Tuesday, 25 September 2012

It's 4am!

So i noticed that this blog has very nearly hit 3000 views. That's really mind boggling to me. It's like, i cant believe so many people have read my insane warblings. I don't make a lot of sense most of the time but it's pretty cool that some people take an interest. So thanks to any one of you that keep coming back.

I had wanted to do a blog for a long time but felt to self conscious to do one. I think Michael started to do one before I did but that's not the reason I started though some people think it was. Lol.. As if im one of those 'sheep' I've always found writing very therapeutic and this is one way of releasing steam.

I've had one of those days where I really tried to explain something to someone. It just came out really wrong and now my mind is completely in overdrive and i cant sleep. I just feel so bad. I pretty much fuck up everything in my life. I just don't know sometimes why I'm here sometimes. I'm just one of life's little fuck ups. I started of life as a 'little mistake' so it stands to reason :/

It's near 4.30 am. I have the most awful headache and can't sleep. I feel so tired too but it's like a vice grips on my head. I can feel the start of a fibro flare up. The weather has turned quite nasty here so my body is a bit messed up now. Sometimes I don't ever think I'll get used to having fibromyalgia. It must do wonders for my appearance as people often remark at how great I look and how they would never know i was ill lol

It's so windy out. I swear it's like haunting nearly. It's really comfy in bed though. I love been in bed when it's raining outside. It's so much better when there's someone to snuggle with but alas im alone.

I really should try sleeping again.

That's a rather abrupt ending to this blog. I'll try jazzy it up more.. Hmm let's see..

So its time for me to embark on a cognitive adventure through time and space. A time for my dopamine to be released and a time for many a wonderful creature and man to gallop through my psychedelic mind and pluck from its tree of knowledge

Yes.. That'll do pig!

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Long Distance Love

I've only had 2 real proper relationships. I was with my ex for nearly 8 years. We got together in our early 20s.i was just finishing college he was working in a train station . We met through my friend Ash. We hot it of straight away and after a couple of weeks we start seeing each other. Over the next few years we laughed, cried, grew together, experienced a lot of things together, good and bad. In the last couple of years we weren't getting on so great particularly in the last year. I guess really we both had outgrown the relationship. One day as we were talking I just kind of blurted out that I didn't think it was working. Then I couldn't stop talking. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. He moved away 6 weeks later. At the time i was heart broken. He was my best friend and suddenly he was gone. I found it weird been on my own after 8 years . you get so used to thinking for two. But we still remain friends which is a lot more than most people can say. Some people just can't understand how we can still be friends. But we never fucked eachother over. We never hurt eachother. We just simply grew apart and became more like friends. When we do meet up which isn't often as he lives abroad, its like 2 mates having a laugh. In fact we get on so much better now we aren't romantically /sexually involved. It's kind of weird in a way that when I do hang out with him It's weird to think we were together. I know that seems a bit weird but i guess it's because we are so different now to the us back then. We would never get back together though. That's definitely not on the cards but it's nice to still have the friendship at the end of it all.

I had a disastrous rebound after that. I won't go into too much detail cos it's a bit personal but man, I ended up with basically a man child. So tied to his mother's apron strings it wasn't funny. He was so possessive and had a nasty streak. He would call me 4-5-6 times a day. If I didn't answer he'd go mental. Accusing me if all sorts. He'd text me, ring me all hours. He smothered me. He was such a child. So i ended that quickly.

Then I thought fuck it i dont want a relationship. I need to be on my own for a while. And I was for nearly a year. The rebound had fucked me up. It's true what they say about rebounds lol.. Just stay away. It took me a long time to get over what happened with rebound guy. But then I met Michael.

Sometimes in life you just meet someone that makes everything in life suddenly make sense. We've had our ups and downs but no matter what we've stuck by eachother. Hes a pretty amazing guy with so much patience. We are both in a very difficult position as we live in 2 different countries and one of us is going to have to eventually move. We both have things tying us to where we are. It's so hard as we both love each other so much. I just don't know why when you finally are happy, in love, why there still has to be so many obstacles. I want to be with him so much. I miss him terribly and i miss his cuddles. Hes a pretty special guy to me. It's just different with him. It feels more permanent. I just hope the distance doesn't ruin it a for us. I think if we can survive a phyco friend trying to tear us apart we can survive this. I hope :)

Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Weird night and Relationships

It's such a weird night.. A while back just after I finished writing the other blog my friend texted me telling me his dad died tonight. He was battling cancer, the same as my dads 5 years ago. Even though I've been in that position, I just didn't know what to say. Everyone always say they are sorry for your loss etc, And they are.. But it just becomes monotonous - robotic, after a while. You're already numb so you don't even notice.

I feel so restless tonight. I'm tired but my head is whirring like crazy. I just feel strange. I feel like I'm not here or something. It feels like I'm dead but im a spirit. I am here but im not. I'm remembering things but im not so sure they are my memories. I don't feel like me. It feels like I don't exist or like I've been taken out of my body for a break.

A cosmic timeout.

A distant thought in my brain is telling me to brace myself for something that's going to happen, I don't know what that is but it doesn't feel to good. It's not like serious trouble like the law or anything. More personal. But what I don't know.

'Hello, I love you won't you tell me your name'

I haven't achieved much in my life. I sometimes think I am a disappointment to my parents. They always wanted me to do my best. I was the first in my family to stay on in school and go to college. I did really well in both school and more do in college. I graduated in distinction from doing first a portfolio year, then fine art, i was awarded student of the year. I was offered loads of college places for master degree courses. I didn't continue on. I fell in love.

I moved out with him and we set up home together. Through that time in my early 20s, the experiences I had, the travelling I went on, discovering new things I wouldn't change any of it. I am who I am because of it. When i was younger I was so full of self doubt.. I was depressed and covered it all up . I was the 'funny,' one I was always laughing and smiling and pretending everything was fine But inside I felt like dying. It became a huge strain for me. A lot of time I kept so much in. This had nothing to do with my then boyfriend. It was just me. I hate large crowds and am generally a quiet person. I'm quite shy meeting people and worry way to much about what they really think of me.

I have a really sweet caring boyfriend now. I truly love him so, so much. Hes made me so happy. We have had our ups and downs but we get through it because it hurts us both when we fight. It just doesn't feel right. To be honest i dont think I'm good enough for him. I always worry whether I really make him happy or he just feels sorry for me. I know I'm not the prettiest, hottest girl in the world. I don't have perfect skin or the perfect figure. I'm pretty average. I think I'm quite weird looking.  in my junior years in secondary school I was bullied by some girls in my class. They used to take my stuff, harass me to wind me up, call me weirdo and space girl. It's weird to think back on that. Cos the me now would verbally rip them apart. I could have them too but was crippled by shyness. It's just weird to think back on it. Like it wasn't me.

'hello darkness my old friend, ive come to talk to you again'

Such a weird mood. I'm kind of freaking out really. I really wish I had someone to talk to right now. I'm remembering some things from my childhood. Just good memories but with such a longing. I just feel broke. My fibromyalgia is really getting to me lately. I just don't know why I developed this. It just feels so unfair that i once had a really active life, I was co-managing an art and hobby shop. Everything was coming to together finally. Then I started to feel really tired all the time. Then a year later i busted up my leg pretty bad. Broke up with my then boyfriend and moved back to Dublin. Then was diagnosed with fibromyalgia last year. It's robbed so much out of my life. I hate it so much and I hate the anxiety attacks it creates. I hate the chronic pain. I hate the chronic fatigue. I hate meds. I hate the fact that i will have it for life. I hate the fact i cant be with Michael properly. I hate the 'alone' feeling this creates.

I wish michael was with me now . It just feels 'safe' when im with him. He's so amazing I just don't understand what he sees in me. I know it sounds crazy but sometimes I find myself thinking he's embarrassed by me. And it's really stupid but i sometimes get a bit upset that he never leaves little cute messages on my wall anymore. It's such a girly thing to say but little things like that are what gets through the day and make you smile when you suddenly remember it randomly through the day. Knowing that someone is there for you no matter what. I love been on a relationship. I love our own little private jokes. I love when i catch him looking at me and smiling to himself. It makes my stomach flip every time. I just don't get why I'm so scared im gonna lose it all. I just feel so scared tonight. It's irrational.

'maybe it's a wonderful world, but i cant feel it right now, thought that I was doing well but I just wanna cry now'

Oh brain I do wish you would shut up and let me sleep. I feel my normal self returning I am not going to read over what I just wrote and just publish it. Excuse any spelling mistakes :)

The weirdest mushroom trip I ever took...

Having a really weird moment at the minute. I suddenly feel like I'm in some sort of weird consciousness in my head and it's like I'm the last person on earth. I remember been on mushrooms once. I took quite a high dose of dryed shrooms one balmy spring day and went on the wildest trip of a lifetime. In the house I used to rent my room had a weird border going around on the walls. This started to shrink for me as I came up. I could feel the shrooms hitting and i was hurtling through psychedelic space at warp speed. The border became a blur as i felt myself getting thrown into space.

Suddenly I was in an egg shaped pod floating through space. The pod seemed to know where it was going. Though I was aware i could be in control if i wanted to be. I remember feeling a sense of panic rising in me. But my curiously got the better of me. I looked around and saw about 50 other pods all floating but we seemed so far apart too. I remember panicking a little cos my logical scientific geek mind was telling me this wasn't possible. But i knew i had to keep going. It was a huge battle of wills.

Suddenly I realised I could hear a voice'inside' my head but everyone could hear it. They too as mystified as me. Then our pods turned. We were facing the earth. A huge blue planet. We could see clouds we could see countries. We couldn't hear anything. Then it blew apart right from the middle then it exploded..

It was like all our consciousness, of all these pod people, we were all connected. (my theory was that in the 'real world' me and these other 49 people were all tripping at the same time and somehow ended up on the same psychedelic trip) We all feel abject terror at this happening but in a split second we realised we'd been saved for whatever bizarre reason. I still don't know who or why. It was a terrifying yet wondrous experience. I've never forgotten it. I've never forgotten the sheer emptiness I had, the utter loneliness I felt in that pod. I never want to feel that ever again. It was like for a few minutes everything, literally EVERYTHING taken away from you. You have nothing. It's the weirdest,most alienated feeling in the world.

But then realising you were floating about safe, thinking after the explosion for some reason you were saved. Not by a God or some other mythical creature, just like the universe saved you. Not following the 'norm' in life saved you. Been you, and not conforming to society saved you,. It is ok to be weird, a little odd, a little kooky.. You always are important to someone even when you think you're not.

I wish I could remember that sometimes...