Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Weird night and Relationships

It's such a weird night.. A while back just after I finished writing the other blog my friend texted me telling me his dad died tonight. He was battling cancer, the same as my dads 5 years ago. Even though I've been in that position, I just didn't know what to say. Everyone always say they are sorry for your loss etc, And they are.. But it just becomes monotonous - robotic, after a while. You're already numb so you don't even notice.

I feel so restless tonight. I'm tired but my head is whirring like crazy. I just feel strange. I feel like I'm not here or something. It feels like I'm dead but im a spirit. I am here but im not. I'm remembering things but im not so sure they are my memories. I don't feel like me. It feels like I don't exist or like I've been taken out of my body for a break.

A cosmic timeout.

A distant thought in my brain is telling me to brace myself for something that's going to happen, I don't know what that is but it doesn't feel to good. It's not like serious trouble like the law or anything. More personal. But what I don't know.

'Hello, I love you won't you tell me your name'

I haven't achieved much in my life. I sometimes think I am a disappointment to my parents. They always wanted me to do my best. I was the first in my family to stay on in school and go to college. I did really well in both school and more do in college. I graduated in distinction from doing first a portfolio year, then fine art, i was awarded student of the year. I was offered loads of college places for master degree courses. I didn't continue on. I fell in love.

I moved out with him and we set up home together. Through that time in my early 20s, the experiences I had, the travelling I went on, discovering new things I wouldn't change any of it. I am who I am because of it. When i was younger I was so full of self doubt.. I was depressed and covered it all up . I was the 'funny,' one I was always laughing and smiling and pretending everything was fine But inside I felt like dying. It became a huge strain for me. A lot of time I kept so much in. This had nothing to do with my then boyfriend. It was just me. I hate large crowds and am generally a quiet person. I'm quite shy meeting people and worry way to much about what they really think of me.

I have a really sweet caring boyfriend now. I truly love him so, so much. Hes made me so happy. We have had our ups and downs but we get through it because it hurts us both when we fight. It just doesn't feel right. To be honest i dont think I'm good enough for him. I always worry whether I really make him happy or he just feels sorry for me. I know I'm not the prettiest, hottest girl in the world. I don't have perfect skin or the perfect figure. I'm pretty average. I think I'm quite weird looking.  in my junior years in secondary school I was bullied by some girls in my class. They used to take my stuff, harass me to wind me up, call me weirdo and space girl. It's weird to think back on that. Cos the me now would verbally rip them apart. I could have them too but was crippled by shyness. It's just weird to think back on it. Like it wasn't me.

'hello darkness my old friend, ive come to talk to you again'

Such a weird mood. I'm kind of freaking out really. I really wish I had someone to talk to right now. I'm remembering some things from my childhood. Just good memories but with such a longing. I just feel broke. My fibromyalgia is really getting to me lately. I just don't know why I developed this. It just feels so unfair that i once had a really active life, I was co-managing an art and hobby shop. Everything was coming to together finally. Then I started to feel really tired all the time. Then a year later i busted up my leg pretty bad. Broke up with my then boyfriend and moved back to Dublin. Then was diagnosed with fibromyalgia last year. It's robbed so much out of my life. I hate it so much and I hate the anxiety attacks it creates. I hate the chronic pain. I hate the chronic fatigue. I hate meds. I hate the fact that i will have it for life. I hate the fact i cant be with Michael properly. I hate the 'alone' feeling this creates.

I wish michael was with me now . It just feels 'safe' when im with him. He's so amazing I just don't understand what he sees in me. I know it sounds crazy but sometimes I find myself thinking he's embarrassed by me. And it's really stupid but i sometimes get a bit upset that he never leaves little cute messages on my wall anymore. It's such a girly thing to say but little things like that are what gets through the day and make you smile when you suddenly remember it randomly through the day. Knowing that someone is there for you no matter what. I love been on a relationship. I love our own little private jokes. I love when i catch him looking at me and smiling to himself. It makes my stomach flip every time. I just don't get why I'm so scared im gonna lose it all. I just feel so scared tonight. It's irrational.

'maybe it's a wonderful world, but i cant feel it right now, thought that I was doing well but I just wanna cry now'

Oh brain I do wish you would shut up and let me sleep. I feel my normal self returning I am not going to read over what I just wrote and just publish it. Excuse any spelling mistakes :)



2 comments:

  1. I'm not embarrassed by you at all babe. I'm proud of you

    ReplyDelete
  2. Why are you proud of me? I'm a screw up

    ReplyDelete