Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Some decent people out there....

I just thought id blog about something horrible that happened yesterday.. So i went over to get a couple things in the shop and had to get a stamp in the Post office. A little girl who had down syndrome about 4 years old was in front of me. She kept popping out at me and i was was pretending to be frightened.The queue was quite long and this was going on for a while. But it amused her no end and her laughter would melt the most frozen of hearts. Then she kinda banged into a guy in front and he turned around and shouted

'Keep that THING away from me, fucking Mongo'

I stood frozen for about 10 seconds looking at him in shock then i felt a guy behind me kind of pushed me out of the way and said to him.. 'you can either leave or be thrown out NOW APOLOGIZE' He wouldn't of course and 2 more guys came up and lifted him up and carried him out telling the security guards what had happened. He was told not to come back that he was banned from the shopping centre.The lads got a huge round of applause. It lightens the heart to see decent people left in the world :)

In this day and age it was shocking. Gone are the days when kids like here were put in orphanages etc. These 'things' are human too. They are just that bit more special. If you ever had the privilege to meet a child with special needs you know what I'm talking about, I had a little cousin Suzie, who was handicapped but at your peril would you feel sorry for her. She died when  she was 10 from heart failure. I think i was 12 or 13.I couldn't bring myself to go to the funeral as even at that age i knew seeing such a tiny coffin id start screaming crying. She was beautiful. Big blue eyes, huge head of blond curls. She looked like an angel. She just wasn't meant for this world but we had the privilege of knowing her for 10 short years. Her little brother who was severely handicap died 3 months later. He was 4. My aunt had fostered suzy for 10 years. Her birth mother couldnt handle 3 kids all with disabilities. It was a horrible time but even now we still talk about her, her obbsession with always looking good, she never went anywhere without her hairbrush, the teasing she'd give you.. Every now and then she'll pop into my head and still makes me smile. She left a massive gap in our lives.

So to hear that dirtbag yesterday made my blood boil. I used to mind a little girl Amy, who had disabilities too so its close to my heart

In other news i applied for my passport ages ago and still waiting on it. Its getting quite annoying. Its been about 5 weeks now. Ive emailed them today so fingers crossed. Really want to see Michael. Though its gonna be twice in a matter of weeks at this stage cos we are going to my cousins wedding in Cardiff in April. Im sorta hoping we can sneak in the new Dr Who Exhibition  thats in Cardiff too LOL But we'll spend a few days doing something too. Ill most likely be there now for his birthday at the rate the passports taking.. I just miss him so much.Its been too long.

Bit of a short blog today im afraid, its one of my resolutions to do more blogs , more everyday stuff and to showcase my artwork because im starting to paint again and have the creative bug flowing through me. :)

So ill leave it here moonbugs and dont be afraid to leave comments. Its totaly open now so you can anonymously do it now to ;)

Friday, 25 January 2013

Call Of Duty!

I find it kinda weird that I write a blog. I know I have a lot of people reading it but the comments never show that. Even if I ask specifically for people to give me feedback. Hell even my own boyfriend doesn't but will on other blogs. Maybe im just to boring I dunno. What do you want me to write about. Throw some ideas at me. Anything and I'll do a blog for shits and giggles. Want me to write a story? Tell me what you want in the story and I'll write it..movie review? music review? I'll give my honest brutal opinion..you can comment anonymously, give fake name, anything just give me something to go on. Also I really should follow those who have followed me. It's not me been rude it just always slips my mind to do it but after I finish this I will follow you  :)

So the other night I went to play Black Ops online. I wanted to rank up a bit and wanted a break from the career mode. (which is BOSS) I can't believe I just said boss...aaanyhoo I decided id be social to and plug in my headset.  As usual the room was mostly guys ,as usually campers everywhere, as usual I screamed WHAT THE FUCK! So many times at the screen. I will never get campers or the 'boyfriends' the ones who go around in twos and you might kill one but the other will always get you. That does my head in. I have definitely improved so much in these games. My online kills average around 10 to 12 per match and I feel they would be so much higher if people didn't camp so much. It's ridiculous. I remember one match in the 'slums' a rather excellent level , I played a team deathmatch with a decent room and got 21 kills. Next game I got 17 then 20 ..then I accidentally quit out of the room and ended up in a bogey room and just got just 7 kills. It's frustrating.

The reason I even mention this is because I started playing Call of Duty World at War a few months back. I decided to try online to see how it fared. Not ONE camper in sight. Everyone running around and just having fun. I played loads of online games and really enjoyed myself. I didn't play so well cos I dont know the maps at all so was trying to find my way around. But I got a few kills in. I know a lot of people dont like the WW2 games and weapons, Michael doesn't at all. Which is unfortunate cos I like to play it. But id never dream of making or asking him play it. There's nothing worse than playing a game you hate for hours.

Say what you want about whether Call Of Duty is the best or that Battlefield is...the truth is, as long as you enjoy playing whatever game that's all that matters. I get so annoyed playing C.O.D but I also love getting annoyed if that makes sense lol. Campers get on my wick so much but fuck it's satisfying to get one. I like battlefield as well but I hate the fact you dont get an option to play privately with your friends.. Battlefield is a beautiful game visually and a bit more challenging but as a noob coming into the game the ability to play privately would be most welcome. To get used to the controls, firing etc. Unfortunately it's not there.

So im a C.O.D girl. I recently finished Black ops 1. To say the ending shocked me was an understatement. I actually was opened mouthed and thought 'm god Mason, what have they done to you' I love the fact that C.O.D has the ability to suck you in like that . That you become so emotionally involved with the characters and get a bit teary at certain deaths.

Myself and the better half finished Saints Row 3 today. If you haven't played this game and only played 2 you'd be forgiven for thinking SR3 would be poo. It isn't. I swear, if you need that little filler in between now and Grand Theft Auto V Get SR3 . It has sex dolls,it's has drug packages, it has gimp men pulling people around in carriages, it has Shaundie, sick vehicles,wrestlers and a giant fucking dildo as a weapon..why are you still reading this GO BUY IT.

My friend Ash gave me a load of PlayStation stuff today too. Microphones,buzz controllers,singstar games, ps2 games,original promos etc.so I was a happy bunny. I love it when stuff falls into your lap like that. My old original ps2 ,which I have since it's release day stopped reading certain discs so i knew it was on the way out. I have nearly 500 games alone for PS2 and its one if my firm favorites so this distressed me greatly when it started to fail. I sent out an SOS on facebook and ended up with 3 ps2s lol. But Im slightly digressing..one day last year my friend Eoghan popped by and happened to mention he was on his way to sell his slimline silver PS2. Saying he hardly used it etc and had said I've a load of games for you I'll hardly get anything for them so take your pick ,whatever you dont have. I got an extra 15 games of him, (he had previously given me a folder of PS1 games too) a lot of classics I found hard to get and then he said if you need a PS2 sure give me 15 quid and its yours. I snapped it up naturally. I prefer the bulkier ps2 although the slimline looks sleak and sexy. It's just to fragile. There's more padding around the original ps2 it's safer or something :D

Im always keen to get bits n bob's for my PlayStations in general and wouldn't mind getting a multitap and another guitar for my guitar hero for 2 player mode. I really would love to get the drumkit too for my PS3. Id actually love to get the Beatles Rockband set. A drum,guitar,microphone,and a bass if im not mistaken.I remember seeing in sale in HMV for 50 quid but the boss was so big id no way of getting it home :(.. I also got 3 games a few months back that I always wanted  for ps2 which was Gitaroo Man,Shadow of the Colossus and Parappa the Rapper. It always pleases me when I find a right bargain. Gitaroo cost me 18e, shadow of the Colossus was 20e and Parappa was 15e but for such hard to get games, I hit the jackpot.

Im also getting back the rest of my stuff that was in storage on Sunday. That will be like Xmas for me. It's all my books,art stuff, DVDs,some games,CDs etc. I am going to be selling certain games too next week so I can get Far Cry 3. Particular ones that I'll be selling will fetch me a certain price and I have a spare boxed ps3 controller that if I get store credit for rather than cash I'll get something like 35e for it. Plus I have a camera to sell as my camera on my phone is HD and pretty much one of the best. So I dont need the camera as such. So hopefully they will take that too. Along with some DVDs and boxsets. I plan to just get store credit than the cash as it's a lot more and I can get a couple things out of it :) im a collector though so Its hard to part with them haha

Im running out of steam now so I best end it here. But please, leave a comment ,tell me I suck tell me im great, tell me a joke , I dont bite unless you ask me too ;)

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

So whats new Mr Magoo!

Poor HMV.it's not going to be the same without it. Im honestly not a fan of stealing music. I love buying a CDs.I've around 700 CDs in total.a lot I know but each CD has a different history behind it. Personal stories..though Shakiras 'oral fixation' was a random stoned buy in fairness. I remember getting terribly giggly as I remembered the lyrics to 'whenever wherever' and buying it. Not my finest moment. But see the thing is, illegal downloads has ruined the music industry in my opinion. Im not going to say I haven't downloaded songs cos I have . But most of the songs have been out years and I also actually have the CDs. Im only guilty of downloading a handful of songs that I can't get anywhere. Like rare Conor Obsert/Bright Eyes once off songs that aren't on any albums. But I know people whose entire collection is illegally downloaded. I think it's wrong and as a result a shop like HMV,something like 90 years in business, now have staff doing sit ins to get their wages. It's a sad state of affairs and I for one, will miss going in and perusing for hours. Sure there's Tower Records and Golden Discs, but HMV just had something about it. It's the end of an era sadly.

I am very tired after spending hours in hospital today. Im in bed now and I just can't get warm. Im in a lot of pain and am quite upset. Always at night :( the nights like this, I just feel so alone. Chronic illnesses are hard to deal with at the best of times but somehow I always manage to make it worse. I say somehow, I know how and I shouldn't be around people. Im no good. Times like this I just miss certain people been in my life. I always say the wrong thing or I just can't get my brain to work quick enough to explain what I mean.I feel so stupid half the time. I should be just left on an island by myself.

I was told today I have chronic hyperventilation. Ill be starting a round of 'therapy' to get this sorted but can be quite common in chronic illnesses apparently. I just wish more information was available and people would understand more. They want to label chronic illnesses now as 'mental health disorders' which is going to have such a negative backlash to it. It's bad enough that say with Fibromyalgia,like I have, you spend years thinking it's all your head. Then you get diagnosed and you realize you aren't going mad. That it's real, it's painful,it's exhausting but it's REAL. Then to be told it's a mental health problem. It's messed up. It's detrimental in fact. But these 'experts' know dont they??!! Rhetorical question by the way ;)

Oh I start painting again. I did a canvas, did some crafting, specifically scrapbook pages and did some drawings and have another canvas prepped. :) I plan to also be a bit more active here so expect to be bored a lot.

Anyway just a short one for tonight just to vent a bit.

Laters, Muggles

Monday, 21 January 2013

Cannabliss! Pain and Relief

As you know or don't depending if you read my blog I have fibromyalgia and C.F.S chronic fatigue syndrome aka M.E) I was diagnoised a little over a year ago and i am still pretty much at square one with how to treat it.. Fibro is a very painful condition and its symptoms include ymptoms of fibromyalgia include:
  • Chronic muscle pain, muscle spasms or tightness
  • Moderate or severe fatigue and decreased energy
  • Insomnia or waking up feeling just as tired as when you went to sleep
  • Stiffness upon waking or after staying in one position for too long
  • Difficulty remembering, concentrating, and performing simple mental tasks ("fibro fog")
  • Abdominal pain, bloating, nausea, and constipation alternating with diarrhoea (irritable bowel syndrome)
  • Tension or migraine headaches
  • Jaw and facial tenderness
  • Sensitivity to one or more of the following: odours, noise, bright lights, medications, certain foods, and cold
  • Feeling anxious or depressed
  • Numbness or tingling in the face, arms, hands, legs, or feet
  • Increase in urinary urgency or frequency (irritable bladder)
  • Reduced tolerance for exercise and muscle pain after exercise
  • A feeling of swelling (without actual swelling) in the hands and feet
Fibromyalgia symptoms may intensify depending on the time of day -- morning, late afternoon, and evening tend to be the worst times. Symptoms may also get worse with fatigue, tension, inactivity, changes in the weather, cold or drafty conditions, overexertion, hormonal fluctuations (such as just before your period or during menopause), stress, depression, or other emotional factor.

Im on Cymbalta and Anmitriptilyine as well as Ixperim for pain relief. I woke up this morning in agony with my ankles,knees and wrists as well as feeling ice cold and a slowly developing pain is creeping across my shoulders now.My head feels heavy and sore and I'd love to be just left alone, no offence to anyone.I'm just finding it hard to physically talk and keep up with conversations. I absolutely hate feeling like this and would give anything not to have this condition. I don't like to say illness as i feel it gives it to much power. At least if i say condition i feel i have some control over it.

C.F.S is quite debilitating the symptoms of that include...

  • Fatigue
  • Loss of memory or concentration
  • Sore throat
  • Enlarged lymph nodes in your neck or armpits
  • Unexplained muscle pain
  • Pain that moves from one joint to another without swelling or redness
  • Headache of a new type, pattern or severity
  • Unrefreshed sleep
  • Extreme exhaustion lasting more than 24 hours after physical or mental exercise

As you can see they mirror certain Fibro symptoms so to have both conditions leaves me physically and mentally exhausted most days especially in the winter times.  I cannot work for the foreseeable future and find it hard to go to the shops even. The tablets i take don't work in the sense that i still always feel pain and tired. They take the edge off and makes life a bit more bearable. Recently i saw a study conducted about how they want to classify these sort of conditions as mental disorders which has the Fibro/C.F.S community up in arms. Most of would agree that theres no a snowballs chance in hell that we would make up such pain or get so down about it. I know there are people out there who think 'oh no I'm ill' and make the symptoms seem so much worse that they actually are etc, i get that but Jesus to tar us all with the same brush is so damaging. I struggle every day to try to will myself better ad often end up quite upset and cry because of the loss of loss I'm experiencing, When i was younger i loved extreme sports. I still do, but cant participate any more. I loved going mountain biking, cycling till my joints burned, skateboarded, i wasn't very good but i loved it, roller bladed and had a BMX if i wasn't playing video games id be doing one of those things.

As i got older and after a couple of accidents 'the fear' would set in and i stopped been so dangerous and reckless with my body lol but i still cycled and used my roller blades. I also used to swim.Id go training every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday but my times unfortunately were always a few seconds short so i knew i couldn't make a career out of it. But i had Art and loved drawing and creating characters etc so i wasnt so bummed out by it. So as you can see my life was always pretty energetic and i was always on the go.

About 5 years ago i start developing symptoms of Fibro but i didn't know what was wrong with me. It wasn't so bad then just every few months id get so tired and sore and it would go. I just learnt to deal with it maybe blaming work because it was busy or id have to do extra days that type of thing. I was also dealing with family stuff then between my Dad suddenly dying after a short battle with cancer and my ex boyfriends family situation.Plus we were in a 2 and half year court battle with an old landlord, which we won in the end but it took its toll. I started to struggle in work.Bearly making it in on time, sitting  there for a half an hour before work crying because i was so tired and sore and forcing myself to go to work. I sometimes would go in and then pretend i wasn't feeling great purely cos i didn't think i could make the rest of the day.I often felt so guilty doing this as i did like my job and all the girls i worked with. But to say to your manager , 'oh I'm so tired i need to go home' wont work . It was such a struggle and id get home and fall asleep. My ex would come home from work and would often make the dinner and sort me out. He kept telling me to quit the job but it was never a good time. When is a good time to quit a job in fairness. But the one thing i believe kept me going was the fact i smoked cannabis.

I smoke weed because it works.Simple as that!

Cannabis has been used for medicinal purposes for approximately 4,000 years. Writings from ancient India confirm that its psychoactive properties were recognised, and doctors used it for a variety of illnesses and ailments. These included a whole host of gastrointestinal disorders, insomnia, headaches and as a pain reliever frequently used in childbirth. Due to big Pharmaceutical and tobacco company's it became outlawed, even the production of hemp became outlawed. Nowadays some states in America you can buy it legally and with the law passing in Colorado and Washington,maybe we are starting to see a big U turn in its value. I fear it'll be a long time before Ireland and England catch up as the so called 'ex[ert' reports keep reclassifying and declassifying it. Theres far to many 'horror' stories out there designed to keep cannabis and its useful properties down. Not everyone is suited to cannabis just like some people cant take certain medications but yet they remain legal.Its only if theres a few deaths related to a pharma product do they ban it. To date no deaths have been linked to cannabis.In fact you'd have to continually smoke 15,000tonnes to overdose or i heard once (maybe someone can verify this) but if you fall asleep under a cannabis bush at night you can die because it secretes a poisonous gas at night?? i don't know if that's true but yeah..pretty much the only ways you can die from it.

When i smoke it, i get days of relief from it and feel normal. It relieves the blinding headaches i get  the nausea i get from the pain, it helps me sleep it gives me a quality of life. It isn't for everyone as you can be allergic to it or it may just not feel right for you. But damn it we all have free will and should have a choice to use it. I'm not even talking about everyone blazing up (though that would be wonderful and peace would consume the earth) I'm talking about proper controlled use of it.

(The following i lifted from a site because I'm too tired to write it out in my own words)

Few herbs offer a wide variety of therapeutic applications like these:
Relief of muscle spasms
Relief of chronic pain
Reduction in interlobular pressure inside the eye
Suppression of nausea
Weight loss - increase and restore metabolism
AIDS - Marijuana can reduce the nausea, loss of appetite, vomiting from the condition itself and the medications as well.
Glaucoma - Marijuana relieves the internal eye pressure of glaucoma, and therefore relieving the pain and slowing or even stopping the condition.
Cancer- Many side effects of the medication to stop cancer can be relieve with Marijuana, some studies suggest that Marijuana tends to slow down the progress of some types of cancer.
Multiple Sclerosis - Muscle pain, spasticity, tremors and unsteadiness are some of the effects caused by the disease that can be relieved by Marijuana.
Epilepsy - in some patients, epileptic seizures can be prevented with Marijuana use.
Chronic pain - Marijuana helps to alleviate the pain caused from many types of injuries and disorders.
Anxiety, Depression or Obsession - Even though mild anxiety is a common side effect in some users, cannabis can elevate your mood and expand the mind

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hqFYC8pVP0  This is a link to the History documentary on Cannabis

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Md2WNqqxTQ and one on the medical use of cannabis

And its all true. I dont know how Michael puts up with me sometimes as i get very depressed and down and i tend to take it out on him.Its hard for someone to live with a person with chronic Illness.Its hard because they would do anything to take your pain away. I get embarrassed asking for help. I dont like been reliant on people. I know its hard for those around me too and i hate been a burden. I wish i was normal.For Michael more than anyone. I always wish that he knew me before this and not the mess hes ended up with. I am getting help and stuff but theres so little known about Fibro, so many conflicting issues and treatments but i keep telling myself as little as 10 years ago M.S wasn't that well known.Now look at sufferers of it.So much more is known and so many more treatments available for it.Same with arthritis. Its just right now, its hard. I have met some really great people through facebook and a group i go to that we all help each other durning the bad times.Its because we all understand what we are going through and can sympathise and help.

I recently went through a rough patch with Mikeypoo , stuff I'm not going talk about here as it was between us both but it was so stressful for us both.We both heard things from each other we didn't like but we understood each other and it has hopefully brought us closer. He doesn't smoke but is a huge supporter of it and always wants me to have it I was honest from the start with him with my condition and my smoking. I played down my condition and had done for ages but it did neither of us any good. Honesty fro now on.I just don't like him getting upset over it. He could have anyone he wanted but stays with me for some crazy reason but always brings a smile to my face and makes me feel good about myself.

My Ma has been brilliant too. Making me dinners and helping me with stuff and just understanding it and knowing i need to be alone sometimes. My friend Ash always makes me giggle and the nights we stay over with eachother are totally the funniest ever. My other friend Tammy is always there with a listening ear and always calms me down or happens to be going through the same stuff as me at the time. Ive a new friend on Facebook Thom , who has the same thing as me ans its great to talk to him about 'new' stuff that happens as hes suffered it longer and can offer me relief in the sense that I'm not going crazy. Theres all my cannabis buddies on fb too , various forums help too. So never think you are alone though it can be isolating and sad, there always someone to listen and be a friend.

(I wouldnt mind some feedback on this and my personal email is themadgiraffe@gmail.com or follow me on Twitter at @themadgiraffe80 Im also on Google+ you can find that through gmail. I will start to use it more..i promise..kinda lol)

Sunday, 20 January 2013


I had planned to do a short blog on how sick Ive been but my boyfriend has done one too so now it seems like I'm copying him haha His can be found N'here


His was a bit different to mine. Ive been sick for nearly 5 weeks now. I have hardly ate a thing in 5 weeks. The weight fell off me and i look very drawn and tired. I kept feeling nauseous and kept getting bad stabbing pains in my stomach and in the middle of my back. I went to the doctor last week and he put me on anti nausea tablets and another type to clear a virus. He said he reckons i have Gastrointestinal virus but if its not gone by Mon or Tues Ive to get bloods done.

Admittedly i felt a bit better after getting a 14 hour natural sleep last night. I say Natural sleep because i don't sleep the way i used to or the way you do. With my fibromyalgia i just don't go into that natural deep sleep humans go into. I go into a shallow sleep and usually for 3-4 hours . But last night i was so worn out myself and Michael stopped playing at something like 11 and both went to bed. He was still a bit awake but i couldn't keep my eyes open and fell asleep until 2.30pm.. Its the longest Ive slept in over a year, properly i mean. But i fear i may have spoken to soon as i am starting to feel a bit nauseous again..Ho hum

 Its so weirs though because normally when Ive lost my appetite theres always one thing ill crave and it helps get my appetite back and that's a good ol' 3 in 1 .. That's what we call them here in Ireland. Its from a Chinese and its Fried rice/chips (fries) and curry sauce.. I always crave that when I'm sick but not this time. Or the jalapeno poppers in Burger King, which are little balls of batter with melted cheese and bits of jalapeno in it.Then theres chocolate too.. But none of these things made me crave food. Every  time i ate anything i was getting sick or feeling sick. My mother has a lovely Sunday roast on, chicken, roast potatoes,Brussel sprouts and Yorkshire puds but I'm actually feeling so ill again hope i can actually eat it :(

It seems so many of my friends and i all have been having bad stress in our lives lately.When did life become so complicated? I'm hoping this year will be so much better and happier for everyone. You really need to get the trash out of your life before you can move on. I bear no ill will towards anyone who's fucked my life up in the past year or so. Some of these people just have something mentally unbalanced in their lives and i hope they can get sorted.Its sad really but not my problem anymore. My concern now is to get healthy and give my relationship with Michael 100% We deserve some happiness and a bit of luck this year. No more stress, damn it.Ive also applied for my passport which is taking forever to get back to me. I hear this is the norm but damn it i want to see my sexpot Mikey.

We are  half way through our 2nd, much harder playthrough of Borderlands 2. I am slightly obsessed with this game as you may or may not know. I fucking love it and just want to play it all the time. Its got to the point when Michael's like 'pick a game' I'm like you pick one cos I'm gonna just pick Borderlands..Its addictive as crack. I got like this with Resident Evil 5 too. ooh we haven't played that in ages either..i say ages i mean November. Haha I'm kinda getting my gaming mood back too. I'm nearly (finally) finished Black ops 1 but found the normal level too easy, except for the Khe Sahn level. It near reduced me to tears and rage but the Missions are quite easy on normal. My line up next will be to complete Deus Ex, Fallout, Bioshock 2 (in anticipation for 3) and Modern Warfare 2. I just kept playing MW2 in online mostly but i want to finish it. Oh and Call or Duty world at war. I like the ww2 Call of duty games. Theres something very personal with them, like you feel very attached to particular characters. I was so upset playing Modern Warfare 3 and certain characters died. you become so attached haha.. But i have around 100 games for my PS3.Some are just for the craic like, Kung Fu Rider or puzzle type games but my plan is to finish them this year.With the anticipation of Grand Theft Auto5, Bioshock Infinite etc coming out not to mention i want Farcry3 and Hitman too. It sucks been so broke all the time.

And there i go on another game rant haha.. I will be doing blogs on various consoles etc soon Ive just been so sick i haven't had the energy.Also about my dislike for apple and why , after using it now i think Ubuntu/Linux is my now preferred choice of OS. Strap yourselves in ....


Thursday, 10 January 2013

Blah blah mneh

Once again I am wide awake. But yet I am so, so tired. I've been pretty sick the past month. Ever since I got a stomach bug before xmas. I got sick tonight as I was starting to drift off to sleep.I've barely eaten much in about 2 weeks. I only have a dinner every second day but after a few mouthfuls I feel sick and 9 times out of 10 im puking up. I've read on a few forums that this seems to be a thing with fibromyalgia. Loss of appetite and feeling nauseous. Not terribly common but some people with the condition suffer from this. I call it a condition because for me to day it's an illness makes it seem worse for me. A condition, I feel I can have some control over it. An illness,not so much.

I've been in pain for days now. Right now ,to give you an example of the what im putting up with, I've pain in my ankles,my knees, my back, my neck,my wrists and my fingers all have shooting,pulsating pain. This will in a few hours turn into burning pain but im hoping to be asleep by then :) im so tired, I've been falling asleep durning the afternoon a lot lately too. Which is weird for me. Even as a kid I never slept in the afternoon. I used to find it weird that some of my friends took naps when I was younger. I've always had trouble sleeping though. Im very much a night owl. Id rather sleep when I wanted to, even if it's durning the day. It's weird how we have conditioned ourselves to sleep at night. I mean who's  to say that, that's when we have to sleep. What if we are meant to sleep durning the day and be awake at night. People say oh we need the sun to get vitamins and such. But who's to say the moon couldn't give us necessary vitamins. I like been awake at night though. There's a certain stillness and peace at night. Everything is so quiet and mysterious. In the summer I love the time of around 5am. It smells so fresh, the birds twitter away, everyone still asleep. One of my favorite memorys is of a few years ago.I had an amazing mushroom trip and was very much ' at one' with the world. I had tripped hard all night and a little after 5 am it was so sunny out. A new day started and I wanted to go out. I opened the back door and went down the stairs to the garden. 2 little kittens came out of nowhere , the were feral but so friendly and I sat there fascinated by them. They chased eachother and seemed to be showing off. Completely fearless. Then one came over to me and I start stroking him. The other came over a while later. I was totally wrapped up in them it was just so peaceful and calm. Everything was alright in the world. Sometimes I wish I could travel back to then. I guess we all think that from time to time. But no point living in the past as the future brings us even better memories.

And of course February is on its way. I don't know why in particular but I hate February. It's such a depressing month. Just thought id throw that out there...

I apologize for lack of punctuation and any mistakes in this blog. It's on my phone and quite frankly, it's to much effort to go back and check lol

I really need to try and sleep so toodle pips for now and see you on the flip side, moonbeams :)

Thursday, 3 January 2013

Random Writing at 4 am

I have a theme tune from a cartoon stuck in my head. I used to love the show as a kid bit every time I hear the words 'pole position' I get the theme stuck in my head on a tortureous loop. It drives me crazy so here's a link to it.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dh_xGfrdbhY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

You're welcome ;)

So im just randomly writing a blog cos im having trouble sleeping lately. Im mentally exhausted yet I can't switch off. I can usually control that part of me by smoking weed only it's been really scarce lately and the overthinking is on overdrive. I can barely afford it but it's worth making a couple of sacrifices for it.  Im so tired right now yet can't sleep. I have noticed that I have nearly 4000 views on this blog. It's hard to believe it's got that many views.but thank you to whoever does read it. Feel free to leave comments down below. I don't bite unless im asked ;) tell me how great I am, how bad I am, how unbelievablely good I am in bed ..lol send me lolcats, I do like my lolcats. Though Grumpy Cat is so overused lately. Overused like a fat womans arm shovelling cake in her fat podgy mouth.

Actually thats something there now. How some people can allow themselves to become so big, so fat. I understand people eat for comfort and all that. Everyone does that at some point. But a few years ago I put on a couple extra stone. I felt it on me and it felt horrible. The breaking point came for me when I had to go up a size in my clothes. I simply lost the weight by eating right and exercising. I just dont understand how some people can just get as big as they are. Dont get me wrong, im talking about the really big ones. The ones you see on tv shows etc. I mean as long as you are happy in you're own skin and all that, that's cool. Im just trying to work out though, why they put themselves into danger health wise. Everyone puts on and loses weight only to put it on again and it becomes a vicious circle. I hate seeing teenage girls in particular worrying about what size they are. As a teenager you are going to fluctuate in weight. It's normal and happens to everyone. But you are a teenager and believe me  when you say ' oh man look at me im soooo fat' you usually aren't. My 3 nieces are all skinny bitches yet worry about their weight lol

Isn't it weird how certain things affect you. Like how we bring baggage from previous relationships into new ones. This has been a particular problem for me lately im slightly ashamed to admit. But the thing is fibromyalgia has a nasty branch of 'overusing the brain' the only way I can describe it is, say you have a fight with someone and while you both sit in different rooms fuming what do you think about?? The fight of course. You go over things in you're head replaying it. That's what it's like for me a lot. Except there's no 'making up part' that you can just forget about whats happened and move on. I obsessively think about stuff. Mostly when I have a flare up like now.

The worst part of it is that I take it out on Michael. But also the weird part is , that I don't realize it at the time until my brain starts to slow down a bit then I feel awful. I know it seems odd but that's how it is. But do you know what, he is genuinely the most patient guy. I know it kills him when I get like this durning flare ups because he feels helpless but you know, him just chatting to me throughout those times helps so much. He never believes me when I say that to him. But it's true. When we are together and if I have a flare up, the way he takes care of me is unreal. When we were in Cornwall durning one of our last days there I got a bad flare up. He covered me in his snuggie and just held me till it was over. When I came out of the flare up, it was dark. But he never let me go. It was just the nicest feeling in the world to have someone like that in your life.

And you know, we have had our ups and downs but no matter what went on in the past ,no matter who tried to break us up, jealous ,selfish people im so happy that we stuck together no matter how much poison was been dripped into our relationship from certain individuals we still are together. Stronger and happier than ever and even though he doesn't think so, to me he is wonderful and im so happy we are still together and so in love.

I only wish I could see him more. I miss him so much.

We were playing Borderlands 2 tonight. We finished the game and unlocked a different playthrough but we aren't to sure how to access it but have a fair idea. We decided on another playthrough but choose different characters. He's a Commando now and im a Bezerker. He was an Assassin and I was a Mechromancer in the first playthrough. I love the game so much I could just play it all the time. Id love to level all 5 characters up.

I've recently start playing call of duty: world at war and I love it lol.. I've had it ages but always loved the modern warfare series. I couldn't sleep a couple nights ago so I start playing it. I have a few modern warfare games in my ps2 ,all world war 2 ones. When I played it online I found it funny that only 4002 people were playing it compared to 145,000 that play MW. What struck me too, was the fact that noone was camping,waiting for you. Everyone was running around. I really enjoyed it. The Nazi zombie mode is fun too. The old weapons took a bit of getting used to but it didn't take me long to get into the swing of things.

Ok now. Getting tired now so im  going to try for a few zzzzzzz's
Laters moonbeams :)