Thursday, 3 January 2013

Random Writing at 4 am

I have a theme tune from a cartoon stuck in my head. I used to love the show as a kid bit every time I hear the words 'pole position' I get the theme stuck in my head on a tortureous loop. It drives me crazy so here's a link to it..

You're welcome ;)

So im just randomly writing a blog cos im having trouble sleeping lately. Im mentally exhausted yet I can't switch off. I can usually control that part of me by smoking weed only it's been really scarce lately and the overthinking is on overdrive. I can barely afford it but it's worth making a couple of sacrifices for it.  Im so tired right now yet can't sleep. I have noticed that I have nearly 4000 views on this blog. It's hard to believe it's got that many views.but thank you to whoever does read it. Feel free to leave comments down below. I don't bite unless im asked ;) tell me how great I am, how bad I am, how unbelievablely good I am in bed send me lolcats, I do like my lolcats. Though Grumpy Cat is so overused lately. Overused like a fat womans arm shovelling cake in her fat podgy mouth.

Actually thats something there now. How some people can allow themselves to become so big, so fat. I understand people eat for comfort and all that. Everyone does that at some point. But a few years ago I put on a couple extra stone. I felt it on me and it felt horrible. The breaking point came for me when I had to go up a size in my clothes. I simply lost the weight by eating right and exercising. I just dont understand how some people can just get as big as they are. Dont get me wrong, im talking about the really big ones. The ones you see on tv shows etc. I mean as long as you are happy in you're own skin and all that, that's cool. Im just trying to work out though, why they put themselves into danger health wise. Everyone puts on and loses weight only to put it on again and it becomes a vicious circle. I hate seeing teenage girls in particular worrying about what size they are. As a teenager you are going to fluctuate in weight. It's normal and happens to everyone. But you are a teenager and believe me  when you say ' oh man look at me im soooo fat' you usually aren't. My 3 nieces are all skinny bitches yet worry about their weight lol

Isn't it weird how certain things affect you. Like how we bring baggage from previous relationships into new ones. This has been a particular problem for me lately im slightly ashamed to admit. But the thing is fibromyalgia has a nasty branch of 'overusing the brain' the only way I can describe it is, say you have a fight with someone and while you both sit in different rooms fuming what do you think about?? The fight of course. You go over things in you're head replaying it. That's what it's like for me a lot. Except there's no 'making up part' that you can just forget about whats happened and move on. I obsessively think about stuff. Mostly when I have a flare up like now.

The worst part of it is that I take it out on Michael. But also the weird part is , that I don't realize it at the time until my brain starts to slow down a bit then I feel awful. I know it seems odd but that's how it is. But do you know what, he is genuinely the most patient guy. I know it kills him when I get like this durning flare ups because he feels helpless but you know, him just chatting to me throughout those times helps so much. He never believes me when I say that to him. But it's true. When we are together and if I have a flare up, the way he takes care of me is unreal. When we were in Cornwall durning one of our last days there I got a bad flare up. He covered me in his snuggie and just held me till it was over. When I came out of the flare up, it was dark. But he never let me go. It was just the nicest feeling in the world to have someone like that in your life.

And you know, we have had our ups and downs but no matter what went on in the past ,no matter who tried to break us up, jealous ,selfish people im so happy that we stuck together no matter how much poison was been dripped into our relationship from certain individuals we still are together. Stronger and happier than ever and even though he doesn't think so, to me he is wonderful and im so happy we are still together and so in love.

I only wish I could see him more. I miss him so much.

We were playing Borderlands 2 tonight. We finished the game and unlocked a different playthrough but we aren't to sure how to access it but have a fair idea. We decided on another playthrough but choose different characters. He's a Commando now and im a Bezerker. He was an Assassin and I was a Mechromancer in the first playthrough. I love the game so much I could just play it all the time. Id love to level all 5 characters up.

I've recently start playing call of duty: world at war and I love it lol.. I've had it ages but always loved the modern warfare series. I couldn't sleep a couple nights ago so I start playing it. I have a few modern warfare games in my ps2 ,all world war 2 ones. When I played it online I found it funny that only 4002 people were playing it compared to 145,000 that play MW. What struck me too, was the fact that noone was camping,waiting for you. Everyone was running around. I really enjoyed it. The Nazi zombie mode is fun too. The old weapons took a bit of getting used to but it didn't take me long to get into the swing of things.

Ok now. Getting tired now so im  going to try for a few zzzzzzz's
Laters moonbeams :)

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