Thursday, 21 June 2012

My Say,.once and for all

So I'm writing this blog to pretty much, put to bed an issue that has been going on in my life for quite sometime now. I honestly don't know how long this will be so bear with me.To be honest i don't really care what most people think because at the end of all this the people who know me know the truth. Real friends will still be there and people who are just dragged into this because of this particular person can make up they're own minds. Nothing i am about to say is exaggerated or a work of fiction.This happened and I'm going to have my say once and for all.

So recently a person who was in my life turned out to be the most toxic nasty person Ive ever has the displeasure to meet. This was a friend, best friend of my boyfriend,Michael. From the time we got together she bizarrely tried to turn me off Michael.At first i put this down to a friend trying to protect and look out for a friend. I quickly learnt that this was par for the course.And so followed months of her telling me things about Michael,  'letting slip' things about his past, things that i felt Michael should have told me if he wanted to, not her. Me and Michael would fight over various things because of her. All while she told me things and inflamed matters. Luckily myself and Michael are quite level headed and rarely fight for long. We sort things out pretty quickly. All of our fights were orchestrated by her. Myself and Michael have never had a fight because one of us has started it and that's the truth.

In the beginning she kept saying to me 'you really don't know Michael' and 'he isn't perfect you know' and 'when you get to know him, you'll see what i see' I often felt like telling her to fuck off but to keep the peace i humoured her.This was a big mistake on my part and id come to regret it. I don't like fighting with people, and rarely do. It takes a lot to get my back up but this time ,i am furious. After a year of this bullshit Ive been pushed too far.

They always fought, the two of them.Most times, nearly always (sometimes Michael would) she would just blow something tiny into a huge argument that would go on for days and id get dragged in all the time. Not by Michael but by her. I would get it in the ear about 'what a bad friend he was' and 'he was an asshole' and 'im better off without him in my life' ringing in my ears.Then after all that feeling sorry for herself nonsense, she would turn vicious and start telling me things about Michael, winding me up and twisting things. I would suddenly be her best friend and she was only telling me this cos 'she cared' At the time i couldn't help thinking that it was odd that your supposed best friend talks trash about you like this.Then after a time they would make up and she would then stab me in the back by telling Michael  something i had said and would twist what i was saying and we would fight. This happened a lot until Me and Michael copped on and stopped asking each other about things we were alleged to have said about one another.

Me and Michael met between Facebook and PS3 . So the first time we met each other was about 3 months after meeting due to various things in our life etc.I should also mention at this that she messaged him constantly on various IM's on the phone, and would get so mad if he didn't answer back immediately.Like fucking nuclear crazy. So you know most people would be like, oh they are meeting up for the first time, leave them be, let them get to know each other.But not her. The phone was just non stop buzzing.She did not stop messaging him.Even at one point Michael just said to the phone, oh fuck off would you and didn't look at the phone for a few hours.When he didn't he was like 'fucking hell 12 messages' all from her.I shit you not. Obsessive much? We talked a lot that night and eventually fell asleep both of us feeling the happiest we both had in a long time. The next morning we woke up and she had messaged him, really pissed of because he hadn't said goodnight to her. Read that again.I know its unbelievable but that's what happened. Que, nearly 4 hours of Michael glued to the phone because she started an argument over that. The first time we meet up and she goes crazy cos he didn't say goodnight. Not thinking oh ill leave them for the few days and ill talk to him after that.Nope , baby wanted all the attention.

I could see a jealous streak emerging here and anytime myself and Michael arranged to spend time together she would start on one of us.The time Michael came to mine for a week , she sent me a 5 message text on Live profile on my phone telling  that she felt me and Michael play acted at been in a relationship and that we didn't really love each other, that it was all for show and really, would i not grow up. I read it and got so fucking angry.I just ignored it at first , then 5 hours later she sent me a message 'apologising' for what she had said. I remained very cool with her.I was so pissed off. I eventually told Michael what she had said but i didn't at the moment, want to ruin the time we had together. This went on all the time. She claimed she was never trying to break us up but i didn't see any of my friends running to Michael telling tales. Over time her jealousy at the fact i wasn't going anywhere  was becoming really apparent. For the most part i tried to ignore it but a lot of the times it was so hard. I nearly broke up with Michael because it was so intense with her. I was always adamant to him that if she was in his life then that was that.I never once asked him to stop been friends with her.I never once told him to choose me over her. I told him that if he didn't want to be friends anymore  with her that was his decision and i was not going to tell him what to do. Yet she is vilifying me to people in her life and to mutual friends of ours purely ,it seems because i deleted her once and for all.

Basically Michael and herself fell out over something.Michael ,after really been pushed to the limit thought fuck it ,i don't need this crap in my life told her he didn't want her as a friend anymore , deleted her off everything . He blocked her on face book and was done. I still had her as a friend cos to be honest i thought it would blow over as it did usually and they would be friends again. This didn't happen. She then start telling me that Michael was 'a toxic person , who twisted things ,lied and was decietful' that she questioned her own sanity because of him.Seriously, would you like an Oscar?  This person is the most toxic person who never admits when something is her fault,never apologises, seems to get off on other peoples problems, only ever comments on sad or depressing status' knows EXACTLY what she is doing, passive aggressive, makes you think that shes been your best friend when all she wants is info and then uses it against you. She is only happy when she is causing trouble.

A few weeks ago, i got a bit upset a Michael because i felt we hadn't spent a lot of time ,just the two of us and asked if we could just that night, be me and him.He said yeah of course and we started too.Then she came online and wanted in. Michael let her join in and i got really upset. I'm basically just breezing through the story really here cos I'm not going to go int it but the next day i told Michael why i was so upset and basically just told him everything.He was so sorry and was apologising so much to me and promised he'd make more time for us. Now i wasn't asking for every day of the week but as his girlfriend i am entitled to want him to myself lol.. I knew that this was going to cause trouble and is the reason why i never brought it up before. I told a couple of good friends about what was going on, and they all said how the fuck do you put up with her, doesn't she have a family,a husband, why is she so obsessed with Michael? They told me i was crazy to put up with it and i was.But i love Michael so i had to. but at this point i was getting pushed to far. They had had a fight previous to this and it was  a bad one.She told me all kinds of things she was going to do on Michael 'to get back at him' and i ,quite frankly thought, oh dear god, you are actually fucking crazy.

The night she joined our game, i was have been equally as pissed off if Michael had of let anyone else join.It was about us spending the evening together,no one else.For the first time in our relationship i thought fuck it, I'm going to have my say. That's all i wanted was a couple of nights alone together.But this did not sit with her at all.In fact she made a dig at me been on disability and Michael working partime, by saying 'i work a full time job and have kids, I'm not unemployed or work partime and can play around all day' I was so angry at that remark, i have worked since i was 15, i put myself though college and was only unemployed once in my life. I would rather have a job than live on benefits but i am unable to work at this moment in time. I'm a fucking grafter and i will turn my hand to any job. How fucking dare she insinuate otherwise.

Again i let it go, then she started all this nonsense about Michael again and i was starting to get pissed off. She told me a lot of shit about him and i often felt that her knowing that i have Fibromyalgia, which can make me feel pretty depressed and makes a sufferer over think too much,knew what buttons to press with me and used this to her advantage.If her and Michael had a fight it was easy to wind me up and take the spotlight of their argument.Fucking crazy isn't it.. He kept saying to me, just delete her, its not worth it.But i felt bad doing it cos even despite all that, i felt i didn't have a justifiable reason to delete her. That was until yesterday. Yesterday, Michael told me she created a fake face book account and added him. He copped pretty quickly it was her and was quite shocked and angry at the lengths she was going to. It really freaked him out.His reaction was enough for me and i got on and deleted her off everything.

Now shes on face book and telling all who will listen to her that i am unstable , i was jealous of their friendship and did all i could to break them apart, shes been telling people that I'm the one twisting things, I'm immature and threatened by her,and that we were using her as a scapegoat to cover up the patch's in our relationship?? Erm, hate to break your fucking bubble love, but there are no patch's in our relationship. You're the one using us as a scapegoat for your own insecurities.You twist and manipulate things to your own end. You used Michael and manipulated him ,blaming him for everything, making him apologise for your own craziness, Many people remarked to me that you seemed to be jealous of me and him and how they felt you were into him. Not far from the truth ,eh? I'm sure your husband would love to know what i know. You have a few dirty secrets of you're own don't forget, so don't push me.You fucked Michael over time and time again. Then made him feel like shit for your own madness. Michael isn't perfect,none is and id tell him that to his face, he has his faults, we all do but do you know what? At least me and Michael don't use each other, at least we don't fuck each other over.Michael is a good guy.He has a heart of gold and is one of the nicest guys Ive ever met.You wore his self esteem down. You hurt him , you hurt me.You piss him off , you piss me off.We have something good here and you cant stand it. You would rather blame me , tell everyone that I'm the villain here when you have been pushing Michael to breaking point for too long now. He always did what you wanted before, if you said jump he'd say how high. Then he started to get pissed off and you didn't like it, Suddenly he 'wasnt the guy you used to know' you ran telling tales to everyone about him when you got pissed at him for having an opinion.

I have certain mutual friends saying I'm immature, I'm a sick person, that he should have told me to back off,..What the fuck are you telling people about me? You are the psycho that made up a fake facebook account, you are the one who manipulates shit.Not me.I was a friend to you ,i tried my best to get along with you, but you made it so damn hard. You're only reason for all this 'blame' is because i deleted you.Pure and simple. Everything you are saying about me is a mirror of whats wrong with you.Not me.Wake up .And all this talk of 'evidence' that you have, is just the way your sick mind works. Real friends don't build up dossiers of supposed best friends and things they have done in the past.The very facet that you kept any emails or whatever is disturbing.Do you do that on everyone, so you can scroll back and use shit against them.I mean that's what you ARE doing right? cos quite frankly i don't know one other person who does that to that malicious extent.The only intention is to use it against someone and only someone quite demented would do that quite frankly.I may be sick in my physically but at least i am not sick in the head.You really need help.

I am saying no more on this matter as the purpose of this blog was to put my side across and tell people the truth before you twist things any further. I am saying no more on this matter again.

Thursday, 7 June 2012

Atheists V the Crazies

So yesterday myself and Michael were unfriended on facebook by one of his friends who told him that the pictures on his wall, various poking fun at religious people/things etc offended her. A couple of other people put their opinions across too, some sat on the fence others joined with her opinion. I simply saw an attack on my boyfriend because he is atheist and believes in Science and fact and put, quite frankly, really amusing pictures up. Like many many other i don't get offended by this or by anything people poke fun at what i believe in.What i did say however, was something along the lines of all you have to do is simply unsubscribe to his notifications on facebook , check in yourself every now and then, simply if you don't like what you see you can control it.. to which people said if were offended its enough reason to take them down been friends etc. Fair point. But what you are asking someone to do is suppress themselves and who they are..erm didn't all manner of religions, Jewish christian Muslim etc, have to flee persecution..My my how soon we I pointed this out naturally and essentially pushing a good friend out of your life.. Which is exactly what this person did unfortunately. Shame, as i quite liked her.Also funny as she only said to me 4 days before, that she is open to everything and nothing shocks or offends her..except this obviously.But hey, i wish her the best and her two beautiful kids.

I don't know if id consider myself an atheist as i do believe in the spirit world just not in a religious sense. I have seen spirits .I have seen ghosts. As a previous blog explains ,Ive had many paranormal encounters. I cant turn around and say i don't believe.I was privileged to see what i did and i know there is life after death. So i cant call myself an atheist as they dismiss all notions of spirit and the paranormal. I guess id consider myself a Pagan. My ancestors were pagan until upon punishment of death they were forced to accept Christianity. Nice, huh? Accept God into you're life or well rape and stab your child in front of you..'Oh yes let me immediately take this 'God' into my life for he is all forgiving and loves me......but not enough just to leave me and my family alone'

Ive had so many arguments about religion with people on forums and face book. I'm always quite passive. I never go to bully anyone, neither does Michael for that matter, but i will put my point across. I haven't accepted Religion into my life since i was 7. I always up to that point thought the bible was just a storybook and always remember the day when Fr Paul came into our class as a routine, hey I'm your friendly neighbourhood priest just dropping in, been cool...said that it was all true..i started laughing..then realised he was been serious and laughed even harder. Now as a 7 year old i could see through this crap. Then to go onto a forum and some redneck Southerner or Holy Joe telling me that Yes in fact, the Arc was real, Noah did save all those animals, God put dinosaur fossils down to 'test us', its cool to sacrifice your kids like...whatever his name is ,did, the persecution of Sodom and Gomorrah, seas parting, Resurrections, Immaculate Conception..the list goes on, but they all believe in it.Talking Snakes?? I mean come on give me a breaks.But they eat this shit up and would honestly say that they are have a mental disease . Its not cool for a kid to have an imaginary kid when they are 8 but its OK for a 45 year old man to believe in a talking snake?.. Yeah Logic

What i find offence though, is the abortion nuts. They will kill Doctors at abortion clinics, put offence , grotesque image on huge boards of aborted foetus's, scream shout and holler, yet i wonder if someone came up and said 'oh thank you for making me not go through with it , I'm now going to enjoy my new son who's going to turn out gay yay' Would they be so quick to save the kid?

Women in Nigeria been subjected to genital mutilation in the name of religion. Genocide, in the name of Religion. Wars in the name of religion. Honour killings in the name of religion. Refusing medical help because 'God will heal you' Kids from the 1930s up to now systematically getting raped by religion.. So tell me again whats so great and comforting about Religion.?

I have no problem whatever you believe in. As i keep reiterating to people.I don't find your religious beliefs offence..i find them stupid.But I'm not going to insult you in an argument the way you do me, I'm not going to shout you down. The world is big enough for us all to live in.Why are we fighting all the time when we should be uniting against the minority of idiots that go around blowing shit up, warping peoples minds, raping our children, creating huge cracks between the nations. I have many Muslim/catholic friends. I don't discriminate..but sadly some people do just like i found out the hard way yesterday.

Friday, 1 June 2012

Just a Pure Mad Rant

So to be honest im completely unsure how this blog is going to turn out. Ive had the day from hell today and need to vent. I haven't been really feeling right the past few days, as Ive mentioned before i have fibromylgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.Doctors cant tell me which is worse as the fibro has a debilitating fatigue affect too so guess i got all the luck ;) so yeah, over the past few days Ive been desperately struggling with my fatigue and its been driving me mad. Its funny, cos when i was able to work before, id get into my job, as an assistant manager in an art shop, wearily get the cash ready, check the books, sigh loudly and open the doors, thinking to myself, 'id love 2 months paid off' LOL just 2 months to do what the fuck i wanted ...then go back to work. Now 4 years into that thought I'm thinking, as i wearily drag myself out of bed, after waking up 1 hour previously,haphazardly throwing some clothes on, sighing loudly and open my bedroom door knowing full well in less than an hour ill be lying on that bed again, thinking 'id love to be going to work now'.. LOL be careful what you wish for.

So today, when i woke up, i woke up knowing i wasn't feeling good.I knew i was tired beyond reason, i knew i was in a foul humour..i stupidity took a tiny thing and blew it out of all proportion with my Michael , had a fight with him (even though i said ,I'm not trying to start a fight, but it clearly was a fight and i was just been crazy PMSing Tracey) over something totally stupid , me been all emo and moody making him feel like the worst boyfriend in the world when hes really the sweetest, most kindest most loving boyfriend any girl could ever want and he chooses to be with me even through all the crazy...I'm so sorry baby i love you sooooo much :)

So then i went off all grumbling at Michael, to the post office and then into town with the intentions of buying the new Sigur Ros album and either Max Payne 3 or Unchartered3 for my PS3, as for the first time in months i had a bit of spare cash and thought id treat myself to some cds and a game.. But 'grumbly' day was about to become a total fucking nightmare as i had gone into a supermarket in Talbot St in Dublin to buy myself a drink. When i got outside i hunkered down to adjust my bag and take out my bus fare..its one of those mad neurotic things i do *see previous neurotic blog *  when i stood up and there was a guy looming over me. He was clearly a junkie and i went to sidestep him. But he sidestepped me and i went to do it again, thinking we were just having that merry dance that happens when you play chicken with someone and see who moves first but you both move in the same direction and suddenly you become a ninja ballerinas as you both twirl around each other and walk off... But unfortunately that was not the case as he pulled a syringe on me and told me to walk with him, he had his filthy hand on my arm and walked me off , holding the needle in the other hand , ready, as we walked he told me to give him all my money or my life would be over..meaning by what the needle could be contaminated with.. I opened my wallet and he ripped all my money out.Then ran off. I kept walking totally in shock , totally on auto pilot until i got to the top of Talbot street. then realised what happened and the fact i was walking with my now empty wallet, at the opposite side of where i was supposed to be going, no HMV trip, no money..I just realised id been mugged. I went to the police station around the corner and filed a report . But theres hundreds of junkies in Dublin like anywhere..Even if he is caught , my money is gone but that's the least of it. The experience has just left me shattered and so low.

And in a weird way i feel sorry for any human that has to resort to those measures. Crazy.

Ive just spent most of the evening crying to be honest, locked in my room..I just cant physically deal with anyone right now and to choked up to talk. I know ill be OK. I know ill get over it. Just right now i fucking hate humanity and as always Justin Bieber..