also trying out GIMP. The unfortunately named graphics package on Ubuntu, I shall share what i create on this blog as well. My boyfriend gave me a graphics tablet last year and then this tablet so i have a nice little set up going on and need to get back into creating art and work because its one of the few things i still have control over in my life. I'm gonna try attempt to do some kind of graphic novel using Golb and Manchild as my sources of inspiration :)

I'm far to sensitive i know. I know i can never say no to people. I know i give to much of myself to others and neglect myself but i don't now how to cope. I am getting help and i will be getting help for at least a year. I'm really just writing this blog in the hope that maybe it might help someone out there or indeed someone may have gone through this and can offer me some advice.  I will be able to write a bit more about this when I'm not freaking out so much and try give better information and experience over the next few months.

Sunday, 10 February 2013


A little something serious in between good old Manchild ;)

A few months back I was told that I have Anxiety Disorder. I haven't told many people that I suffer from this because it's been hard for me to understand whats actually going on when I get an anxiety attack. It's quite normal for most people to get anxiety attacks from time to time. Everyone suffers with stress and get a bit panicky usually before a test or faced with a problem or making a difficult decision.  It's often handy if you are in a situation where your 'fight or flight's kicks in as you get a rush of adrenaline.  Anxiety disorders are very different though.  For anyone diagnosed with anxiety disorder fear and worry are overwhelming, constant and can be paralyzing.

There are several types of anxiety disorders, such as panic disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, social anxiety disorder and a few more. I suffer with 15 out of 18 of the following symptoms..

* feelings of panic,fear and uneasiness

*uncontrollable obsessive thoughts

* repeating thoughts or flashbacks to traumatic times


* ritualistic behavior, constant washing of hands etc

*problems sleeping

*cold or sweaty hands

*shortness if breath

* palpitations

* an inability to stay still

* dry mouth

*numbness or tingling in the hands or feet


*muscle tension

* dizziness


* a fear you're going mad

* feeling detached from your surroundings

They class Anxiety Disorder as a mental illness. I guess that's why I didn't want anyone to know. There's a stigma attached I guess. Many doctors agree that these disorders are caused by a number of factors including changes in the brain and environmental stress. I've always hated living in the city .I used to live in a place in Ireland called Drogheda. And as much as I hate to admit it , I miss living there. Life seemed a bit less hectic. Its got a slower pace to life or something. Dublin is so busy and noisy.

Ive done all the usual stuff, cut out caffeine etc but when I get an attack it's horrible. I got 2 today which is what prompted me to do this blog. I may as well try to describe what happened. So I got up earlier and I felt fine. Went to the shop,came back had something to eat and went on my computer to download some graphics programs. Then I went to my room to play a bit of PS3. Michael came home from work and I was chatting to him for a bit and then decided id get something to eat as we arranged to play Borderlands2 that evening. Then suddenly out of the blue I got an overwhelming sensation over me. All these horrible thoughts were entering my head and I tried to control it. But I couldn't. I started breathing so heavy and got so cold. My hands were like ice and my body was twitching uncontrollably. My head was just static and I became paralyzed by everything. I wanted to disappear and couldn't see past all the thoughts. I was so fearful about everything and everyone,every situation. I was overwhelmed with worry about every little thing. I felt like im not good enough for anyone or anything. My mouth kept getting dryer and my hands were hurting me they were so cold. I just wanted it to stop but it wouldn't for nearly an hour. Its like mental torture. It's exhausting and frightening. It's happened to me outside too and I've become nervous about going out. I just had the same thing happen to me in the last hour. I am mentally exhausted and hoping that tomorrow will be easier.

It's been an incredibly difficult thing to live with the past few years but only in the past couple of years it got much worse. For the most part I kept everything hidden from everyone around me. Making excuses not to go places, that kind of thing. I become panicked if im too far from home and not feeling too good. I get panicky meeting new people,often worry about what people think of me, I can't handle say for instance, been at a party and  I dont know anyone except who I went with and get anxious if im left alone. I can talk the ears of anyone in a one to one or very small gathering (but that has to do with my fibromyalgia too. It's hard for me to concentrate when there's a lot of people or a TV is on)  I constantly wash my hands and hate shaking peoples hands that I don't know. Even in games I play, if there's something to collect, like say 12 jewels but you have to escape I HAVE to get them even if I die several times. If I cant get the 12 it has to be in 2's. An even number. It's so annoying but I have to do it. I also avoid watching the news as much as I can. I worry about the world, if I have kids would this be passed on? Michael leaving me for been crazy, my friends thinking im a loser or a freak, my family thinking im aimless or lazy. People thinking it's all in my head. Im starting to panic again.

It's a horrible cycle. It hasn't happened in a month or do and now 3 in one day. It always floors me and makes me feel isolated. Alone. I have extremely low self esteem I know. When I need to explain something it always comes out better when I type. When im face to face I just can't say what I need to. I listen to music to calm down mostly or I'll draw something but a lot of the time I just dont have the time to do any of that as it overtakes me and brings me in a nightmarish ride. I am seeing someone now and have an appointment in a couple days again. I really hope it helps me because I dont know if I can handle these anxiety attacks for the rest of my life. Only time will tell.

Saturday, 9 February 2013


The following was told to me in a dark pub one winters night. I took shelter and wanted something hot to drink while i waited for my bus. The stranger paid for my drink but i never did see his face as he kept his hood up and out of the light. Now one particular part may offend some people but they arent my words, they are that of the strangers. so be warned before you read any futher


The Manchild awoke with a start.He rubbed his crusty eyes and as the eyecrust fell he wondered dimly what had awoke him. Then he remembered he had a dream. He roused himself from bed and took his thin,grey hideous body into the bathroom.He fumbled at the light and looked in the mirror. A bald and warted face looked back at him. He had the type of eyes that would make one think ' the lights are on but theres nobody home' As he stared back at the yellow liver diseased eyes that stared back, a sort of 'dull' light went of in his eyes. He remembered the dream. He had dreamt of a place, a land where he would be accepted and would have friends.He would be a king...A tear oozed from his eye and he ran to pack his bags, thinking it was real and he had had a vision.

Early the next morning, he boarded the Midget Shuffle bus and went to the west of the land. He was the only one at the back and he stared out the window with his big googly eyes and pressed his moley nose against the window (he would later ,leave a big green streak but that's another story) He finally arrived and didn't notice the driver trying and failing to swallow his sick as the mere sight of manchild. (The driver projectiled vomited over a man with Parkinsons and it kind of had a domino effect as everyone got covered)

Manchild ran as fast as his spindly little brittle boned legs could carry him.He ran though the town, bulgy eyes shining as he looked around for signs of his welcome, the roses that were to be thrown at him, the throne awaiting his hambone, spotty ass..he started to slow down he looked at all the horrified eyes staring back at him, fainting women, men sticking matches in their eyes trying to erase the sight of him. He halted to a stop and felt that familiar warm liquid run down his legs. It was a lie, his brain had lied to him he thought..'hahahaha' he heard his brain say back. 'you are in cousinfuck-upon-shire' 'NOOOOOOO' shrieked Manchild. 'Theres no Mantopia..theres..NO....mantopia, nothing, he realised but cousins fucking eachother ..He looked around at the 'freaks' as he thought of them..(bit rich coming from him but im just telling the story) 'theres no Mantopia' he thought despondent. He dejectedly walked back out of the town to the sounds of vomit and shrieks of 'WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT' tears in his eyes, he boarded the Midget Shuffle bus

Meanwhile, miles away, over a babbling brook, a tree was reaching into the night sky, all gnarled up like an arthritic hand clasping the full moon, stood the village of Mantopia, stood the Grand Manchild and a welcoming committee waiting for the arrival of the chosen one

Thursday, 7 February 2013

Sleepless in Dublin

Great Golb 2 blogs in one night! i hear you roar.. Yes faithful reader, I'm here again burning the midnight oil so to speak. I cant really sleep so I'm playing Sleeping Dogs and blogging randomly throughout the game. I  really like this game. It was free on PlayStation plus this month along with F1 Race Stars and a couple others. Myself and Michael played F1 Race Stars yesterday for nearly 4 or 5 hours. Its great fun. Like Modnation racers but F1 style. We got loads of trophies, think i got 10 and he got 13 cos he played the single player while he waited on me to join. Hes had a few earlies this week and didn't sleep a wink last night so hes been more or less asleep since he got in from work so i decided to play Sleeping Dogs and answering his random 'suddenly woke up' messages lol. Hes been asleep now for a few hours straight. I hope he sleeps until he actually has to get up. I hate when he gets so tired like that. I feel so sorry for him because he has to deal with phone calls then for hours in work.Which id imagine is mind numbing at the best of times but to be so tired and trying to deal with the muggles..*shudders*

I really like Sleeping Dogs. Its like Grand Theft Auto but in Hong Kong. Theres loads of missions to do and you work for both the cops and the bad guys. You do favours for people as little side missions, beat up gang members, extort money. All the fun stuff. You can upgrade your Cop and Triad skills and unlock various styles of fighting.One thing i really like in the game is the ability to ram the car chasing you or the one you are chasing. Tap square and you ram them of the road. Its pretty sweet.  I loved the Demo and wanted to get this game, so when it became free i grabbed it right away. Its well worth a go and if you like GTA you will love this and seeing as GTA V isn't out until September this will do nicely. Though it is 15 quid for an ice cream in the game..which seems excessive! And 25 for a chicken on a stick. Daylight robbery i say. Theres 'lockboxes' around the city too.So keep an eye out for them.They contain clothes and money :)

I'm contemplating another J. Not to get stoned, that's just a bonus but more for medical reasons. I haven't been too well the past few days. I flared up pretty bad a couple days back and had a bad anxiety attack. I couldn't breathe and was just panicking about everything. Luckily Michael was on hand for me. He just kept chatting away to me and telling me to stay calm.Hes really great with stuff like that, i know he thinks he isnt but he does so much for me, he has no clue. I felt bad because he was tired and then this happened. Its a horrible feeling. Its like everything just comes crashing into your head all at once. It overwhelms you and practically paralyses you. Its like you feel like there is no way out and it just becomes suffocating. I absolutely hate it and i hate how vulnerable it leaves me. A couple of times i have been outside on my own and this has happened.It stressed me to the point that i collapsed and didn't have the energy to stand back up. That scared me a lot and now i sort have become a bit nervous going out. I wont go out durning flare ups..except for today because i had some important stuff to do but i am feeling the result of it now. My neck, shoulders arms and head are just burning with pain. The pain in my neck is giving me a bad headache too. But im off to bed soon as i publish this blog :)

Goodbye for now Moonbeams

( P.S. I decided against the J as i will fall asleep and it will be a waste of a J lol )

The Great Golb and Manchild

The following blog is a story i wrote when i was incredibly high one night. I found it recently and thought id share it ..your welcome

And it was there Golb stopped ,he smiled as he beckoned the Manchild over. The Manchild scuttled over and Golb smiled and he tried not to look too sickened at the sight of Manchild. 'I need you to tend to the garden of Nazereal, you must cut berries and leaves but you must NOT touch the Capillary Bush under any circumstances..or you shall start an intergalactic war, none of which we have ever seen'  The Manchild nodded eagerly. Golb sighed. He was unsure that the Manchild had understood but he had an appointment with Archangel Bigbewbs and her sister Angel Wetbum. He had no choice but to entrust the Manchild in his precious Garden.

OFF YOU GO YOU HIDEOUS VILE VAGRANT he bellowed.. The Manchild scuttled off with shears in hand and a vacant look upon his face.

And Yay, he cut the berries and sheared the bushes and it came to pass that Manchild stumbled upon the Capillary Bush, Been the simple soul he was, began to trim the Precious capillary Bush and unleashed Holy intergalactic destruction of awesome magnitude. And lo it was said only cockroach's and Manchild survived the thermo-nuclear fallout. Coming back into the garden, Golb, wearing the scorch marks of the said fallout asked the Manchild how he felt he handled the task? Manchild lowered his head and mumbled his apologies. The great Golb held up his hand impatiently as if to say STOP with the nonsense


The Manchild breathed a sigh of relief thinking he had been spared punishment for his intergalactic mistake. Golb threw back his head and laughed scornfully

'you didn't think you'd get away with it that easy did you' he asked, prodding the Manchild in the chest. Manchild fell to his knees pathecially . Golb pulled him up to his knees by the hair. And yay, the Manchild let out a high pitched shriek of anguish. Suddenly Golb remembered he had important things to do and went to take his leave.

After he left the garden, the Manchild sank to his knees shaking, thanking his lucky stars that no further punishment was administered. When he was done sobbing in relief , he raised his baldy little head and saw that The Great Golb had not left the Garden at all and was towering over him.

'did you think i forgot to punish you? he asked

Before Manchild could answer, Golb declared that his punishment must be doubled. He explained to the Manchild that it was the proper thing to do as Manchild  should have reminded the Great Golb that he was to punish him and he should have demanded it right there.

'you have failed as both a servant and a man' Golb said. 'that is why you shall henceforth wander the lands as Manchild..failure as a man and a freak of a child. Men shall recoil at your hideousness and women shall shriek in terror.You will be written into children's horror stories and you shall endure the scurvy'

Manchild bowed his head and thanked Golb for his wise punishment. Golb was wise indeed and knew mockery alone -vicious though it may be- could not redeem Manchild and had him write Room for improvement on every tree in Nazereal

'and you must do this in blood' Golb said quietly..'ass blood'
and yay the Manchild wept.....


1. Thou shall furnish forth gifts to Golb every 2nd week of Nargaleton
2. Every 3rd Winterday, thou shall wear and proudly wear, the Sash of Shame and remember the shame of the Manchild and the culling of the Capillary Bush
3. You shalt not bear false witness to any sort of animal particularly Herbivores or your crops will surely wither and you will endure a wet willy for life
4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours dog. to do so would be weird and punishable by death
5.Thou shalt not steal. To steal is to steal from Golb as Golb is creator of all and therefore owns everything.
6. Thou shalt not go more than 55mph in a 60mph zone.Golb created all time and space. Golb says speed limits are there for a reason and to break them will break his heart resulting in him breaking your face
7. Golb deems it so that you must covet your neighbours hot wife and nubile teenage daughter,You must realise your family suck and Golb knows you could have done so much better.
8. Thou shalt build 25foot statues of Golb. He is not a shy man. the bigger they are the more you love him.
9. Every 9th of Loomsday , Golb expects platters of fruit and rodents to be left at the golden Temples Gates as declarations of love and eternal gratitude that Golb is your one true God
10. Though he is a kind and forgiving Golb, Golb expects you to skin and drag the carcass of any man,woman or child through the town if they are committing an act of vandalism on the Great Golbs image.
11. All your first born must be called Golb. To not do so will ensue his wrath
1/2. Pitchers of the villages Virgins blood must be left on the doorstep of the Great Golden temple of Golb every half day in april of the Eclipse of a new waxing moon. Golb is most insistent on this.

Some Manchild Proverbs:

A Manchild in the bush is worth two in the hand..and is usually wanking

Though little, Manchild is tasty

The fat frog awaits its prey.The Manchild eats it

Worse things happen to Manchild

Working boots never fit manchild.Lazyboots fot grand Shake Manchild about

Saturday, 2 February 2013

To be nice or not!

Do you ever feel like sometimes you've been pushed too far with people? Like, no matter how nice you are to people,no better what  you do for them, the first opportunity that comes along they just screw you over. I've had my far share of this over the past year now and am at breaking point with everyone. Im sick of getting walked over all the time. Im sick of getting blamed for everything because id rather keep the peace than cause trouble. I can't even probably write about what's wrong without implicating people and situations but 2 people, actually 3 cos 2 are in it together, have all fucked me over in a major way and im seriously pissed off.

The 2 that are involved are 2 people I did a pretty big favour for separately but one person who is a chronic whinger with really weird sexual preferences, like really weird shit lol (claws are out tonight ) and is quite happy for others to fuck him over cos he's a little bitch like that and the other is someone who hates women and has a tendency to mind fuck people and passively aggressively drag you into an argument , decided to spread a rumour about me that is wholly untrue and downright spiteful. I did absolutely NOTHING on these two people. Nothing. They are two little gossipy queens have nothing better to do than spread a nasty rumour about me. The circles we move in this naturally got back to me. At first I was fuming ,typically Aries head in me I was already tearing their heads off and swinging their lifeless corpses around Templebar...but then I calmed down.

The other person I did a favor for was just before xmas. It basically involved money and me ending up completely broke because I was promised the money would ve back to me 2 days after I lent such thing. I couldn't even buy gifts at xmas for my family...I was promised it back before the New Year...not a cent 2 months later im still waiting on it. I will get it back because I know the person really well etc but it ruined my entire xmas/new year. I got so stressed out by it all that I got ill and couldn't eat for nearly a month without puking. All this because I help people out. One of my friends told me I should stop been so nice all the time and im beginning to think she's right. Maybe I should just turn into bitch and be done with it. Cos been nice isn't getting me anywhere with anyone. Everyone fucks me over and im left, always getting hurt by it. If I just close myself off and turn up ice queen mode id get more respect from everyone and people would think twice about messing me about. It works for every other bitch out there doesn't it?? Thats what I see's always been like that. Noone likes 'nice'

I've grown very disillusioned with people lately. I can't even talk to anyone about it which is why im blogging noone will read it as such or take much notice but at least im getting it out of my system and talking to noone in particular cos you're a good listener and dont interupt me.

It's weird how sometimes you hear a song and it fits perfectly with how you feel right there and then and almost explains how you feel or how you are thinking at the time. Roysevens song 'The Big Blue' is that song for me.

Watch "The Big Blue - Royseven" on YouTube

Apologies for the poor audio but man it's a great song.  plus the lead singer Paul Walsh is hot ;)

I've been flaring up pretty bad the past few days too. Tremors, pain,headaches,thoughts.. My wrists,arms and shoulders have been so bad. I've got sharp stabbing pains in my elbows and hands. My left hand keeps cramping up and it's like my fingers are getting stabbed with hot needles. The pain is so intense right now I feel sick with it. It'll eventually pass I know but damn it's bad. Im going to sound so girly right now but I really need a cuddle :(

I also got turned down for disability which I have to appeal now im the next 10 days. Its extremely frustrating and it's hard to get it for Fibromyalgia. Its hard to get it for anything really. People with terminal cancer are told they are fit for work. It's ridiculous. So now I've to go get my doctor to write me a letter for them explaining my chronic pain and chronic exhaustion. My inability to do normal everyday stuff. It's not like it's what I want but right now I cant work and need to find something that will help me. It is depressing and isolating and definitely not what I had envisioned my life turning out like :( But it is what it is and I have to find solutions and ways to handle it.