Wednesday, 4 December 2013

A Very Ranty Blog

Its been a while since i wrote a blog..yet again. I used to always write stuff. In general not just here but i haven't been myself in a long time. Its been frustrating. Very frustrating! On paper i should be very happy but i just cant. A huge problem that is in the process of getting sorted out is...well getting sorted out and i wont be having that problem, hopefully again. Ive been seeing Michael a lot more this year too which is always good. I have made some truly great friends this year through facebook, on various gamer pages. Ive gotten back in touch with some people i lost contact with recently. There have been a few more positives than negatives towards the end of this year but yet i just cant feel happy. I still haven't gotten anywhere really with my condition and i feel like i slowly going back into my little anxiety corner. Ive had 3 attacks in the last 6 days and i havent had one in over a month. It really bummed me out. Ive to go to my doctor tomorrow because I'm going to need to go for more blood tests for Osto-arthritis. Praying to a non god that it isn't the case because Fibromyalgia on its own is hard enough to deal with.

The worst part is just not been in the mood to play games. I haven't been playing with Michael much at all because when i start a game i just want to stop playing a short while after. Ill start a game then turn it off. This is horrible for me because gaming takes my mind off everything. Ill put on GTAV or Borderlands and just play for hours, concentrating on the game and putting the pain to the back of my mind. But with chronic exhaustion as well it makes it near impossible. I'm  trying to 'force' myself to play thinking that once I'm playing ill be OK. But it doesn't work like that. Though having said that the only game i keep playing is Tapped Out Simpson's and recently Ice Age Village on my tablet. The Simpson's is life ruining good. I play every day so if you play add me. I need more active neighbours and would rather help out people actually playing. My ID is themadgiraffe The usual ID for everything lol Same with Ice Age. :) 

I was doing fine while i was getting therapy. I was getting Cognitive Behaviour Therapy done, or CBT for short. This was working to a certain degree with me but the therapist i was seeing left and i got another but after 2 sessions she said she was leaving it as an 'open' session meaning i could make appointments myself..In other words I'm too fucked up to help. So back to square 1. She told me to get in touch with a place called AWARE which is a help group for depression and i have. But I'm not comfortable at all with group sessions. Its in my fucking notes i have anxiety issues and find it hard to talk face to face with people so i can see where GROUP therapy is gonna work! Not!

What i hate is explaining to people all the time. I always feel bad for snapping at those around me. I don't mean too and i always apologise for said snapping but i still feel like shit for doing it. Its so much effort not to just crawl into bed and forget everything. I have lost some friends this year too. One of which i was very upset to lose and don't understand why she couldn't just talk to me. But outside influences will do that to you. I still stand by what i said and have moved on. I don't talk to my brother anymore either as he has serious anger issues and we ended up having a huge fight a few months back and haven't talked since. In fact apart from his wife's family no one in my family talks to him or wants anything more to do with him. He told a few people complete lies about me but they are bottom feeder people so i don't give a shit. Out of everyone only one aunt believes him. I know this cos i tried to tell her my side and she was barely interested so she can go fuck herself too. I asked her out straight why she didn't ask me what happened and she wouldn't answer me. Just said well one of you has to apologise and then had the cheek to say 'your Da wouldn't want this' If my Da was still alive,he certainly wouldn't have sided with my brother. He would have knocked his head off for throwing his own child out and ignoring his own mother even though she had nothing to do with it or our argument.

He went around telling people i was a junkie and said really horrible shit about my Ma, none of it true. He thinks that nothing will get back to me but the huge difference between me and him is that i actually have friends, real friends. People who he is friends with were the very ones telling me what he was saying about me and my Ma. Its funny though because he calls me a junkie for smoking weed yet was always bumming of me for 'enough for a Joint' He was taking all sorts of drugs since he was 15 and drinks heavy. But theres that old saying 'when you point a finger theres 3 pointing back' He knows i smoke weed for pain and that's all he could throw at me. I will never forgive him for saying that and for spreading rumours about me.

When people ask i just say i have a sister now. Sad really as we never have actually had a fight in our lives. I used to be so close with him but now i know what he thinks of me.

At least i know who matters to me now and who is important. Ive weeded out some nasty people in my life and am the better for it. Sometimes its hard to take that step but once you do its an amazing feeling to realise you just don’t give a fuck. An illness can really wreck someone’s life. You don’t need others to make it worse. All you do is worry to much and try to somehow fit into their life but they never show the same courtesy. If you have someone like that in your life, stop messaging them, stop making that effort. It was always me initially keeping in touch with everyone and its amazing to see who actually will make the effort. Of course because you made the effort and they rarely did they get all defensive and blame you for not been social enough. I had someone recently say that too me.. 'i haven’t heard from you in 3 weeks, friendship goes both ways' is what they said to me. I purposely stopped emailing them just to see and they proved my point. I was constantly the one getting in touch and when i stopped it was 'my' fault that they didnt make any effort.

I really hate people at times.

Next year when i get my PS4 and Vita ill lock myself away for 3 months with only doritios, chocolate and weed to sustain me :D I realise this blog is a pure rant but i need to do something productive or ill go crazy. Ugh and Xmas is coming. The only good thing about Xmas is Doctor Who.. speaking of which the 50th anniversary episode..OMG. seriously i did not see that coming. I got goosebumps when the doctor realised about Gallifrey at the end :D i wont say cos i know some people may not have seen it yet and i dont want to spoil it. :)

Speaking of which Thank you social media and everyone who immediately went online after Brian died in Family Guy. Seriously what is wrong with people! Not everyone saw it at that point and it was just ruined. I know we all knew someone was dying, a main character, but fuck you anyone who spoiled it. I loathe people who do that. Its like you say 'oh think ill watch..whatever' right, then someone goes oh man the twist at the end where the main guy does this or that and then you find out its his wife.... yeah thanks i don’t need to watch it now fucktard! I want to hit people like that.

Man i feel angry today lol i really need to stop typing or ill just rant on about everything so ill leave it here for now and go breathe my happy place and watch Bobs new fav show.  I think Sheldon from Big Bang Theory sums up what i think about Xmas in this following quote ;)

Sheldon: You bought me a present? Why would you do such a thing? I know you think you're being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift, you've given me an obligation. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. Ah, it's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year. Oh, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life...

 Till we meet again fair thee well

Thursday, 10 October 2013

Finally finished the Draft..

I never realised how much anxiety has taking over my life. I always constantly worried about things from the time I was a kid. Things for me always had to be a certain way. My crayons had to be in  particular display of colours. My Cd's weren't in alphabetical order per se. They were alphabetical in band names but if  I had a few from each band they would be in order of when they  released. I'd get very upset if this was messed up. I would laugh it off when some friends would look at me weird when I'd jump  and  ' no that goes at  bottom' I was and still am  a huge take that fan from the time I was 11. My walls were covered from top to bottom in posters. These too, were put up  particular way. I would frequently take them all down because I'd notice one was crooked. I passed this off as mad girl fandom . It would take me hours to 'get it right' when  say my room was covered , I mean it was COVERED  in posters. Ceiling and all. So this was exhausting. After school I did Art in college. I swear I'm a masochist. My paints, pencils, equipment all had to be  certain way too. I remember one day a few people forgot their watercolour pencils so they were using mine. It was really irritating me that they weren't putting them back in the 'right place' by the end of the day half were missing and half were nearly nubs or broken. Apart from the fact they were very expensive, It set off a massive panic attack. It was nearing  the end of the first year and  hadn't quite finished  projects and had no watercolour pencils left. Obviously when I calmed down I knew my friends would let me use theirs etc but at that particular point I had already 'failed' first year.
That's the problem with anxiety. It makes everything 100x worse. Most times when I have an attack I'll go to my room and just wait for it to pass. I don't want people seeing me panicking or something. Logically I know what I'm thinking is stupid. I know the chances of whatever it is I'm thinking, is not going to happen. But at that time, that train of thought won't allow you to be logical. Everything gets worse and worse. It eventually goes but leaves you exhausted and frustrated. I try not talk to anyone when I'm like that because  take things up wrong. I say the wrong things. It's better to be alone I feel. I don't want people worrying about me. I'm having one of those days today and I'm trying to just chill out. Ive recently been quite ill too.

Ok so i wrote that about a week and a half ago. This is the draft i never quite finished. So it may go off on another tangent altogether. I think today though was good. I think i managed to explain to Michael properly how it is for me. Hes been my rock the past few weeks. He going through a rough time at the moment unfortunately and i wish i could do more for him. It helps when you have someone beside you, that has your back. We are always there for each other and that's the main thing. My anxiety hasn't been to bad apart from today but I'm also in a lot of pain so i can see the link there. But lately I'm enjoying gaming again. That's a huge thing for me right now. My whole life i played video games. They were always the one thing that stopped me getting over whelmed. I used to suppress my anxiety a lot then but never realised. Its only 20 odd years later i get diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. Better late than never lol. But when i would switch on my various consoles throughout my life it stopped all that. I could relax and chill enough to get my thoughts together. I used to hate it when my nieces and nephew would be up in the house back then if i felt overwhelmed. Id always play on my PlayStation 1 with my nephew Ryan. Then there would be days id have to tell him to go away and it would break my heart but i didn't want him to see me having a panic attack but i always felt awful if i told him to go downstairs. Id get so upset cos he'd be so bewildered by it. Its the same now again with my younger nephews. Sometimes i just cant deal with them. Its to overwhelming at times. This is what i hate the most about it. But i seem to be enjoying gaming again and I'm on a trophy hunt. I need to up the ante with completing games and getting the elusive Platinum's. Its a PlayStation thing. lol

I wasn't able to talk to Michael since last Friday and finally got to yesterday. Man i missed him. It was circumstances beyond his control but i knew he was so lonely and it was killing me. But sometimes time apart is good. But i don't want it again anytime soon lol. I really have been loving our chats the last few hours. We cant play online together either for a while but hey ho :) Gives us both time to catch up on single player games :D

Ok Lego Harry Potter is calling me...i have GTA V and im playing Harry Potter. Im serious about this trophy hunt, don't judge lol :)

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Depression! is a Bitch.

I go back on here to finish a blog I was doing to find that it just hadn't saved for me. That is really frustrating. It was a piece about anxiety and my own personal experience on it. I had written a good bit on it and now it is gone. Though I'd imagine if I went on a computer it would be there. I just can't access it on my android tablet at the moment. Maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't share it yet either. I've had a very weird few days. I am having very bad flare ups the kind I haven't had in months and is left me in a bad way. I'm extremely fatigued and in so much pain particularly in the top part of my body. For whatever reason now, probably just the pain actually but my anxiety has gone through the roof. I'm exhausted yet on edge so much I can't sleep. There's no particular reason for this but my brain won't shut up. Usually playing video games helps this a lot because most games I play need attention. If i play a puzzle game my mind wanders as a lot would be just matching coloured balls or fitting bricks in together which can be done on sight rather than thinking leaving my brain to wander in whatever crazy direction it goes in. But if I play strategy/FPS/action/platform game I have to focus on the game giving my body and mind time to chill. It's so hard to describe what goes on. I know myself that it'll pass in time but waiting for it to pass is horrible. I would be lost if I wasn't a gamer. I've often been so overcome with anxiety that I could be sitting for over an hour rigid by what thoughts go through my head. So scared that what I'm thinking about could come true. It feels like everything is so fake or like, I don't actually exist... or rather if I didn't exist it wouldn't matter much.
I go back to therapy tomorrow. I say tomorrow but I mean in a few hours. I had a month break from it and I'm really not looking forward to it. Depression is a bitch. The worst part is not knowing when you'll be OK. I've had a good few weeks to be honest and just feeling like this again is just upsetting me. I hate what I think and the things that I say. I always feel like shit after. Especially when I say something horrible or stupid to Michael. It feels like an excuse when I say I can't control it. But I can't explain it in any other way. I know the depression makes me feel isolated and numb and that having an anxiety disorder on top of that along with Fibromyalgia is like total overload. I know they all feed each other too. I know what I'm thinking is illogical. I know that eventually the depression will pass. I know I'm been too hard on myself. I know my serotonin levels are on the floor. I could go on about everything i know and more, yet I can't make the link to think differently. The only good thing to come out of this is that I've started drawing again.
What's frustrating too, is that Grand Theft Auto V is out and I have it. I have never looked forward to a game as much as I have this one. But I can't get into it. Not because it's crap far from it. Its the perfect game. Its beyond perfect. It certainly lived up to its hype and deserves all the 10 out of 10 its getting pretty much everywhere. I absolutely love playing it but the anxiety is working overtime and I'm to easily distracted. I finding it hard to sit for more than a half hour at a time playing. I hate when I get like this. I want to be able to put a decent 5-6 hour session with it but can't. It's driving me crazy. It'll pass. I keep saying that so much to myself lately, its like a mantra at this stage. I got so annoyed playing Burnout Paradise City earlier because I couldn't do something on it. But I guarantee I'll go back tomorrow and do it first time round. I very rarely get genuinely annoyed playing a game, so its not a good sign. :(
Christ on a bike, I'm very pessimistic tonight. If I look at it from the logical point of view, I'm in a lot of pain and am very tired. I've no weed either at the moment so that sucks because it helps so much, especially pain wise and to help me sleep.
My irrational side is just winning over the logical side however, hence the pessimistic thoughts. *sighs*
Tomorrow I can hopefully retrieve my other draft and finish it off so it's possible there will be 2 blogs up. I'm not sure how to end this one however so let me say one thing and one thing only...
Boobs. That is all!

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Anxiety: A short story

The ever increasing numbness creeps up again and grips the soul,twisting and tormenting it. There is suddenly a weird vortex of space where time seems to stand still and forces you to relive memories from your past. Good and bad. But the bad stand out more. Time still hasn't moved on. You don't really know what year it is, what day it is, nothing. You don't exist. Looking around nothing seems real. You are intruding. You don't belong here. You first notice your breathing has gotten shorter. Not again!

Nothing can help. In a ball on the bed trying to gain control. It's getting worse. You don't even know why. Scanning your brain to see what's in there. What irrational thought had set you off? Why are you so stupid? You are a logical, rational human being. Chest is hurting from breathing so hard. Frustration takes over and tears get blinked furiously away. You try control it. Always losing to it. Everything is hurting by now.

You start to calm down. But the persistent voice is nagging away. It is reinforcing every bad thing about you. It's hard not to give in. You are exhausted at this stage. You want to sleep but can't. This is the point where the numbness just takes over. You just don't care any more. It would just be so easy. You already know how your going to do it. Don't you? Of course you do. It's a persistent thought. So easy. But you don't. You fail at that too.

In the cold light of day it is easy to dismiss the thoughts you had. It was a bad day. Shrug it away. File it under 'let's suppress'  It seems like the thing to do. Maybe you'll bring it up at next week's session. You never do,of course.

But there's always next week!

Monday, 29 July 2013

Hello. im a Random Blog!

I'm in a very random mood tonight. I had a session today that's left me wondering all of existence really. So I'm pretty tired but strangely awake. Even Michael's gone to sleep. So its just me, Sweet Mary Jane and Robert Plant. Speaking of which,I'm on my second copy of Mothership/Led Zeppelin and the thing is skipping already. Seriously. The second copy. i know i play it a lot but i only have this one a few months. If it was Justin Bieber i bet that mother fucker would never skip! I had a heart stopping moment when my Royseven CD start skipping to but upon further inspection my 12 year old stereo is just knackered. Before anyone starts banging on about downloads...Just no...I like having piles of Cd's and a stereo. You don't get that quality sound from a computer that you get from a stereo. But to get back to my point, the CD is skipping and it isn't the stereos fault. Theres an actual scratch on it. I'm just unlucky when it comes to this album.

I also got into a friendly debate with someone today who is strongly against weed. The conversation just sort of swung that way. I wasn't quite mentally prepared for it at first but then i put my view across quite nicely with the person backing down in the usual 'ah i don't know much about it really' way. I hate that. Its like religious sheeple on facebook. They throw a few biblical quotes at you then they run out of steam. I would say thoughts but there isn't a single original thought there. This also happens with atheists too but more band wagon atheists. I find it all really boring now, occasionally ill find an interesting debate but ultimately the village idiot walks in and inserts a 'witty' remark and everyone kind of just walks away. I tend not to get involved in religious stuff on facebook anyway. Its like mecca for idiots most of the time.

Unless its cannabis related. Actually that's not true. I had someone tell me recently they got an ounce for 50 quid. I laughed and said yeah of soap and in all seriousness he said 'no man, this is the real deal. Bob smoked this shit' (this was online on a forum or a page i cant remember) I think i laughed for about 5 minutes straight. Imagine Bob Marley smoking soap bar. He insisted it was the best shit in town and how hes been smoking for years and knows his stuff.. I went on to point out how expensive real hash actually is and how it isn't supposed to be 'soapbar' shaped. But he kept insisting. Then i thought 'ah shit maybe hes like, 16 and doesn't know any better' so i said 'dude how old are you'... 37 was his reply!

Another observation from the world of Facebook is the sudden explosion of Hunter S.Thompson memes. Don't get me wrong, HTS is pretty awesome and do read his work if you haven't but why now all of a sudden is it cool to make a HST meme? I missed the memo that day. But the 'yay its friday' and 'oh no Monday is here' posts have stopped. Evey single page was doing that for months. It was really pissing me off. First world problems and all that. But the thing was none were actually funny. I have not come across one meme like that, that has made me think 'now that's funny' They seem to be creeping back in this week though, Also my friends thought it was highly entertaining to put said memes on my wall or on my Twitter. That was funny though in all fairness. Tip of the day: never let friends know what annoys you ;)

Have you ever known of an artist or group but never really listened to them as such. Its been like that with me and Sinead O'Connor lately. Its so weird when a song that may be out years, you may have even listened to it over and over but suddenly it makes you REALLY listen one day and it is describing exactly whats going on in your head. I had that recently too with a Royseven song 'the Big Blue'  as well. But for whatever reason right now Sinead is singing my kind of music and that's just fine with me. Because ive been so down and not enjoying life as i should be, i even lost interest in music. Which was horrible. I love music and love a real storyteller in song. I love Leonard Cohen, Iron and Wine,The Who,  Ray Lamontagne,Conor Obsert, Janis, Zeppelin, Ash, Flaming Lips, Calaxico, Bright Eyes, Muse,Royseven, My Morning Jacket..that kind of stuff. I like the fact i can put on any of that music and its just good. But the past few months nothing was really getting me, except Royseven maybe.. Yeah Royseven was all i listened too.

I'm also thinking of doing some courses in September or so. I don't think ill be able to keep a regular job in general because of my Fibromyalgia. In fact i haven't been able to work for a few years now. 33 and washed up! Ive spent too much time 'mourning' my past life and nothing is going to change unless i do it. I'm a fairly talented artist that just doesn't believe in herself anymore. I'm kind of thinking of maybe doing some kind of art course again. Like a year refresher course. Start from scratch maybe. I'm definitely veering towards Graphics again because i have a few ideas for cartoons and stuff but don't really know where to start. Most stuff is self taught anyway if you are interested enough.

Lol..quick break from paragraph as i re-read the last line i wrote..I'm am way too high lol Dafaq did i just write lol.. but its my random blog and nothing gets deleted....

So yeah, as i was saying....

I need to do something that enables me to make money but that I'm not restricted to a shop or an office. I'm pretty sure if i learned a few new arty tricks i could potentienally see me been able to work from home at least. Nothing really drags you down than not having an income coming in and you are powerless to do anything about it. I guess rather than thinking about what i cant do, i need to focus on what i can do. Even if it takes a while to get there. :D

I hate myself for using LOL and :D i over use them waaaay to much but its so hard not to do it. I swear, pick someone you converse with on a daily basis online. You'll know who to pick. Now try having an entire conversation with using LOL once. Use haha instead. ( look at how weird it looks) The first one to write LOL loses. it seems simple but seriously its fucking hard. I tried this with Michael and we lasted like, 2 minutes tops. Funny as hell though lol..see i cant stop writing it. The creepy thing that we all know but no one says, is the fact that no one actually laughs out loud. Its just stone face loling.

My music has gone from Led Zeppelin to The this a good thing? Look at their faces..what could possibly go wrong?!

Mike Nesmith looks bemused in this picture.Like he knows something the other Monkees don't. Davy Jones looks completely bewildered like hes just saw boob for the first time and is unsure how he feels about it. Peter Tork is totally digging the men here..that or hes checking out someones kitten toe heels thinking 'ummhmm gurl they are faaabulous' and Mickey Dolenz..well what can we say about Mickey here. Hes either giving an awkward 'gunfinger' to someone who is going to beat him to death or he saying 'i just fucked your daughter upon meeting the parents for the first time. This is really random even for me! lol I am digging them right now ;)

Though 'Your Aunty Grizelda' is actually creeping me out right now!

I recently had a whole childhood flashback recently as i discovered that every single episode of Animaniacs was up on You Tube. Such a hilarious cartoon. Pinky and Brain..who doesn't love them?!   if you are interested. :)

Monday, 22 July 2013

Things that happened to me today and other stories

(1) I  went into town today to meet my friend,Ash.  when I  got on the bus I took my back pack off and punched someone in the head. I  think my horrified  face and stuttered apologies had him laughing more than what happened. FML

(2) I  nearly missed  said bus as I realised  all 5 of us standing at the bus stop looked like we were out of a specsavers commercial  because we all had the exact same glasses on and we were  standing in formation without realising.

(3) One of the guys at the bus stop looked like Leonard  from Big Bang Theory.

(4) I saw journalist Olaf Tyaransen and wanted to throw something at him.

(5) Paul Walsh from Royseven tweeted me back to say that 'Sidelines' wouldn't be on their new album.

(6) Sparkling up a doobie, I nearly burnt my nose off because I had the flame set too high. I need to stop fiddling with flammable stuff.

(7) Realising some people have very short legs in relation to their bodies. They have a long upper body and tiny legs. That freaks me out. It looks abnormal.

(8) I fucking hate the 27 bus

(9) I don't give a shit about the royal baby been born so don't ask me how I feel about it.. I'm Irish not British..though I do have a bit of British in me....if you know what I mean.  ;)

(10) I have some amazing friends, family and a very patient, loving boyfriend

(11) This heatwave going on the last few weeks is unreal. It's too continue for some time and makes me fear for the winter. It can't be this good without something bad happening in the winter. 9 weeks of snow is my pessimistic thought..

(12) I definitely prefer Autumn and Winter. Snow and all!

(13) Seagulls don't sleep at night. At least not the ones here. The ones that decide to hold conferences outside my fucking window every night. They are at it now. Screeching at each other. Each caw caw torments me, they mock my efforts to sleep.

' sure is quiet..perfect time to sleep. Be a shame if a flock of seagulls were to come along and sing you the song of their people..
cawcaw mother fucker'

(14) I fucking hate seagulls

(15) How awesome is Halloween? I love it. I love the smell of bonfires. The chill in the air. The strangeness of the night. Costumes. Fireworks.

(16) Then it's Christmas. That can only mean one thing.. Dr Who Christmas special :D

Sunday, 7 July 2013

Paranormal Activity

So here I am again at 2.30am. 2 things are keeping me up. One is the excruciating pain in my knee (I have put so much anti inflammatory gel on it but no relief) and two, there seems to be an increase in activity in my house. By activity I mean things that go bump in the night. I don't know if you believe in spirits and things like that but I do. As a kid I used to see things for the briefest of moments, would identify who 'visited' by smells, knew about family members that I didn't know existed. For instance I told my mother that she had twin brothers, named them both and told her they died when they were one year old. She only knew of them but wasn't sure  of the names and stuff but later everything I said was confirmed. Loads of stuff like that happened to me over the years. Even now I always know when someone is lying to me or hiding something. This always proves useful if someone is accusing you of something or distorting truths about you. Over the years I've learned that the truth  always comes out so I just leave it to take it's natural course and try not to worry.

The past week has been interesting in the house. To be honest I've been quite down and wasn't taken much notice of anything but every now and then something would catch my eye. I'd hear an odd sound. Even last week, Saturday I think it was I distinctly heard someone call my name. A man. But I was alone at the time. It freaked me out so much. Normally stuff like that doesn't freak me out so much but that did. Earlier, my niece Kayla came up to the house. My other niece Megan is here too but Kayla was just visiting. We were all in the kitchen chatting away and every now and then something would bang in the kitchen. My Ma and Megan were out all day so the radio was off. The sounds were so distinct and obvious were they were coming from and what was making it but the object wasn't moving. I didn't say much because I didn't want to freak Megan out. But the funny thing is I'm nearly sure it was my dad. See, the girls were talking horror movies and saying how scared they were at particular movies when Megan said something about not been scared at a certain movie. Just as she said that, the bang would happen. It's so typical of something my Dad would do if he were alive to scare them lol

Yesterday, I was in my room. My Ma had gone too bed too but we were both still awake. I heard what sounded like someone failing over boxes and chairs downstairs. I ran into my Ma asking if she had heard it. She was calmly reading a book and didn't hear a thing. I was so convinced we had been broken into. But once again, nothing was down there. As I'm writing this I can hear odd sound. It's hard to describe but I know I'm not imagining it. Earlier I went down to grab an ice pop from the freezer when  could smell smoke. I checked everywhere downstairs but it was all fine. It was a very distinct cigarette smell. My Ma smokes roll ups. They don't stink the place out like regular cigarettes and she was asleep by this time anyway. But the smell was only located in one specific area. As I checked it more it just suddenly disappeared.

A few minutes ago I went out to get some more gel for my knee when again I thought I heard someone say something. But it was muffled or hard to hear but it was something similar to say, a busy pub. The muffled low chat that goes on. It took me a split second to realise what I heard. But when I realized what I was hearing it just abruptly stopped. I wanted to go down and get some ice for my knee but I just got to scared to go down lol. Normally this stuff doesn't bother me as such so I don't know why I'm suddenly so afraid. I think it's just that right now if I saw a spirit in the kitchen I'd probably just pass out with shock lol. I'm not in the best form today and feel a bit fragile.

A year or so back I was downstairs playing my PS2 in the sitting room when I realised how late it was and decided to go to bed. You have to walk through the kitchen to get upstairs in my house, so as I went to walk through the kitchen for I saw my Dad sitting in his chair with what looked like a cup of coffee. I staggered against the fridge in pure shock and fright and curiosity. I'll always remember the next part for the rest of my life. He slowly turned to look at me but faded as he did. I stood there for nearly 10 minutes staring at the chair. I was too shocked to move. It took me a few days to absorb what had just happened that night. I feel very privileged that I saw what I did but man, my heart was coming through my chest that night.

Everything had been so quiet here the last year or so as well and I only said to my Ma how neither of us have heard or seen anything lately. I should keep my mouth shut in future lol

Randomness and Blah

 Its so hot here in Ireland the last few days. Too hot to even play. Why are consoles prone to heat up so much? I'm not actually looking for an answer, its rhetorical. It just warms up the room so much and when its already in the high 20 degrees it becomes unbearable. I know some people in hotter countries would be like 'guuuuuuurl 28 degrees is nothing yo' but it is here when its normally 6 or 7 degrees. Anyway my point is it gets too hot to play much . Which i hate!

Myself and Michael recently got Tom Clancy's Rainbow 6: Vegas 2 and completed it on all difficulties in no time at all. Its been out years now and you can get it for 5 euro. Its a pretty cool game and all just a bit short. Like when it was over it was that it? But a great game to pass the time with. We are going to get the first one as well at some point but we still gotta finish, Resident Evil 6, Crysis (which has become a firm favourite) , resistance3..actually we did finish that. That was pretty awesome. Killzone3, and I'm sure there one or two more on top of levelling up our Borderlands characters. Which never gets old. We have completed all the DLC too except for Hammerlocks Big Game Hunt. Which is punishingly hard but still fun :)

Do you ever feel really excited about something yet others don't join in on it even if it involves them? I hate that. You want to just talk about it and make stupid plans even if they come to nothing. I hate that.

I kinda over did things yesterday too.  Myself and my Ma did a job on the back garden and washed the dogs. Then i re-arranged my room to make a bit for space for a special arrival and was absolutely shattered by the end. Now my body is protesting and my right knee, the one i dislocated a couple years back is throbbing with the pain. I have a weird headache too and just feel upset again. I am heading out tomorrow to a place called Howth, in Dublin. Its like a big fishing village. I haven't been there for a few years but i love the boats and the lighthouses and stuff. I remember going there in college to draw and was soooo cold. There were 4 of us at one stage huddled up pretending to draw but couldn't feel our fingers. The tutor came along and was like 'ah lads go on home its to cold' lol i think we all legged it to get a hot chocolate. But its so nice there when it is sunny and warm. Plus i want to take photos and bring my sketchpad. I'm feeling all arty and slightly inspired. I only live about 20 minutes from the beach here and am surrounded by coastline in any direction. Which i love. I hate feeling enclosed in somewhere and need to know i am near the sea. Howth isn't too far away either as its just a short train journey away :)

I'm also nearly 2 years with Michael in a few days time too. Its still hard to believe its only been two years. It feels a good way. I guess when you are just so comfortable with someone its like you cant remember what it was like without them. Not that i want too. Because despite all the interfering, lies and jealousy we are still together and very happy. Admittedly i haven't been the easiest to be around the past 6 or 7 months due to personal reasons but no matter what i say to him or lash out at him for hes always there to talk me down. and just says the right thing. It hasn't always been easy and we have both made mistakes because of ourselves and mostly because of others but I'm looking forward to our future together and am happy that no matter what others tried to say or do to tear us apart we stood together and are still going strong and just love each other regardless. Hes been my rock lately and has no idea how much he means to me.

Ive been watching a show on Netflix recently called Arrested Development. I'm so addicted to it. Its so funny and the characters are so funny. Theres cameos from all sorts of famous actors and its very well written. I just start watching it out of curiosity one day and now am on season 3 lol. Well worth a watch. I give it 5 hoofs up. There was a show called Bad Samaritans too. Its only 5 episodes but is very funny also. I hope they make more of them. I'd give that 4 hoofs up. I deduct a hoof for the shortness of episodes. Sort it out lads! I don't really watch T.V anymore at all.I prefer to either buy box sets or watch stuff on Youtube. The advertisements just piss me off. I hate been really stuck into a programme then an ad comes on for half price sofas. It take me out of my bubble and forces the real world on me. Then the show comes back on and i have an annoying jingle in my head. It grinds my gears as Peter Griffin would say!

Im just pure rambling here. I'm only writing nonsense cos my tablet is charging and i want to watch arrested development. Speaking of tablets.. If anyone out there is playing The Simpson's:Tapped Out add me as a neighbour. I need more my origin name is themadgiraffe...add Michael too hes Micol25 we need neighbours lol. That game is so damn addictive so feel free to add us both. :)

Ive just been attacked by a moth. A slow flying moth that i couldn't seem to catch.. Bastard!

My shoulders are starting to go numb with the pain so i think ill end it here for now. Until next time...........i don't know, be good and if you cant be good don't get caught!

Saturday, 15 June 2013

A Late Weary Blog

Its been a while since Ive blogged, I was over with Michael and since Ive come back i have been having bad flare ups. Today is the worst. My right hand and arm is really swollen and i have no strength in it at all. Ive been icing it up all day too.I keep losing power in my hips which is knocking me of balance and stabbing pains in my knees.  Ive had a headache all day and my eyes hurt from it. I haven't had a bad flare up like this in a while so naturally I'm a bit upset. I'm just pure worn out with all. I just want it to stop. I also have no weed and have been knocking back pain killers and applying my pain gel. It helps take the edge off but weed gets right to the core.I'm so sleepy too but keep waking up. Its so frustrating.

I had a great time away and didn't want to come back. Fuck knows Ive been dealing with enough shit the past year so it was nice to spend some quality time alone with Michael. I'm pretty sure we ate our own weight in pizza those two weeks I was able to buy a few games too for my PS2 as they were 99c each so it didn't break the bank. It put the idea in my head of saving for a bit then going to England and do a game shop as its much cheaper :)We went to see a few movies too which was fun. Its nice to do couplely things. Ive now seen the latest 2 Star Trek movies. I'm not a fan of the series as such but i enjoy the films. It was so hot in England too, i think it only rained for 2 days. We also met up with some friends and had a good laugh with Nic and Jaxs in particular.

One thing i had noticed in particular, well it wasn't until i got back from England was how relaxed i had been. The whole time i was away, even when i got a couple of flare ups it was just made more bearable by Michael. I'm sure i was snappy with him on occasions when it was bad because i was so frustrated i was getting flare ups while i was away. Its inevitable i know but it still doesn't make it any easier. One day, i think it was a Saturday i woke up to a blinding headache. I could barely lift my head. i was nearly crying with the pain. It lasted for hours. Even when i walked to the loo it was pounding with each step. I was pacing myself throughout the trip, like we went out one day and stayed in the next. But even still it happened. But he takes such good care of me when hes around , making sure I'm OK and stuff. He brought me up tea and snuggled me while we tried to beat each others score on Angry Birds lol He closed the curtains and put the fan on and tried feeding me chocolate, bless his cotton socks :) He did everything for me until i was feeling better. It was so nice to have him around like that. I miss him dreadfully.

In other news the PS4 is coming soon :D and the Xbox shall fail so I'm even happier about that. Seriously what were Microsoft thinking??!! Pre-order sales of PS4 are 3-1 on Xbox so far. I am super excited for it and want to order it soon. I'm allowing my 3 games initially. Ghosts and Killzone been 2 and i haven't decided on the 3rd yet. But my plan is too keep buying PS3 games until theres a good second hand market in PS4 games and only buy the ones i REALLY want for now. They will be expensive enough so no point in rushing to get them :) Also PlayStation plus is mandatory for PS4 which i don't mind as its well worth the money. So there will be games released on that too. I still need to get a Vita too :/ Argh so much stuff and so little money. But again, the amount of games free on PlayStation plus for the Vita is awesome. So its like, i just need to get the actually get the Vita and i  have nearly 20 games or something to instantly download so i don't even need to buy any :)

Ive played quite a few new games too but i am wiped out and going to leave it here for now. I will write another tomorrow because most likely i will remember everything i was supposed to write on this. I know there was a few things but the sandman is calling. :)

Goodnight moonbeams

Thursday, 9 May 2013

Star Trek, games and other Nonsense!!

S'up Shaundie girl,

'Who dafuq is Shaundie Girl' i hear you roar...Well, she's a character from Saints Row the Third and Michael and I have bizarrely taken to greeting each other that way all the time.. I even made up a song that i kept singing while we play this game..all dedicated the 'the shaundist girl of them all' She has become a living/not living legend in our eyes lol. Saints Row 4 is out a month before Grand Theft Auto 5 so we have a month of intense Saints Row 4 game play before we both inevitably wander of GTA 5's way because lets face it..Its GTA5 lolThose few months will hit gamers wallets hard, Saints row 4, GTA5, Batman, Call Of Duty Ghosts and of course the playstation 4.

Shaundie from Saint Row 3
So Michael bought some Star Trek communicators the other day and has informed me I'm to be Captain Jane Goodway ..or something and hes to be Captain Picard...i think. I listen, i swear but Star Trek goes in one ear and out the other lol.. I'm a Star Wars and X-Files kinda girl but they look really cool. Ive robbed his picture...
The Star Trek Communicators

         Ive insisted we get Light Sabres too..but I'm sure if he thinks I'm kidding lol.. Babe, I'm not ;)

Im very excited for Krieg The Psycho to come out on Borderlands too.That makes him sound like hes in the closet lol..But no, hes a brand spanking new character. He looks awesome Hes more of a melee based character with fire based skills so it'll be fun to play with him. Myself and Michael have levelled up 2 characters to level 50 and working on a third character. My favourite character so far is the Siren. I love her Phase lock ability, which is basically suspending enemies in the air and it can deal a lot of damage depending on what way you level it up. But you can still shoot your enemies and they die quicker. Useful in hectic situations. ;)

Krieg The Psycho
The next two games on the horizon hopefully will be Resident Evil 6 and Crysis 3. We need some new games to play. Oh yeah, I'm also going to be spending nearly 2 weeks with him towards the end of the month. I cannot wait. Its been toooo long. I get there on a Saturday afternoon around 6pm and then about 11 or 12 days just with  my monkey. He'll kill me for saying that lol but i don't care i just cant wait to cuddle him, talk nonsense,play games, eat pizza and go to sleep every night in his arms. Hes the best cuddler and always makes me feel good when i flare up. He just has a knack of making me laugh in spite of myself lol. I tend to take it out on him a bit when i get like that but no matter what i say or do hes so incredibly patient and tells me it'll pass and how its ok. I always apologise but he just shrugs it off. He never believes me when i tell him how amazing he is because not everyone has that level of patience. I hate when i get like that and it upsets me when i do. I don't have a handle on it yet but I'm on the right path now at least and am currently learning various coping skills. Its gonna take a while but i don't care how long it takes as long as i can be myself again :) And I've a pretty amazing guy beside me every step of the way.

 Imma marry the shit out of that boy <3 ;)

Oh i came across this link on youtube the other day and cracked my ass laughing so much at it.. Enjoy Scientifically Accurate Ninja Turtles..your welcome....

and Scientifically Accurate Spiderman

and again, your welcome lol, till next time MoonBeams

Sunday, 28 April 2013

Randoms and Games

"Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering"

Hello dumplings. Here's my random blog of the week. Im mostly trying to take my mind of the pain in my body. The pain is mostly located in my lower half tonight. From my hips right down to my ankles and I cannot relax enough to sleep and now it's starting to slowly creep up to my top half now :(  I havent had a flare up like this in a while now.  The the only way to describe it is , it's like having the flu all the time. Like, even your bones hurt. I'll eventually fall to sleep out of exhaustion.

I hate this type of flare up. It leaves me so fatigued and utterly wiped out. To pass the time mostly when im like this I watch YouTube. Everyone I know has gone to sleep so YouTube becomes my secret lover. It tempts me every night. I like to go on random YouTube searches. I'll watch say, a Ray William Johnston video..then Ill click a random one underneath and continue to do so till I end up in the weird part of youtube. That's where you find the good shit...mostly. Im subscribed mostly to game channels but also comedy,music and famous youtubers like Smosh, Shane Dawson, etc. I go on random Smosh/Shane Dawson or whoever marathons but always end up in the cat video section! We all do!

Come on admit it! ;)

I havent been playing to much lately because it turned out I pulled a muscle in my neck. Dont ask me how I did it because I do not know. I just slept weird or stretched to much. But it was very painful and it was so sore trying to play. So I have no random gaming madness at the moment..although. I did download a game from Playstation Plus called 'Thomas Was Alone' I had no clue what this was about at all when I downloaded it. But I enjoyed it....I think. It had hints of portal 2 humor and is voiced over by Danny Wallace of all people. It's basically a puzzle platform type of game that kind of reminds me a bit of Outland. (Another excellent game)  but the gameplay has to be somewhat precise as you play. If you've played 'Braid' before then think of the challenging gameplay there. It's starts of simple enough and as you play you left thinking it's all a bit to easy. You guide Thomas, who's a square, around a puzzlescape to a doorway and he's free..but then another one joins you and then another. Im assuming more join you but I only got as far as the 'john' character, the 3rd one before frustration took over :D

( I can see myself getting totally addicted to this just like I did with Flight Control or 4 Elements. Damn puzzle games and their fiendish addictive ways)

Here's a link to some gameplay of Thomas was alone if you are intrigued by it.

Im looking forward to the end of the summer..the end? I hear you cry, but it hasn't even begun! Indeed my friends but in September we have Grand Theft Auto 5, in October we have the new Batman game and in November, legend has it Gran Turismo 6...( though in fairness we had to wait 5 years between GT4 and 5) but hey! If it's true I will be extremely happy. There is also of course the new Call of Duty, most likely in November. That'll be nice as the campers will leave Black ops2 to camp on COD:Ghosts instead, leaving us fair gamers to play peacefully online.

I say 'peacefully'

In May, PlayStation Plus are giving away 5 free new games too including Hitman Absolution and Catherine. Both of which I really wanted so im a happy bunny. My next two to buy on my wishlist is Crysis 3 and Resident Evil 6. I covet them so much.

Ugh, daylight is starting to break. I should try sleep. Fuck you flare up, you've won this round! >:(

*mutters for hours*

Sunday, Religion and P.Cs

“You’ve never heard of the Millennium Falcon? … It’s the ship that made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.”

'Hey hey, so guess what? It turns out my old laptop works fine. I say 'fine' ... it turned out it was the plug that was broke. How i found out was, i was trying to update the tablet Michael gave me, an old windows one, with the latest Ubuntu but it didn't quite work and now i need a disc to reinstall an older version. Seems as if the tablet cant handle an OS beyond a certain time. Which is fine but left me with no way of getting online properly. Then i just chanced the plug in my old laptop, not expecting anything and lo and behold it worked. Its slow as fuck and takes nearly a half hour to get properly going but i figure ill just put it to sleep instead of turning it off until i go to bed.

Its running on Vista, which i loathe and my brother in law gave me Windows XP so i was going to install that but I'm not going to until i sort out the tablet first. I remember trying to put Linux on this heap of shit and it just wouldn't work. Its an old laptop and not much memory. Something is missing of it too and it wouldn't boot off a USB either. I fucking hate using windows. I find it slow, constantly updating and freezes a lot. On any computer ive used it on. I find Ubuntu much faster and better overall. It took 7 hours to defrag this computer yesterday and when i turned it on today guess what...yep you have 1 of 7 updates please do not turn of your computer.... i hate that shit. It just does it for you. Ubuntu just loads them all up and when your ready to update it , you just do it yourself and its done pretty quickly compared to windows. Once its done its done too. None of this crap of when you turn your computer back on you have to wait till your next birthday before you can use it.

A few months back everything just broke on me, my ps3, my laptop,my was so frustrating. Now my tablet, an archos one is completely unworkable. I was listening to music on it but accidentally hit off it and it smashed against a tin , cracking the screen. It always happens when you don't have the money to repair shit. I got a new 500gb PS3 in the end so at least that was something. The reason i didn't think it was the plug to begin with was because it was only a new one. I only had it about 6 months so i thought my laptop just died as it is old. But i don't think ill attempt putting XP on because the way my luck is going it wont work either and ill be left with nothing for months.

I'm would just love to be able to go in and buy a shiny new computer. I tried to sleep last night but couldn't for whatever reason so ended up playing Plants V Zombies till 4.30am. I have it on ps3 too but prefer it on P.C. I have a couple of other 'mystery' type games on this too...more for my Ma but I'm sure ill start playing them too. I do prefer playing certain games on P.C for sure and used to all the time. But i prefer my PS3 for games like Call of Duty, Resident Evil, racing games etc. Some just play better on P.C. I used to play Grim Fandango and Black and White mostly. But both of those games have mysteriously disappeared on me. :(

The screen on this seems so big too. I found loads of pictures and music i thought i had lost so i was delighted. I will be putting them onto a USB as soon as possible just in case. I'm not even sure the plug is the right wattage or whatever but works for now :)

I hate Sundays too. Its such a dragged out day. Theres a bored feeling in the air and everyone is like...ugh work tomorrow. Theres always that air of 'its monday' tomorrow. But thankfully the spate of 'its friday' and 'oh no its Monday tomorrow' posts have stopped on Facebook. I swear that did my head in. The 'give me coffee' ones have stopped too. Grumpy cat is starting to die down too. But atheism V religion still rages on *yawn*  I yawn because no one is saying anything new. No one is coming up with anything Witty as such. Its all recycled rubbish again and again. A few weeks ago a guy i had on Facebook put up a picture of a decapitated child. The body lying on the ground and the head just above the next and the caption read 'this is what your religion does'... I was so disturbed by the picture and saw this guy was quite militant in his beliefs. But i was more offended by the fact that he assumed that this child had died for religious reasons. It annoys me how people take stuff out of context to suit themselves.

People who don't believe, atheists, agnostics etc have enough to go on with without making up stupid and graphic memes to validate their views. Loads of people go mad when say the bombings in Boston went off. Yes it was horrible and it shouldn't have happened. But what about the Americans dropping bombs all over Afghanistan etc to 'flush' out Bin Laden or Hussein or whoever they decide is the scary monster..What about all those thousands of people that died then? They have bombed Afghanistan back to the stone age. Did America do it for religion? No..they did it for Oil and for Bush to try prove something to Daddy. Yet America are always talking about freedom for all and have their civilians under close watch. Everything is monitored there. They damn China for oppressing their citizens for taking away Facebook, Twitter and Youtube yet Homeland security know what you had for breakfast. If you are Atheist in certain parts or gay or anyway different you are practically run out of town. Years ago i wanted to move to the states. I was going  to g to an Art college in New York. I had a scholarship and hadn't told anyone at the time. I wanted to be sure i had it and stuff. But then 9-11 happened. I was planning on putting my scholarship of for a year to save and go the following year but everything got so fucked up in the states i decided against it. It was one of the hardest decision's i ever had to make. I worked my ass off for that scholarship but at the time i am glad now i didn't go given the state of everything there.

anyway i seem to have wandered of in all sorts of thoughts here so ill leave it here and entertain myself somehow :) 

Friday, 29 March 2013

Angry and had Enough

It came to my attention recently that some people were talking shit behind my back. One particular nasty shit of a woman was still doing it in fact. It just makes me laugh. They love the drama. They love causing trouble. They never take any responsibility for their own crazy fucked up thought processes. They never never stop to think 'wait maybe im the problem' They never say sorry. They never ARE sorry. They never think they are wrong. They would rather put all their weirdness, their strange sexual energies, insecurities and fucked up behavior on someone in a passive aggressive fashion. I should know too, as I had to put up with someone like this. Passive aggressive people are hard to deal with. They spread lies and tell things backwards, for example when they do something that is messed up they will tell others that it was someone else that said it or that did it. I've had first hand experience of this to the point where my reputation is ruined to certain people. They realise their behavior is fucked up yet enjoy it. They would rather destroy all thats good around them and then blame someone else. They dont care who they hurt nor the drama they cause, as long as they get what they want.

The funny thing is, with this particular person I could ruin their reputation among everyone they know with a few simple 'copy and pastes' to the right people. They seem to forget this. Im not in any way, shape or form a vindictive person.  But push me and I will fuck shit up for you. The one thing I learned from this person, lets call them Sloth. One thing ive learned from Sloth is never delete anything. Always keep emails and chats because a Sloth will always aways turn stuff on you when it suits them. Show certain people parts of a conversation to start trouble. So I learned to keep my emails etc to prove them wrong. And see, when I started doing this Sloth wasn't happy. Because Sloth couldn't lie anymore. So Sloth went nuclear in the end and told everyone I was the reason why they couldn't be friends with someone. I could not be fucking bothered explaining myself yet again in regards to this situation. I did nothing wrong here at all and yet im the devil incarnate. All I know is I asked Sloth to explain how it was my fault and I never got a reply. Which speaks volumes as a Sloth as we know, is never wrong!

And on another note much similar to this. I dont care much for people saying shit about me but when you start bringing my boyfriend into it and causing trouble between us, that where I take issue. Nobody knows what goes on in any relationship. If me and M are so unhappy with eachother..if he 'treats' me so bad, if im 'better off without him' and on and on, then why are we still together nearly 2 years now ??!! Could it be possibly be the fact that we practically mirror eachother in our thoughts, interests and hobbies...or could it be the deep connection we both that can't be it . Im sort of thinking it can't possibly be the fact that we love eachother deeply and the one time we very nearly broke up,it tore the hearts out of us..maybe the fact that we both found happiness and love with each other that we never thought possible and aren't alone anymore...No,the real reason we stay together to piss people off. I love been with someone that 'treats me like shit' and he loves having with a 'clingy jealous' girlfriend who cant have any friends with. Seriously look at his facebook page..theres only me now im all he needs. #overly attached girlfriend ain't got nothing on me.

SERIOUSLY! :D people need to start looking at their own lives before they start pointing out faults to others. What's lacking in your life that you feel the need to interfere and try ruin other people's happiness. Something is lacking in the head to go to the degrees of crazy that I've experienced (and know from moles is still going on) The problem with passive aggressive people is that they get so used to manipulating the other person like a piece of putty so when they start seeing through you and stand up for themselves,theres less passive and more aggression. Usually it's directed at that person for a while and if there's no reaction they involve friends and family. To waste your time and energy doing this to another human is pathetic way to live. Accept that you were the problem and make amends. But of course noone would do that because it means telling everyone your a pathological liar and a bully. That's psychiatric shit right there.

It bugs me that someone has been spreading lies and rumors about me and it bugs me more than others would rather believe them than come to me. You are just helping the bully and thats just as bad.

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Long Distance

Hey ho,

Im having the weirdest night ever. Im in a lot of pain tonight,my heads pounding and im freezing cold. Im stressed out so much and can't even say why. I haven't been able to spend much time with my boyfriend lately. I just dont know what's going to happen in the future, my life is spiralling out of control and im powerless to do anything about it. My heart is breaking and I can't stop crying right now. Everyone is tearing me apart. I just want him but it seems impossible right now.

Long distance relationships are hard. You need trust,love and friendship. You need commitment to eachother, time for eachother, compatibility, you really need to want to be with that person and not just something that's online for the craic but there's a back up at the weekends. You have to REALLY want to be together. Most peoples relationships if they dont live together, is based on seeing eachother maybe 3-5 days a week depending obviously on the seriousness of the relationship. But try going months. It's horrible. You miss that person desperately and durning those times when you really need eachother it hurts the most. You miss all the little things, hugs and night time chats cuddled up together. If I had the money I would move to England. But it's not just that simple for me as im also getting treatment and most likely will be for at least 6-9 months. He takes care of his dad. So its a rock and a hard place situation.

Then the inevitable comes.. 'who's moving in with who'.  It's not just across the country or a few counties up, it involves one of us moving countries. Albeit only across the water to a similar country. My boyfriend is been made redundant next month. Its such a horrible thing to happen :( I do hope he finds something soon, im sure he will as he's fantastic but it just feels like everything is against us lately. It just all feels hopeless. We were supposed to go to my cousins wedding next month in Cardiff but I can't afford to go now.  It just sucks so much.

To think of not been with him is too upsetting to even think about and it's what had me awake right now despite the fact that im so tired and teary. When we are together, we have the best time. He just gets me. He's so patient too and has been a rock to me the past few months. I just feel comfortable with him. I can be myself with him. We are deeply in love despite what some might think and it kills us both been in this situation. He makes me happy and even if it takes a while ( just kidding babe:) he always says the right thing or something that makes me smile despite myself. We have the best chats and the weirdest chats. We like the same stuff more or less, games,movies (generally,he like his 'boy' movies, gory and gross, I dont lol)music,food, everything.  It's like I've found 'my one' but yet we can't be together and im pushing him away because im afraid.

  I know im making myself worse too with my fibromyalgia getting so worked up and upset durning a flare up, plus yesterday was my dad's anniversary. He died 6 years ago after a short battle with cancer. It still feels like it wasnt that long ago and at times is still quite raw. So I guess im overly emotional right now.

Maybe I should stop writing and try get some sleep though. Zzzzz

Sunday, 17 March 2013

Religion and it's nonsense!

Hello everyone!

St Patricks day has come and gone and I avoided it all. Paddys day, for an Irish person living in Dublin in particular, can be nightmareish. Every tourist wearing over grown green hats, green glasses,green ties, everything green. Navigating the city centre for the simplest of things is a task and a half. The city just goes on holiday. It's a bank holiday this weekend because paddys day was on a Sunday so everyone has tomorrow off. The legend of course, about St Patrick was he came and rid Ireland of the snakes, turning a lake red with the blood among other tales. But in reality 'St Patrick' was actually sent to Ireland from the British to convert the pagan Irish to accept God. The 'snakes' was actually the names the British gave the non believers. Patrick, 'beloved saint' and the guy we dedicate an entire day too, was ordered to kill the 'snakes' Rid the land of them. The lake that 'spilled with blood and turned red' was actually the blood of the pagan Irish who refused to convert. So to me the very idea of celebrating the day to a murderer seems slightly weird. Ireland,for centuries was very much a pagan/ Druid country. We lived a peaceful life ,not bothering anyone until mostly the brits kept repeatedly invading us and under punishment of death we had to accept religion. Id imagine we would have been a much more progressive country had religion not been enforced on us and moulded the rather fascist religious doctrine that dominated this country for many, many years. Im not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination. Since I was 7 I saw it all as bullshit and stopped doing religion as a subject in school as soon as I could. My religion teachers hated me lol. I was very quiet in school, but in religion I could never keep my tongue. It's all so ridiculous to me.

I get quite annoyed in town, when I see the abortion protesters. They are usually outside the main post office in the city centre, the G.P.O. What I find most offensive with them mostly, is the huge posters they have of aborted fetuses. They are so horribly graphic and disturbing. There's no need. Most people who support that shit though are religious right wingers, bored church going housewives and the weirdo young ones who you just want to instantly wedgie lol. But they are so in your face, so aggressive. They are sanctimonious pricks. I think a womans body is her body . What she chooses to do with it is her business. I personally wouldn't have an abortion but it's not my place to tell you if you can or not and it's certainly not up to the half formed creatures who fight so venomously to keep it illegal. I know there are some people out there who have abortions without another thought and that, but for a lot of women they are absolutely torn at doing it and never forget it no matter how many kids they might have. At some point in everyones life they have to do something that tears them up inside. You dont know what you would do faced with such a decision. Thats why I cant stand these religious freaks dictating to everyone about 'killing' babys. I dont know anyone at all whos had an abortion but as a woman I can't even begin to imagine making that decision. Imagine turning up at a clinic to have these nobodies screaming at you all in the name of 'god'. Because that's just it. It's not their actual belief system it's from a dusty old fairy tale book that they take their views from. They live by a set of rules thats been rewritten time and time again. It would make quite the comedy sitcom if the reality wasn't quite so bleak.

I saw a documentary a while back that really disturbed me. 'jesus camp'  a 'charismatic' teacher, Becky Fischer, 'trains' young soldiers in “God’s Army” at a camp in North Dakota. Some of the kids emerge as likable and bright, and eager to continue their work as pint-sized preachers; elsewhere, the visions of children speaking in tongues and falling to the floor in ecstasy are more troubling. Even more disturbing is the vision of a generation of children home-schooled to believe that the Bible is science, or Fischer’s certainty that America’s flawed system of democracy will someday be replaced by a theocracy. I had to stop it a few times as it was quite disturbing to watch kids screaming crying because this woman is shouting at them that they are all liars and won't admit they love Jesus at school and to their friends. It's a powerful documentary and how she manipulates these kids particularly 3 young lads, is beyond freaky. It's child abuse quite simply. Take the religion out if it and its child abuse. It's on netflix I know and it's worth a peek. I saw it on a documentary website so if you dont have netflix you can find it im sure on youtube etc, but definitely worth watching.

Michael is atheist so we have no disagreements at all on that front. If we had kids there's no christenings etc. For me, if I ever got married I always said a registery office or in a forest would be so nice. A church wedding is out for me. You have to go get 'counselling' from a priest. A priest! A celibate child molester. And attend church for at least 6 weeks before the wedding. Bunch of crap. If I get married it's because I love the person im with. If I agree to marry someone it's because I've already decided that person is right for me. If I get married it's because I found my soulmate and my missing piece. I dont need a man in a dress 'counselling' me about marriage and telling  what is required of me as a wife. The very notion is ridiculous

'girl from mars' by Ash is playing, how apt. I am quite strange lol

Im pretty sure I will write more on this tomorrow. Im only awake this late because im in agony. My fibromyalgia is so bad today. Im exhausted and want to sleep but the pain is keeping me awake. There's a reason why im like this but I just want to sleep now haha. I shall l definitely write more tomorrow. I have photos I want to put up too :)

Till then my moonbeams, goodnight and good luck :) xx

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Killers and Tv Shows

The hardest part about wanting to write is knowing where to start. Then when a train of thought comes into my head i suddenly remember i have dishes to do..its 1.50am .. I cant just think 'ah sure, ill do them in the morning' i swear, its an OCD thing . It'll bother me if i don't do them. Its quite spooky in my house too at the moment so the fact that my kitchen looks dead ahead of my back garden i am not going to enjoy this. Various horror scenes run through my over active brain right now but the ocd part of me is thinking of the dishes lol... Off to my inevitable doom i go. Typically, its also stormy and raining out. Perfect horror movie scene death. I reckon ill get my throat slit open by a 9 fingered Schizophrenic midget in a pig mask, who has an addiction to sugar donuts and Freddo's.

OK, so i made it back and not a slasher in sight. I really let my imagination run away with me at times ;)

I spent most of today watching cartoons and Monk. Monk is a detective show along the lines of Murder She Wrote but hes got Ocd's and nearly every panic disorder in the book. The plot lines are implausible and over the top. The cops in it are unbelievable but its sooo good lol. I mean, the 7 seasons of it. If you've never seen it , go watch it. Its hilarious, and bad and great all rolled into one. I have a weakness for shows like that, Heartbeat, Murder She Wrote, Columbo etc.. Great viewing lol

I like Criminal minds too but really don't like CSI. I love the X-Files.  I always have. Its one of my favourite shows ever. I was crazy about Fox Mulder :D I love Quantum Leap too. You always waited on Sam's last leap home but it never came. So poor Sam is still hopping in and out of peoples bodies saving lives. I'm not really all that keen on TV nowadays. TV was definitely better in the 80s/90s. Though i do love certain shows now, there was just something about 80s shows and movies. I swear even Xmas was better in the 80s.All the best toys came out then.  It was an exciting time for consoles and gaming companies, Mr T, Airwolf, Alf, the list goes on. The music was good and dodgy as was the fashion. Good times..good times.

 My Dads anniversary is coming up soon so I've been a bit away with the fairies. I hate this time of year. St Patricks day is coming, though if most Irish people knew the true meaning of that day, i doubt we'd be celebrating it haha. But I'm far too tired to go into that right now. Its a bit of a nothing blog about nothing in particular and i know i did want to bring something up but its gone out of my head now. ah sure, it can wait for another day. The bed is calling me...

                                               This Blog was brought to you by
  • Insomnia
  • Royseven
  • Cadbury Whole Nut
  • Over Active Imagination
  • A Bit Of Satans Spinach                                                

Monday, 11 March 2013

Love, Life and Mneh

OK then, so yesterdays blog was a bit...on the extreme downside. I have been having a very bad few days and have been very hard on myself. As Ive mentioned before i have a house guest and am trying to juggle my time so everyone gets a piece of this giraffe lol. But its been hard. i want to please everyone but cant. Its all just been building up and I've been waking up with pains in my stomach from trying to keep it all together. I prefer helping others cope with their problems because it takes my mind of mine. I have been over analysing everything i say, whats been said to me, I'm taking things up wrong, Ive been taking up the wrong way in things i say, its been a nightmare. I'm over thinking about my replies to people in case they take it up the wrong way. But the weird thing is, is that its just me causing this. No one IS taken me up wrong.I'm over thinking the situation too much that its almost happened already in my head. Its fucked up. I know it hasn't happened but the the stress of what might be taken up wrong has me second guessing outcomes. I actually don't know if that makes sense to anyone but it has my head fucked. I was looking back at photos from just about a year ago and how happy i looked and felt. It feels like a lifetime away.

Nothing in particular has brought this on. That's the despairing thing. I really as fine one day and then suddenly i wasn't. I was doing things very out of character, flying of the handle, that sort of thing. Looking back i think i knew where i was heading but i just couldn't fight anymore. I am getting help. It feels like a safety net to me right now. I am been taken serious. I have been told that's this a problem. I don't feel like I'm going mad anymore. I wish it could have happened a bit sooner but i don't feel like I'm floundering so much anymore. Your mental health is so important, so do get help if you feel like anything I've described before. The mind is a powerful thing if its in trouble. I'm still scared to death ill do something stupid someday if I'm been totally honest.  I don't know who i am anymore and I'm just lost.

But you know something there have been people there for me. Just sending little random messages and emails. I will write about those people in a different blog because I'm going to get sidetracked otherwise lol.. but they know who they are and know how much i love them. The reason why I'm doing that is because i just wanted to take a bit of time out and say a few things about Michael. He has been totally amazing throughout all this. Without him i don't know what i would have done. Hes my soul mate. I know this for sure and we have a bond between us that is rare to find in another person. I have been taken my frustrations out on him a lot, blaming him for stuff and just been a sucky girlfriend the past couple of months. He is genuinely so patient with me even though I'm sure he bangs his head of the wall in frustration at me, and so loving. Hes just there for me and i know it kills him knowing I'm suffering. I guess I'm just writing this now because its coming out a lot more coherently now than it has in the past few months..I often forget he's also going through this with me. I get so wrapped up in myself that i forget he's upset too. I feel like shit over some things i said to him and fights that i started out of nowhere. That sort of thing is so out of character for me and i feel like shit that i did that to him. God knows he had enough of that before.

Our song has been constantly going round my head and when i see the photos of us together on my wall , my stomach still flips when i see his smile. I miss him so so much and cant wait to see him next month. Hes my 'one' i know and i want everything with him.He has been so amazing throughout all this with me and i just cant express how much he means to me.  He just has this way of making me smile against my will lol. When I'm trying to be annoyed at him, he just makes me giggle with his answers or his reactions. Not in a bad way obviously but he can be so oblivious sometimes, bless him lol. Fuck! now I'm making myself miss him more.This is one our favourite pictures of us together. It was taken just before my flight home and i knew then, that i had met someone extremely special

Weird Days

Im having a very weird day today. I am very down and upset about one thing in particular that im not going to go into right now as it's quite personal. But today (Sunday) has been difficult. Im really quite exhausted by it all and I am quite sleepy. But I thought id try get a few words down before I do.  I have been struggling quite a bit with my depression lately. Days like today, it just takes over. It's incredibly difficult to understand and to deal with myself so to try make others understand it near impossible. It gets very lonely and isolated. I've always grown up feeling Like an outsider. All on the outside looking in. I've never quite fit in with anyone or any groups. Im awkward and shy and have problems dealing with large groups of people. I dont understand why people like me or want to be around me.

My confidence has hit rock bottom. Several things have happened in the last few years that have hit me hard. I dont like leaving the house. I like been by myself and using a keyboard to talk to my friends. I feel like a prisoner and it all seems so bleak. Depression is a cunt. As I said my self confidence has hit rock bottom. I feel like the ugliest person in the world. I am lol. I can never do anything right. Even when I joke around ,it's always the wrong thing or time and I just piss people off. I dont know what my purpose is.I dont even know why my boyfriend sticks it out with me. Or any friends. Im not enough for anyone. It's as simple as that. I dont deserve anyone or anything good happen. Im a total washout.

I know one day it'll pass and everything will be rosy in the garden once again, but right now it's a struggle. If I wrote how I was really feeling here id probably be strapped down and sent off to the funny farm. What a throughly depressing blog this has been. But im told it helps to write and stuff. I dont one but there's a part of my soul that's been hard to bare. Enjoy picking over the bones :)

Thursday, 7 March 2013

A Blog

Hey hey hey,

I have made a few changes to my blog as you can see. I thought id jazz it up a bit. At the bottom there is now a language section so you can now translate my blog into whatever language your little heart desires. Also you can see how many views my blogs got too, over 4000. Which is really nice and bizarre to know that many have read it :) So whats new? I have been quite stoned for the past week, that was nice. I haven't really been smoking so much weed the past few months but my friend is here for a while and we indulged a bit :D So the past week has been a bit of a smoky haze to be honest. But its all back to normality now. The catching up has been done and my gaming needs to be attended too ;) I'm weirdly awake tonight, yet i have to be up early. I hate that.

So my passport fiasco has been sorted out..sort of. They lost all my documents for a while and apparently my pictures didn't pass the strict photograph rules. Its so annoying as i got it done in a photo booth place. It said the picture was fine and past the standards yet they tell me theres a white light on my glasses. So hopefully ill have it in a few weeks and i can go see Michael. This shit only happens to me i swear. Speaking of Michael, he recently got me FarCry 3 for my PS3 which we have been playing for the past 2 days. We finished the co-op really quickly as its not that hard. I was quite surprised at how easy it was. So we started it again on the next level of difficulty before deciding that the 'insane' mode was better to start with so were doing that now. Its still a bit easy though. I find we only start to suck when we both get to tired, then the next day we go back to it, its done in  a matter of minutes LOL. But all in all, from what Ive been told and what i have played so far, single player is sooo much better.

I just want  a game like Resident Evil 5 again, something really absorbing. ( 'Get Resident Evil 6' i hear you shriek) I know when we start the DLC in Borderlands it'll be like that again. See, i bought some DLC and usually game share with Michael but because i got a new PS3 and had deactivated my old one, he cant get anything of me for another 2 months. After you deactivate a PS3, you usually have to wait 6 months before  you can deactivate it again. Ive had 3 ps3s of various storage sizes 40gb, 320gb and now a 500gb one. But i never properly deactivated my first one. Its a very long winded way of explaining it but because i now have a new ps3 and had to activate my account on it, he cant get anything for 6 months till i sort it. But towards  the end of April i think he should be able to download of me again.

Ive been having a weird few days too. Ive not been feeling like myself at all. I'm in quite a bit of pain, not sleeping great and feeling so unsure about stuff. I really hate feeling this way and feel like ill never get out of that funk. I can feel myself slipping again and cant stop it.Id love if someone could just come along and take it all away from me. I just want a break from it.  Depression is a bastard!

 'Eyes bemused, a disconnect, A dream of hidden death,

Saturday, 2 March 2013

Puzzles games and Nonsense

Hello, Its been a few days since my last blog as i have a friend staying with me for a while. Hes an old friend of mine from way back and he isn't very well. So hes recuperating here for a while. So because of that i haven't really had any time to do much but now in the still of the night i can gather my thoughts for a bit and write some nonsense about whatever comes to mind right now.

I'm, at the moment playing Flower on PS3. Ive had it ages but never really played it. I'm on the 4th flower now and really getting into it. You basically control a petal and sweep along other closed up flowers, to release more petals to replenish the surrounding areas. It uses the motion control on the Sixaxis controller and is such a pleasant game to play :) Have a link to see yourself...

Michael recently got Black Ops 2 which made me very excited lol. Ive been dying for ages to play it with him. He recently got the DLC for it so we've been playing that tonight and having a great chat and a laugh. Its nights like tonight especially, i am so glad he is in my life. He makes me laugh and smile even when i don't want too. Hes been so unbelievably awesome the past few weeks. A rock in my life. Just tonight was so nice to just have one of those nights together. I needed it so much. Hes pretty special to me and its an amazing feeling to know when you know someones just right for you. You can spend years in a relationship with someone that suddenly ends one night and then meet someone a couple of years later that you just know in a matter of weeks that they are just perfect for you. Love is funny like that.

'A Thousand miles seems pretty far,
But they've got planes and trains and cars,
I'd walk to you if i had no other way,

I am also going to be doing a separate blog.A new one. A different one to vent on and that certain people cannot read basically. So when i do have that up and running i will say here and if you want to read it just post your email in the comments or email me and ill link you to it. To be honest its gonna be a brutally honest blog about certain situations in my life etc.. No holding back ;) but i don't want to do it here as so many friends and family and creepers read this blog lol..So yeah when i do it ill say it here and if you want the link you'll have to mail me or leave your email :)

And the fourth flower is done :) Damn this games addictive as hell lol. I tend to go on mad gaming buzzes with games like this. I'm always like 'one more level' and then its 6am and I'm bleary eyed. The last game i got like this with (puzzle game) was 4 Elements. Which i still haven't quite finished but i haven't played it in ages either. I love puzzle games but get sooo addicted to them. Theres one i play on my Android tablet a lot called  'Alchemy' The basic premise of the game has been around years, but its still a classic, combining various elements together to create new ones. Unfortunately my tablets not working very well so i haven't played it in a while.

I think ill play my fifth flower then head to bed. I need to be up fairly early tomorrow :) So my crazy moonbeams i shall leave it here until next time. Toodles!

Monday, 25 February 2013

A Late Rant

So tomorrow, technically today I have a friend come stay with me for a while. Which will be fun. As the first day will just be spent just getting pure stoned,having a catch up,listening to music and getting stoned some more. Before he inevitably crashes out at 9 lol.  I haven't seen him in a while now so it will be a nice distraction for a few weeks. Im in bed now,it's 1.30 am but im in bits. I spent the day tidying up the spare room with my mother, had to finally tackle the dust bunnies in my room and do shopping. But I am feeling it so bad now. My back is absolutely killing me. I have pain shooting down my legs and my knees are just throbbing. This all after a horrible headfuck of a weekend.

I had a bit of a weird episode over the weekend. Im not going to go into too much detail as I dont want to bore anyone but it really brought it home to me I guess how fucked up I feel. Another friend of mine is suffering from depression too and it really helps us both to talk to eachother. I guess we both see if one is getting a tad 'eccentric' and usually jump in to help.  My computer wasn't working over the weekend so I only saw certain comments on her wall after and felt bad cos it was like I dropped the ball. It seemed to long after to bring it up as it is a sensitive subject (the particular comments) and felt it was better to have not said anything..but now im thinking , no I should have said something. We both agree though that cannabis is helping us more than the anti depressants. The ones that I am taking aren't addictive. There's no dependancy on them at all. Im not a fan of pharmaceuticals at all. Im highly suspicious as most are just placebos or can do more harm than good.I would always be highly skeptical about 'happy pills' but it takes hitting rock bottom to realize it's ok to get help. I spent the last year or so 'trying' to pretend I was ok. Hiding behind the facade. I dont ever want to feel the way I have the past few months. It was horribly isolating and very damaging.

I was able to switch my meds overnight. I was told they take 2 weeks to really kick in. Im on my second week now. So fingers crossed I'll start feeling a bit better and stop feeling so blue. Michael has been so supportive the past few weeks in particular. It helps to have people that you can bounce off and chat too. But he deserves a medal. :)

I know I had something else to write about but I cannot remember. Im getting a lot of friend requests on PS3 lately for some bizarre reason lol. Must be my awesome skills ;) likewise one night my Twitter exploded and had about 15 people follow me in less than an hour then I woke up next day with 10 more followers. I never thought I'd be the Twitter type, in fact I was quite against Twitter. I thought it was nonsense but a friend asked me to join to give her more followers lol and I did. Now im addicted to it. Thanks Adriana lol.


If you have Twitter add me and I'll follow back, search....


I usually put my most random thoughts there. If by random I mean stoned :D so dont expect anything exceptionally profound or life changing. Just me usually talking about finding the best cheese puffs or having first world problems! :-)

I did something odd today and probably will confuse some Spanish guy. He added me after we played Red Dead Redemption online and send me a message with one Spanish word. I had no clue what it meant and googled it. It turned out to be something like 'friends' or 'posse' or something I cant quite remember. Thats not the odd bit. The odd bit is, I went and got google to translate 'I dont speak Spanish im sorry' and messaged him back. Then I thought, 'i just told him I dont speak Spanish yet I sent him a message in Spanish' lol another weird thing that happened in Android related news, the stock keyboard I have on my phone is a random racist keyboard. Among other things it has 'predicted' for me I was messaging Michael the other said and mistyped as I often do and was meant to wrote the word 'said' instead it came out 'saud' which lead to the prediction 'a Saudi assassination' I shit you not. When I use the word 'muggles' it predicts first miggles then 'niggles' then the  N word. I often write 'lop' instead of 'lol' too. This annoys me so im sure the recipient of the message is pretty irritated by it too :-)

Another thing that annoys me so much is when people write the wrong way on purpose. For example......

'hey bbz, w@nNA cum ovr2 mine b4 we goez tew d@ klub, im wering mai shawt skirtz cuz I lyk it'

it's not 1995 people. Most of us have smart phones. You aren't even limited to 140 characters so stop writing like a 4 year old. And in other news,  'that' has just dropped the 'h'. It's now spelt 'tat' and 'thought' is now 'taught' and 'baby' is either 'baybeh' 'bebe' or 'bbz' It really gets my goat, there's no need for it. Spell properly damn it. I can understand if you have problems, dyslexia etc but the majority of you dont. You got an education. Stop been so damn lazy and spell properly. It's ok on Twitter, everythings always ok in Twitter. You are tied to a certain set of characters. But not on On Facebook you can write what you want in a huge status window. No limits. Unless Zuckerberg wants you dead.

Then you're fucked.