Friday, 17 August 2012

My Poor Dead Computer

2 days ago my computer finally gave up and died. I named his inner workings Batman. My location was Gotham Crime lab. He cost me 500euro six years ago. It wasn't very expensive and didn't have a lot of memory but it did the job. I had only about 4months ago updated the memory but it was futile. I kinda knew he was on his way out.

It was already on its second power adaptor, the cd drive had rather inconveniently stopped working one day for no reason, I defragged it, I cleaned up my files I did everything to keep breathing life into it. But he was on his way out. I knew it. He knew it but neither of us wanted to say it. We couldn't say goodbye.

He knew I was already looking around for a replacement. He saw my Internet history, and full of Alienware and graphics cards. But i have to move on. We had some good times. Like the time I accidentally opened some spam and an alarm went if on the computer. I nearly fell of my bed in fright, bashing buttons, panicking.. But he knew what to do and after a minute or so peace was restored.

The fruitless attempts I made trying to install Linux..it was nuts.. I could never get it to install nor install from a usb. It was crazy. The day I accidently installed CHROME, that was the day everything start going wrong. Chrome works fine in Linux. But not in windows. Batman became slower much slower. He was less superhero and more fat man in a desert running through peanut butter slow. It was hella irritating to keep freezing all the freaking time. I'd be on chat on facebook and it would just stop. I'd disconnect but still be there..

Then my wonderful amazing boyfriend did some of his jiggery pokerey on the computers jiggers (its internals, i started calling them jiggers,. I really don't know why ) and he improved it so much.. But even he patted me on the shoulder as i hugged batman one day after some intensive work and said 'its the best I can do, I don't know how long it will last' His eyes said 'soon'

Then 4 days ago or so, I noticed the screen getting dark and bright. I knew it couldn't be the plug because it was only new. A horrible feeling hit me. I knew Batman wasn't long for this world. I just didn't think it was going to be as quick as it was. Then 2days ago I went to put it on. Nothing.. I tried everything, but realistically I knew he was gone to the great big Megabyte heaven in the sky..

The next computer im getting though I want a good graphics card and tons of memory for gaming.. I used to play on the pc so much before. The graphics are just so much sexier and there are so many good games out there for pc's.. I remember getting particularly obsessed with Black and White and some Mafia game that the name escapes me right now. LOL it was so awesome I forget it's name.

So now I am without a computer for how long I don't know. It's a really inconvenient time too as I do have stuff I need to do and badly need a computer. For now I will have to make do with Internet cafes and it's creepy clientele.




Saturday, 4 August 2012

A Very Fibro Blog

So lately my Fibromyalgias been really taking its toll on me. The past few weeks Ive been in a haze of pain, exhaustion and new things to add to my growing list of symptoms..*feeble yay* A couple of weeks ago i was in town meeting some friends, or maybe i was shopping..actually i was i went on a retro game hunt..aaanyway, i wasn't feeling to great the few days beforehand and i was uncomfortably hot too.It was warm that day but it was like i had temperature.I know i looked like death warmed up too but i needed to get out of the house cos i was going crazy sitting in. I was walking along Bachelor's Walk, i was feeling a bit dizzy but not in a normal way.I have this thing where if i turn to quickly i get disorientated and feel sick.I dunno maybe its vertigo or something but a lot of people with Fibro have this too so I'm not sure. But suddenly i found myself on the ground.I fell really badly only i didn't fall. It was like my whole body suddenly had no energy and i collapsed.

I wasn't able to get up for a few minutes and people just stepped over me.While one person just stared at me.I was getting embarrassed as every time i tried to get up i couldn't.I started to panic .I had a couple of years before dislocated my knee and i thought i did the same thing again. Luckily that wasn't the case, I did smash my knee pretty bad and fell on the back of my wrists.Luckily they too were just sore for a few days and not broke or sprained. It really freaked me out when it happened but it hasn't happened since. Ill just have to be careful for a while.

My meds have been halved to 30mg now instead of 60mg but I'm in a constant state of pain varying from just about manageable to pure agony. A lot of it is in my upper body .My arms,wrists,neck and shoulders mostly.It is giving me horrible painful headaches .My sternum used to only pain me from time to time but that too is now nearly all the time. I'm trying to be as positive as i can but its so hard. When your body feels like its on fire all the time ,like i have sunburn on the inside its horrible. It makes me very depressed and I'm constantly wondering what the hell am i here for?..

I was recently very angry about all this , i guess i still am.That's why i think I'm writing this i just feel frustrated and need to vent . I want my old life back.I want the old Tracey back. I hate feeling so down, so tired, I'm sick of the pain, its hard to get up sometimes. I hate the fact its so hard to exercise and i know before when i felt pent up or agitated if i couldn't relieve it with sex lol ;) id go for a cycle, a jog or a long walk. Ive always been a bit of an exercise junkie. I hated P.E in school cos we didn't play enough hockey or Basketball for my liking lol.. Ive never been a 'runner' as such. I look odd when i run like a mental bird trying to take off or something so when we had to do laps i hated P.E  but in my personal life i skateboarded,mountain biked, roller bladed,played basketball, i preferred more extreme sports. The fact that i cant exercise that much, go to the gym like i did kills me.

I hate the fact that i feel so down all the time.Well not ALL the time but it feels like it. I have a very patient understanding boyfriend in all fairness and i hate the fact i take stuff out on him. I feel like I'm forever apologising to him. I know he understands buts that's still no reason. He was over recently with me and i loved every minute of it. He really surprised me on our one year anniversary with a gorgeous teddy and chocolates. It was so unexpected and lovely. Unfortunately i didn't feel too well on some of the days. That sort of thing frustrates me.

 Ive been promising my nephew and 2 nieces  that i would go visit them since last xmas but i genuinely havent had the energy to go over to the West of Ireland .I sincerely hoping i can in the next week or so.I miss them terrible and want to spend a bit of time with them.I'm sorry guys , i love you lots xx

My sleep has been off the charts ridiculous.I am some nights so exhausted i cant sleep.I find myself at 4.30 in the morning crying in frustration then sleeping till 2 pm the next day cos i only drop of at 7am. I don't know up from down at the minute. I'm hoping to see a dietitian soon too to sort out a new diet for myself. I generally eat healthy.I always buy organic and fresh when i can.I rarely eat meat,no red meat at all, mostly just drink water, i don't drink or smoke tobacco, in fact I'm the healthiest unwell person i know.

I am so forgetful lately,Its frustrating.I swear my friend told me to check something out online earlier. He only just told me and i forgot 2 minutes later.I was to embarrassed to ask him what it was again. A recent study into fibro has also indicates most sufferers suffer from number problems , dxslecia (i know its spelt wrong lol), learning difficulties, ADHD etc..This would explain a lot for me.Ive always had trouble with figures.I was terrible in maths when i was in school.Like TERRIBLE. the highest mark i ever got in a test was 24percent.I was getting A's and B's in everything else, (i could remember complex biology names,every city in the world, artists life history's, whole parts of novels and plays and poems of by heart, i was a sponge..Now i forget what i went to tesco for..) I could never understand math problems.The teacher would only be finished explaining it and id be like....??? but even though this was before fibro, the past few months that got so much worse. I am a bookworm.I read so much, bit lately its been hard.My concentration is shot. I find it hard to play to cos my arms kill me and my wrists hurt.

I over think so much to the point it depresses me. Fibro Fog is a dozy hazey nightmare too..Gaming is good cos i find it hard to concentrate on more than one thing.If  i play a game I'm just concentrating purely on that and it de-stresses me. But as i said that's becoming kinda harder lately. Music helps so much too.I love finding new bands or just spending all day listening to the music that makes me feel good, feel better. Currently Marilyn Manson is on lol..hmmm. I was a rocker before, more of a goth lol..then a Nu metaller then i discovered led zeppelin, the who, all kinds of Psychedelic music of the 60s..this also occured in my introduction to pot days too lol ..My 20s were a haze of smoke and mushrooms ...good times

That's why Ive been so angry.Its taken everything i love doing away or partially away.I find it hard to hold a pencil sometimes so even my number one stress beater, Drawing and painting' can be out of the question. I do have a great family and friends and of course Michael around me so i know Im lucky. Its just frustrating for me cos i hate been 'sick' I know people 'know' But i guess I'm just saying that when I'm quiet or not very happy i cant help it right now. It doesn't mean i don't appreciate you. Sometimes i need to talk to you and sometimes i don't want to talk..but if i do ,just listen to me, make a bit of time to really listen . I don't want to be like this.I find it hard enough without over thinking that Ive upset someone. My meds take the edge of.just about. But cannabis is my real medication.Without it i think i would be in a padded room right now. Hmm theres another blog idea.My experience with cannabis and Fibro and chronic fatigue. ;)

Anyway i think that's all my venting done .A rather bad ending to a blog but my concentration has now slipped yet again as i erupt in pain.I need to go rub gel in take paracetamol and hope that this headache goes soon..

Peace out Space freaks xxx