Saturday, 22 December 2012

Games and consoles and junk...

The past few months Ive been mostly playing Resident Evil 5 and Borderlands. Both of which i never really played. I came to the party late. I have played Resi obviously on earlier consoles but never played 5. Then it was free on PSN so i got it and start playing it online with Michael. It became quite the obsession for weeks.Over that time we fished it on normal, then Veteran and are a good bit through Professional mode. I literally screamed at this game, particularly at Wesker. Hes definitely one of the hardest bosses Ive come up against. But man, did i have fun. Its kinda been a long time since i had a game i got really absorbed with. I mean, i get absorbed with call of duty, i cant remember how many hours Ive spent playing Call Of Duty but i remember thinking Woooah.. its a lot i know that much. But Resi i just was just itching to get back to it all the time. I had such a laugh playing it with Michael, i tend to get quite jumpy playing horror games.I'm such a girl with games like Resi and F.E.A.R.. i actually dropped my controller in fright a couple time and have jumped out of my skin with Resi.But i love the little Adrenalin rush you get playing these sort of games. Hearing Michael shriek 'what the fuck' when he gets attacked or something its the funniest thing ever.

I now have a new 500gb PlayStation and I'm loving it *don't sue me McDonalds* Its one of the new slimline ones.Its dangerously delicate.Instead of the sucky action of inserting the game mine has a slidey shelf.Now on one hand, this is perfect for lens cleaning etc without having to take it apart. But on the other its mad delicate.Definitely not a console if you have kids in the house. But mine stays under the desk. I will get my other one repaired next year at some point but I'm liking the fact i have 2 different designed PS3s. Its just the collector in me loves this and when i have the spare cash ill get the fat version.Its like art. Its a bit noisy console though.That's the only fault i have with it. Its quite noisy. My old one was nice and quiet. The old one is a 320gb and i still had loads of room on it. I only ever really keep the games i play the most and download something only when i want to play it. I cant understand people who want everything on the console. you always only get stuck into a game at a time. Its not I like to think of my downloads as a virtual collection, adding more and more each time.Its like a lucky dip going into you're downloads and seeing a game that you completely forgot about and fall in love again. Well in all fairness with my Fibro Fog every time i look at my games i think 'oooh crysis or ooh batman etc its like getting a new game every time.

But yeah, Borderlands has become one of most favourite games ever. The entire game Michael and i played it,i never enjoyed myself so much. Hours we spent playing it. I'm nearly Platinum with that game in my trophies. He already had the DLC for it so i got it myself and we flew through it all. I love clap traps revolution and the Island of Dr Ned most. Then the soppy fool surprised me by getting Borderlands 2. Hes an assassin and I'm the new Mechromancer mode. Its just been so much fun. I love when a game just takes you away from everything like that. I think the new monsters and creatures to fight are pretty awesome in 2 and i just love the cel shaded colouring of the game. I love Okami on PS2 for its graphics alone. Amazing watercolour graphics.

I could spend hours talking games.Its really my passion.I have a modest collection but i plan to expand when i can.Ive also got very specific in my collecting. The games that i really want i will pay that bit more for the game to be in full Copy In Display ,or CID for short. I will always pic up a few loose carts too when i go to RAGE in Dublin.50 quid would get you a bagful of cartridge games. I like the sheer randomness of liking the game art on a cart thinking it cant be that bad. Its always 50/50 lol but i just love games for the art and design on various consoles and PC's. from the Atari to PS3 I love the fact that so much work went into the artwork on an atari game to make it look exciting and crazy then you get a pixelated game. LOL its just history and childhoods right there.

Argos are selling a flashback console, Atari 2600 with 2 controllers and 60 inbuilt games. I have never wanted anything so much in my life. I have collections of Atari games but nothing beats using the button and stick and settling down for a night to find yourself still playing at 6am. I'm defiantly going to treat myself one night over Xmas just to play my retro consoles. Have a load of doobs rolled, cheesy snacks ready to go and a bottle of water and some Panzer Dragoon Twei and Mario Bros but mostly Luigi's Mansion

'marioooo oh Mario where are yoooou'

Anyway I'm just rambling really. I just had so much fun playing with Michael lately.I mean i always do lol but theres just certain games that were just awesome to play with him in those particular games. Its always a giggle with him.WE are currently working through Saints Row 3 and will be playing a surprise i got him for Xmas ;)

and to end here is a pic  ALF

Saturday, 27 October 2012

I Haz a Ramble


Sorry, I've spent an afternoon looking at LOLcats on I Haz Cheezburger and now i cant stop talking like that. I haven't been very well lately but am feeling a lot better now. I read today that Adolf Hitler was named Man of the Year in 1939 in Times magazine. I found that to be quite funny and here's some more..

Peanuts are an active ingredient in dynamite, the first fords had engines made by dodge,Armadillos can be house broken,Ants stretch when they wake up,slugs have 4 noses,elephants cant jump, giraffes use their 21in tongue to clean their ears and if you stretch the average slinky out flat it is 87 feet long.

So lately Ive been playing a lot of Resident Evil 5. I finished it the other day playing co-op with Michael and we are both now doing it on veteran. Same with Borderlands. We are just doing the DLC now.Such an awesome game. Why i didn't get it before i don't know. Now i really want borderlands 2. Its pretty cool to have someone to play co-op with.Makes it a bit more fun. I'm going to go play something in a bit now. My old TV blew while Michael was here, i do have a HD one but i needed this other one for my old consoles and light guns. My brother got me one though so i need to rearrange my 'game' corner. But I'm digressing my point is Ive been having crazy resident evil dreams and last night for the little sleep i got i dreamt i was in a borderlands style dream. This always happens when i play games a lot.I'm not sure if that's just me or not..probably not lol

oh god Windows 8 is on the way.Oh that reminds me. When Michael came over, he gave me an old tablet of his.A Windows one but had installed Ubuntu on it.I was so touched he went to all that effort of getting it to work for me. So when i eventually do get my laptop in a few months Ubuntu is going straight on it. I find it a much better OS to use and the amount of free shit in the stores etc is awesome. For something that is free, Microsoft could certainly learn a lesson from it. I love using it.

And i truly love my man :) Things have been never better and we've both made a couple of really important decisions in our relationship. Its really exciting :) Its really nice that no one is interfering anymore.

I also got a nice selection of gamecube games over the past few months and NIGHTS into dreams for the Saturn. Ive also just realised that on every system that its available on i have at least 2 Tony Hawks and Harry Potter games least..But i got Luigi's Mansion for my gamecube. I was delighted to have got it. Its one I've wanted a long time. Its so awesome.So funny the way he runs is comical. Its like he shit his pants.

All this talking of games has got me wanting to play so I'm going to leave it here for now lol. Most likely ill be back later for another blog to write.I'm in the mood for it. :)

Later Hippies *waves*

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Oh Hai

It's been a while,it's been a while. Im in bed at the moment.have been for most of the night. The past couple of days have been bad Fibro wise. I feel quite nauseous,have a nagging headache,pains in my fingers,sternum and arms. Thankfully the thoughts aren't there . Just good old fashioned pain and sheer exhaustion. Lol

Yep winter is fast approaching and it's going to be hell. Soon I have to go get a few jumpers to keep the bone chilling shivers I experience,a housecoat and really warm slippers for those days when I don't have much energy and stock up on some good books.

I've also recently had some amazing ideas for some artwork too that I'll be starting soon. Im also going to visit my nephew on Friday all going well. I haven't seen him for a while now so it'll be good to have a bit of craic with him. Lol hanging out on campus been irresponsible again is the plan for the night . I'll bring spray paint and write
                  'screw you Dean'
at the square professor who doesn't know how to be young and hip and 'down with it'

(although the college has no deans. This is all in my head you see. I watch to many movies) 

I had a lot of fun last week as Michael was over for a week. It was so hard to say goodbye at the end :( Things are going so well between us lately. We have never been happier. We gave had a sad time a while back and we both were possibly a bit weird with eachother. I know I for one, reacted badly to it and pushed him away but I'm also happy that we came out the other side,together and stronger than ever :)

Im really not feeling to good so im going to park it here.I do have a lot of geek talk coming soon I think. There's a few games I wanna talk about lol..Largo Winch im coming for you bitch! Till then......


Tuesday, 25 September 2012

It's 4am!

So i noticed that this blog has very nearly hit 3000 views. That's really mind boggling to me. It's like, i cant believe so many people have read my insane warblings. I don't make a lot of sense most of the time but it's pretty cool that some people take an interest. So thanks to any one of you that keep coming back.

I had wanted to do a blog for a long time but felt to self conscious to do one. I think Michael started to do one before I did but that's not the reason I started though some people think it was. Lol.. As if im one of those 'sheep' I've always found writing very therapeutic and this is one way of releasing steam.

I've had one of those days where I really tried to explain something to someone. It just came out really wrong and now my mind is completely in overdrive and i cant sleep. I just feel so bad. I pretty much fuck up everything in my life. I just don't know sometimes why I'm here sometimes. I'm just one of life's little fuck ups. I started of life as a 'little mistake' so it stands to reason :/

It's near 4.30 am. I have the most awful headache and can't sleep. I feel so tired too but it's like a vice grips on my head. I can feel the start of a fibro flare up. The weather has turned quite nasty here so my body is a bit messed up now. Sometimes I don't ever think I'll get used to having fibromyalgia. It must do wonders for my appearance as people often remark at how great I look and how they would never know i was ill lol

It's so windy out. I swear it's like haunting nearly. It's really comfy in bed though. I love been in bed when it's raining outside. It's so much better when there's someone to snuggle with but alas im alone.

I really should try sleeping again.

That's a rather abrupt ending to this blog. I'll try jazzy it up more.. Hmm let's see..

So its time for me to embark on a cognitive adventure through time and space. A time for my dopamine to be released and a time for many a wonderful creature and man to gallop through my psychedelic mind and pluck from its tree of knowledge

Yes.. That'll do pig!

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Long Distance Love

I've only had 2 real proper relationships. I was with my ex for nearly 8 years. We got together in our early 20s.i was just finishing college he was working in a train station . We met through my friend Ash. We hot it of straight away and after a couple of weeks we start seeing each other. Over the next few years we laughed, cried, grew together, experienced a lot of things together, good and bad. In the last couple of years we weren't getting on so great particularly in the last year. I guess really we both had outgrown the relationship. One day as we were talking I just kind of blurted out that I didn't think it was working. Then I couldn't stop talking. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. He moved away 6 weeks later. At the time i was heart broken. He was my best friend and suddenly he was gone. I found it weird been on my own after 8 years . you get so used to thinking for two. But we still remain friends which is a lot more than most people can say. Some people just can't understand how we can still be friends. But we never fucked eachother over. We never hurt eachother. We just simply grew apart and became more like friends. When we do meet up which isn't often as he lives abroad, its like 2 mates having a laugh. In fact we get on so much better now we aren't romantically /sexually involved. It's kind of weird in a way that when I do hang out with him It's weird to think we were together. I know that seems a bit weird but i guess it's because we are so different now to the us back then. We would never get back together though. That's definitely not on the cards but it's nice to still have the friendship at the end of it all.

I had a disastrous rebound after that. I won't go into too much detail cos it's a bit personal but man, I ended up with basically a man child. So tied to his mother's apron strings it wasn't funny. He was so possessive and had a nasty streak. He would call me 4-5-6 times a day. If I didn't answer he'd go mental. Accusing me if all sorts. He'd text me, ring me all hours. He smothered me. He was such a child. So i ended that quickly.

Then I thought fuck it i dont want a relationship. I need to be on my own for a while. And I was for nearly a year. The rebound had fucked me up. It's true what they say about rebounds lol.. Just stay away. It took me a long time to get over what happened with rebound guy. But then I met Michael.

Sometimes in life you just meet someone that makes everything in life suddenly make sense. We've had our ups and downs but no matter what we've stuck by eachother. Hes a pretty amazing guy with so much patience. We are both in a very difficult position as we live in 2 different countries and one of us is going to have to eventually move. We both have things tying us to where we are. It's so hard as we both love each other so much. I just don't know why when you finally are happy, in love, why there still has to be so many obstacles. I want to be with him so much. I miss him terribly and i miss his cuddles. Hes a pretty special guy to me. It's just different with him. It feels more permanent. I just hope the distance doesn't ruin it a for us. I think if we can survive a phyco friend trying to tear us apart we can survive this. I hope :)

Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Weird night and Relationships

It's such a weird night.. A while back just after I finished writing the other blog my friend texted me telling me his dad died tonight. He was battling cancer, the same as my dads 5 years ago. Even though I've been in that position, I just didn't know what to say. Everyone always say they are sorry for your loss etc, And they are.. But it just becomes monotonous - robotic, after a while. You're already numb so you don't even notice.

I feel so restless tonight. I'm tired but my head is whirring like crazy. I just feel strange. I feel like I'm not here or something. It feels like I'm dead but im a spirit. I am here but im not. I'm remembering things but im not so sure they are my memories. I don't feel like me. It feels like I don't exist or like I've been taken out of my body for a break.

A cosmic timeout.

A distant thought in my brain is telling me to brace myself for something that's going to happen, I don't know what that is but it doesn't feel to good. It's not like serious trouble like the law or anything. More personal. But what I don't know.

'Hello, I love you won't you tell me your name'

I haven't achieved much in my life. I sometimes think I am a disappointment to my parents. They always wanted me to do my best. I was the first in my family to stay on in school and go to college. I did really well in both school and more do in college. I graduated in distinction from doing first a portfolio year, then fine art, i was awarded student of the year. I was offered loads of college places for master degree courses. I didn't continue on. I fell in love.

I moved out with him and we set up home together. Through that time in my early 20s, the experiences I had, the travelling I went on, discovering new things I wouldn't change any of it. I am who I am because of it. When i was younger I was so full of self doubt.. I was depressed and covered it all up . I was the 'funny,' one I was always laughing and smiling and pretending everything was fine But inside I felt like dying. It became a huge strain for me. A lot of time I kept so much in. This had nothing to do with my then boyfriend. It was just me. I hate large crowds and am generally a quiet person. I'm quite shy meeting people and worry way to much about what they really think of me.

I have a really sweet caring boyfriend now. I truly love him so, so much. Hes made me so happy. We have had our ups and downs but we get through it because it hurts us both when we fight. It just doesn't feel right. To be honest i dont think I'm good enough for him. I always worry whether I really make him happy or he just feels sorry for me. I know I'm not the prettiest, hottest girl in the world. I don't have perfect skin or the perfect figure. I'm pretty average. I think I'm quite weird looking.  in my junior years in secondary school I was bullied by some girls in my class. They used to take my stuff, harass me to wind me up, call me weirdo and space girl. It's weird to think back on that. Cos the me now would verbally rip them apart. I could have them too but was crippled by shyness. It's just weird to think back on it. Like it wasn't me.

'hello darkness my old friend, ive come to talk to you again'

Such a weird mood. I'm kind of freaking out really. I really wish I had someone to talk to right now. I'm remembering some things from my childhood. Just good memories but with such a longing. I just feel broke. My fibromyalgia is really getting to me lately. I just don't know why I developed this. It just feels so unfair that i once had a really active life, I was co-managing an art and hobby shop. Everything was coming to together finally. Then I started to feel really tired all the time. Then a year later i busted up my leg pretty bad. Broke up with my then boyfriend and moved back to Dublin. Then was diagnosed with fibromyalgia last year. It's robbed so much out of my life. I hate it so much and I hate the anxiety attacks it creates. I hate the chronic pain. I hate the chronic fatigue. I hate meds. I hate the fact that i will have it for life. I hate the fact i cant be with Michael properly. I hate the 'alone' feeling this creates.

I wish michael was with me now . It just feels 'safe' when im with him. He's so amazing I just don't understand what he sees in me. I know it sounds crazy but sometimes I find myself thinking he's embarrassed by me. And it's really stupid but i sometimes get a bit upset that he never leaves little cute messages on my wall anymore. It's such a girly thing to say but little things like that are what gets through the day and make you smile when you suddenly remember it randomly through the day. Knowing that someone is there for you no matter what. I love been on a relationship. I love our own little private jokes. I love when i catch him looking at me and smiling to himself. It makes my stomach flip every time. I just don't get why I'm so scared im gonna lose it all. I just feel so scared tonight. It's irrational.

'maybe it's a wonderful world, but i cant feel it right now, thought that I was doing well but I just wanna cry now'

Oh brain I do wish you would shut up and let me sleep. I feel my normal self returning I am not going to read over what I just wrote and just publish it. Excuse any spelling mistakes :)

The weirdest mushroom trip I ever took...

Having a really weird moment at the minute. I suddenly feel like I'm in some sort of weird consciousness in my head and it's like I'm the last person on earth. I remember been on mushrooms once. I took quite a high dose of dryed shrooms one balmy spring day and went on the wildest trip of a lifetime. In the house I used to rent my room had a weird border going around on the walls. This started to shrink for me as I came up. I could feel the shrooms hitting and i was hurtling through psychedelic space at warp speed. The border became a blur as i felt myself getting thrown into space.

Suddenly I was in an egg shaped pod floating through space. The pod seemed to know where it was going. Though I was aware i could be in control if i wanted to be. I remember feeling a sense of panic rising in me. But my curiously got the better of me. I looked around and saw about 50 other pods all floating but we seemed so far apart too. I remember panicking a little cos my logical scientific geek mind was telling me this wasn't possible. But i knew i had to keep going. It was a huge battle of wills.

Suddenly I realised I could hear a voice'inside' my head but everyone could hear it. They too as mystified as me. Then our pods turned. We were facing the earth. A huge blue planet. We could see clouds we could see countries. We couldn't hear anything. Then it blew apart right from the middle then it exploded..

It was like all our consciousness, of all these pod people, we were all connected. (my theory was that in the 'real world' me and these other 49 people were all tripping at the same time and somehow ended up on the same psychedelic trip) We all feel abject terror at this happening but in a split second we realised we'd been saved for whatever bizarre reason. I still don't know who or why. It was a terrifying yet wondrous experience. I've never forgotten it. I've never forgotten the sheer emptiness I had, the utter loneliness I felt in that pod. I never want to feel that ever again. It was like for a few minutes everything, literally EVERYTHING taken away from you. You have nothing. It's the weirdest,most alienated feeling in the world.

But then realising you were floating about safe, thinking after the explosion for some reason you were saved. Not by a God or some other mythical creature, just like the universe saved you. Not following the 'norm' in life saved you. Been you, and not conforming to society saved you,. It is ok to be weird, a little odd, a little kooky.. You always are important to someone even when you think you're not.

I wish I could remember that sometimes...

Friday, 17 August 2012

My Poor Dead Computer

2 days ago my computer finally gave up and died. I named his inner workings Batman. My location was Gotham Crime lab. He cost me 500euro six years ago. It wasn't very expensive and didn't have a lot of memory but it did the job. I had only about 4months ago updated the memory but it was futile. I kinda knew he was on his way out.

It was already on its second power adaptor, the cd drive had rather inconveniently stopped working one day for no reason, I defragged it, I cleaned up my files I did everything to keep breathing life into it. But he was on his way out. I knew it. He knew it but neither of us wanted to say it. We couldn't say goodbye.

He knew I was already looking around for a replacement. He saw my Internet history, and full of Alienware and graphics cards. But i have to move on. We had some good times. Like the time I accidentally opened some spam and an alarm went if on the computer. I nearly fell of my bed in fright, bashing buttons, panicking.. But he knew what to do and after a minute or so peace was restored.

The fruitless attempts I made trying to install was nuts.. I could never get it to install nor install from a usb. It was crazy. The day I accidently installed CHROME, that was the day everything start going wrong. Chrome works fine in Linux. But not in windows. Batman became slower much slower. He was less superhero and more fat man in a desert running through peanut butter slow. It was hella irritating to keep freezing all the freaking time. I'd be on chat on facebook and it would just stop. I'd disconnect but still be there..

Then my wonderful amazing boyfriend did some of his jiggery pokerey on the computers jiggers (its internals, i started calling them jiggers,. I really don't know why ) and he improved it so much.. But even he patted me on the shoulder as i hugged batman one day after some intensive work and said 'its the best I can do, I don't know how long it will last' His eyes said 'soon'

Then 4 days ago or so, I noticed the screen getting dark and bright. I knew it couldn't be the plug because it was only new. A horrible feeling hit me. I knew Batman wasn't long for this world. I just didn't think it was going to be as quick as it was. Then 2days ago I went to put it on. Nothing.. I tried everything, but realistically I knew he was gone to the great big Megabyte heaven in the sky..

The next computer im getting though I want a good graphics card and tons of memory for gaming.. I used to play on the pc so much before. The graphics are just so much sexier and there are so many good games out there for pc's.. I remember getting particularly obsessed with Black and White and some Mafia game that the name escapes me right now. LOL it was so awesome I forget it's name.

So now I am without a computer for how long I don't know. It's a really inconvenient time too as I do have stuff I need to do and badly need a computer. For now I will have to make do with Internet cafes and it's creepy clientele.

Saturday, 4 August 2012

A Very Fibro Blog

So lately my Fibromyalgias been really taking its toll on me. The past few weeks Ive been in a haze of pain, exhaustion and new things to add to my growing list of symptoms..*feeble yay* A couple of weeks ago i was in town meeting some friends, or maybe i was shopping..actually i was i went on a retro game hunt..aaanyway, i wasn't feeling to great the few days beforehand and i was uncomfortably hot too.It was warm that day but it was like i had temperature.I know i looked like death warmed up too but i needed to get out of the house cos i was going crazy sitting in. I was walking along Bachelor's Walk, i was feeling a bit dizzy but not in a normal way.I have this thing where if i turn to quickly i get disorientated and feel sick.I dunno maybe its vertigo or something but a lot of people with Fibro have this too so I'm not sure. But suddenly i found myself on the ground.I fell really badly only i didn't fall. It was like my whole body suddenly had no energy and i collapsed.

I wasn't able to get up for a few minutes and people just stepped over me.While one person just stared at me.I was getting embarrassed as every time i tried to get up i couldn't.I started to panic .I had a couple of years before dislocated my knee and i thought i did the same thing again. Luckily that wasn't the case, I did smash my knee pretty bad and fell on the back of my wrists.Luckily they too were just sore for a few days and not broke or sprained. It really freaked me out when it happened but it hasn't happened since. Ill just have to be careful for a while.

My meds have been halved to 30mg now instead of 60mg but I'm in a constant state of pain varying from just about manageable to pure agony. A lot of it is in my upper body .My arms,wrists,neck and shoulders mostly.It is giving me horrible painful headaches .My sternum used to only pain me from time to time but that too is now nearly all the time. I'm trying to be as positive as i can but its so hard. When your body feels like its on fire all the time ,like i have sunburn on the inside its horrible. It makes me very depressed and I'm constantly wondering what the hell am i here for?..

I was recently very angry about all this , i guess i still am.That's why i think I'm writing this i just feel frustrated and need to vent . I want my old life back.I want the old Tracey back. I hate feeling so down, so tired, I'm sick of the pain, its hard to get up sometimes. I hate the fact its so hard to exercise and i know before when i felt pent up or agitated if i couldn't relieve it with sex lol ;) id go for a cycle, a jog or a long walk. Ive always been a bit of an exercise junkie. I hated P.E in school cos we didn't play enough hockey or Basketball for my liking lol.. Ive never been a 'runner' as such. I look odd when i run like a mental bird trying to take off or something so when we had to do laps i hated P.E  but in my personal life i skateboarded,mountain biked, roller bladed,played basketball, i preferred more extreme sports. The fact that i cant exercise that much, go to the gym like i did kills me.

I hate the fact that i feel so down all the time.Well not ALL the time but it feels like it. I have a very patient understanding boyfriend in all fairness and i hate the fact i take stuff out on him. I feel like I'm forever apologising to him. I know he understands buts that's still no reason. He was over recently with me and i loved every minute of it. He really surprised me on our one year anniversary with a gorgeous teddy and chocolates. It was so unexpected and lovely. Unfortunately i didn't feel too well on some of the days. That sort of thing frustrates me.

 Ive been promising my nephew and 2 nieces  that i would go visit them since last xmas but i genuinely havent had the energy to go over to the West of Ireland .I sincerely hoping i can in the next week or so.I miss them terrible and want to spend a bit of time with them.I'm sorry guys , i love you lots xx

My sleep has been off the charts ridiculous.I am some nights so exhausted i cant sleep.I find myself at 4.30 in the morning crying in frustration then sleeping till 2 pm the next day cos i only drop of at 7am. I don't know up from down at the minute. I'm hoping to see a dietitian soon too to sort out a new diet for myself. I generally eat healthy.I always buy organic and fresh when i can.I rarely eat meat,no red meat at all, mostly just drink water, i don't drink or smoke tobacco, in fact I'm the healthiest unwell person i know.

I am so forgetful lately,Its frustrating.I swear my friend told me to check something out online earlier. He only just told me and i forgot 2 minutes later.I was to embarrassed to ask him what it was again. A recent study into fibro has also indicates most sufferers suffer from number problems , dxslecia (i know its spelt wrong lol), learning difficulties, ADHD etc..This would explain a lot for me.Ive always had trouble with figures.I was terrible in maths when i was in school.Like TERRIBLE. the highest mark i ever got in a test was 24percent.I was getting A's and B's in everything else, (i could remember complex biology names,every city in the world, artists life history's, whole parts of novels and plays and poems of by heart, i was a sponge..Now i forget what i went to tesco for..) I could never understand math problems.The teacher would only be finished explaining it and id be like....??? but even though this was before fibro, the past few months that got so much worse. I am a bookworm.I read so much, bit lately its been hard.My concentration is shot. I find it hard to play to cos my arms kill me and my wrists hurt.

I over think so much to the point it depresses me. Fibro Fog is a dozy hazey nightmare too..Gaming is good cos i find it hard to concentrate on more than one thing.If  i play a game I'm just concentrating purely on that and it de-stresses me. But as i said that's becoming kinda harder lately. Music helps so much too.I love finding new bands or just spending all day listening to the music that makes me feel good, feel better. Currently Marilyn Manson is on lol..hmmm. I was a rocker before, more of a goth lol..then a Nu metaller then i discovered led zeppelin, the who, all kinds of Psychedelic music of the 60s..this also occured in my introduction to pot days too lol ..My 20s were a haze of smoke and mushrooms ...good times

That's why Ive been so angry.Its taken everything i love doing away or partially away.I find it hard to hold a pencil sometimes so even my number one stress beater, Drawing and painting' can be out of the question. I do have a great family and friends and of course Michael around me so i know Im lucky. Its just frustrating for me cos i hate been 'sick' I know people 'know' But i guess I'm just saying that when I'm quiet or not very happy i cant help it right now. It doesn't mean i don't appreciate you. Sometimes i need to talk to you and sometimes i don't want to talk..but if i do ,just listen to me, make a bit of time to really listen . I don't want to be like this.I find it hard enough without over thinking that Ive upset someone. My meds take the edge of.just about. But cannabis is my real medication.Without it i think i would be in a padded room right now. Hmm theres another blog idea.My experience with cannabis and Fibro and chronic fatigue. ;)

Anyway i think that's all my venting done .A rather bad ending to a blog but my concentration has now slipped yet again as i erupt in pain.I need to go rub gel in take paracetamol and hope that this headache goes soon..

Peace out Space freaks xxx

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Im high again and heres some Randomness

So lately my life has been really stressful. As in aforementioned column, all that's been put to bed and life is a lot simpler now. My recent posts haven't been much fun and whathaveyou but not this one..probably.

(Although I have somehow fucked my knee up too.The very one i dislocated. Its a bit worrying I  have pulled my hamstring :( I'm going to the doctor tomorrow as well.Thatll be fun,Its so painful to walk more than 10 minutes and my doctor is a half hour walk away)

In my head I'm funny but I'm well aware that doesn't often translate well into the Muggle world and people think I'm strange and 'odd' LOL  Odd is such an odd word.It conjours up images of a bald man with a simple cartoon face, gormless with a green tank top and brown trousers..and just like that i prove my 'odd' point lol

I'm also listening to Sigur Ros. A crazily fantastic band from Iceland.They've been together since 1994 i believe. But whats so fucking awesome about this band is that they sing in 'Vonlenska' a contrusted language without semantic meaning which is like the Icelandic language. You interept your own meaning to the songs and inside most of the album covers are blank pages .So you can write in what the song says to you.The music is hauntingly beautiful and the lead singers (Jon Por Birgisson ) voice is chilling. I highly recommend checking them out :) Here's a link to one of their most amazing songs..

Oooh i have gourmet Jelly Beans..sexual jelly beans..Ive never been a jellybean fan before, pointless lumps of braincell killing sugar i used to think..and still do of regular run of the mill jellybeans.But these ones, oh my nongod..they are so many flavours like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which brings me to another point but ill get back to that..theres blueberry, pina colada,English blackberry,popcorn,all the red fruits you can think of, coffee, it goes on and on.I love them. mmm excuse me while i grab them....

Ok back..ooh pear..ugh jesus Cinnamon..why do the fuck does Cinnamon exist? Its evil and wrong. Jesus but, these are Delicious jellybeans.. and Irish too ;) All the best things come out of Ireland and i can only apologise for U2, but its better that they are in the open than trying to contain Bonos huge ego.It threatens to blow the whole world up unless we allow him out every now and then..But Canada? whats your excuse? Celine Dion? *shakes head sadly*

Theres a sudden change in tone.My Cd's switched from Sigur Ros to Katy Perry lol..I have such weird taste in music.

I'm also aware I'm essentially talking to myself here. Oh and Michael's coming over next week.Thatll be fun on all sorts of mad levels. I love when were together, we have so much fun. We try to do everything in the time we have together lol..We cant see each other every day or every weekend so its so good when we are together, We will be together a year durning that week. I cant believe its been a year already. And in that year we haven't been to the cinema once lol but we will be this time. 2 seats back row, Mr Cinema Guy ;) He makes me laugh so much lol OK I'm on the verge of going all gooey and making you all sick now so ill stop ;)

But we are going to go on a retro game buying day too.That's always fun but even better with Michael .Hes like a kid when he steps into R.A.G.E in Dublin and quite frankly i don't blame him.I could spend hours in there fingering through the games.Sniffing the boxes..not really...much..OK i do it all the time.. But they also do vinyl and record players.I have come to a point in my life that i stop and think.. 'i really should start collecting vinyl' I have  one so far, a pretty much perfect Led Zeppelin double album.Extra long versions of the songs and stuff.. Led Zeppelin are awesome!

Says 'she who is listening to Katy Perry'

Oh i was supposed to go into my Charlie and the chocolate factory rant but ill do it another time. Im ready to crash out and am seeing two keyboards now time to lie down methinks lol

Goodnight and many the moon gods brings us prosper and peace ...and stuff xx

Thursday, 21 June 2012

My Say,.once and for all

So I'm writing this blog to pretty much, put to bed an issue that has been going on in my life for quite sometime now. I honestly don't know how long this will be so bear with me.To be honest i don't really care what most people think because at the end of all this the people who know me know the truth. Real friends will still be there and people who are just dragged into this because of this particular person can make up they're own minds. Nothing i am about to say is exaggerated or a work of fiction.This happened and I'm going to have my say once and for all.

So recently a person who was in my life turned out to be the most toxic nasty person Ive ever has the displeasure to meet. This was a friend, best friend of my boyfriend,Michael. From the time we got together she bizarrely tried to turn me off Michael.At first i put this down to a friend trying to protect and look out for a friend. I quickly learnt that this was par for the course.And so followed months of her telling me things about Michael,  'letting slip' things about his past, things that i felt Michael should have told me if he wanted to, not her. Me and Michael would fight over various things because of her. All while she told me things and inflamed matters. Luckily myself and Michael are quite level headed and rarely fight for long. We sort things out pretty quickly. All of our fights were orchestrated by her. Myself and Michael have never had a fight because one of us has started it and that's the truth.

In the beginning she kept saying to me 'you really don't know Michael' and 'he isn't perfect you know' and 'when you get to know him, you'll see what i see' I often felt like telling her to fuck off but to keep the peace i humoured her.This was a big mistake on my part and id come to regret it. I don't like fighting with people, and rarely do. It takes a lot to get my back up but this time ,i am furious. After a year of this bullshit Ive been pushed too far.

They always fought, the two of them.Most times, nearly always (sometimes Michael would) she would just blow something tiny into a huge argument that would go on for days and id get dragged in all the time. Not by Michael but by her. I would get it in the ear about 'what a bad friend he was' and 'he was an asshole' and 'im better off without him in my life' ringing in my ears.Then after all that feeling sorry for herself nonsense, she would turn vicious and start telling me things about Michael, winding me up and twisting things. I would suddenly be her best friend and she was only telling me this cos 'she cared' At the time i couldn't help thinking that it was odd that your supposed best friend talks trash about you like this.Then after a time they would make up and she would then stab me in the back by telling Michael  something i had said and would twist what i was saying and we would fight. This happened a lot until Me and Michael copped on and stopped asking each other about things we were alleged to have said about one another.

Me and Michael met between Facebook and PS3 . So the first time we met each other was about 3 months after meeting due to various things in our life etc.I should also mention at this that she messaged him constantly on various IM's on the phone, and would get so mad if he didn't answer back immediately.Like fucking nuclear crazy. So you know most people would be like, oh they are meeting up for the first time, leave them be, let them get to know each other.But not her. The phone was just non stop buzzing.She did not stop messaging him.Even at one point Michael just said to the phone, oh fuck off would you and didn't look at the phone for a few hours.When he didn't he was like 'fucking hell 12 messages' all from her.I shit you not. Obsessive much? We talked a lot that night and eventually fell asleep both of us feeling the happiest we both had in a long time. The next morning we woke up and she had messaged him, really pissed of because he hadn't said goodnight to her. Read that again.I know its unbelievable but that's what happened. Que, nearly 4 hours of Michael glued to the phone because she started an argument over that. The first time we meet up and she goes crazy cos he didn't say goodnight. Not thinking oh ill leave them for the few days and ill talk to him after that.Nope , baby wanted all the attention.

I could see a jealous streak emerging here and anytime myself and Michael arranged to spend time together she would start on one of us.The time Michael came to mine for a week , she sent me a 5 message text on Live profile on my phone telling  that she felt me and Michael play acted at been in a relationship and that we didn't really love each other, that it was all for show and really, would i not grow up. I read it and got so fucking angry.I just ignored it at first , then 5 hours later she sent me a message 'apologising' for what she had said. I remained very cool with her.I was so pissed off. I eventually told Michael what she had said but i didn't at the moment, want to ruin the time we had together. This went on all the time. She claimed she was never trying to break us up but i didn't see any of my friends running to Michael telling tales. Over time her jealousy at the fact i wasn't going anywhere  was becoming really apparent. For the most part i tried to ignore it but a lot of the times it was so hard. I nearly broke up with Michael because it was so intense with her. I was always adamant to him that if she was in his life then that was that.I never once asked him to stop been friends with her.I never once told him to choose me over her. I told him that if he didn't want to be friends anymore  with her that was his decision and i was not going to tell him what to do. Yet she is vilifying me to people in her life and to mutual friends of ours purely ,it seems because i deleted her once and for all.

Basically Michael and herself fell out over something.Michael ,after really been pushed to the limit thought fuck it ,i don't need this crap in my life told her he didn't want her as a friend anymore , deleted her off everything . He blocked her on face book and was done. I still had her as a friend cos to be honest i thought it would blow over as it did usually and they would be friends again. This didn't happen. She then start telling me that Michael was 'a toxic person , who twisted things ,lied and was decietful' that she questioned her own sanity because of him.Seriously, would you like an Oscar?  This person is the most toxic person who never admits when something is her fault,never apologises, seems to get off on other peoples problems, only ever comments on sad or depressing status' knows EXACTLY what she is doing, passive aggressive, makes you think that shes been your best friend when all she wants is info and then uses it against you. She is only happy when she is causing trouble.

A few weeks ago, i got a bit upset a Michael because i felt we hadn't spent a lot of time ,just the two of us and asked if we could just that night, be me and him.He said yeah of course and we started too.Then she came online and wanted in. Michael let her join in and i got really upset. I'm basically just breezing through the story really here cos I'm not going to go int it but the next day i told Michael why i was so upset and basically just told him everything.He was so sorry and was apologising so much to me and promised he'd make more time for us. Now i wasn't asking for every day of the week but as his girlfriend i am entitled to want him to myself lol.. I knew that this was going to cause trouble and is the reason why i never brought it up before. I told a couple of good friends about what was going on, and they all said how the fuck do you put up with her, doesn't she have a family,a husband, why is she so obsessed with Michael? They told me i was crazy to put up with it and i was.But i love Michael so i had to. but at this point i was getting pushed to far. They had had a fight previous to this and it was  a bad one.She told me all kinds of things she was going to do on Michael 'to get back at him' and i ,quite frankly thought, oh dear god, you are actually fucking crazy.

The night she joined our game, i was have been equally as pissed off if Michael had of let anyone else join.It was about us spending the evening together,no one else.For the first time in our relationship i thought fuck it, I'm going to have my say. That's all i wanted was a couple of nights alone together.But this did not sit with her at all.In fact she made a dig at me been on disability and Michael working partime, by saying 'i work a full time job and have kids, I'm not unemployed or work partime and can play around all day' I was so angry at that remark, i have worked since i was 15, i put myself though college and was only unemployed once in my life. I would rather have a job than live on benefits but i am unable to work at this moment in time. I'm a fucking grafter and i will turn my hand to any job. How fucking dare she insinuate otherwise.

Again i let it go, then she started all this nonsense about Michael again and i was starting to get pissed off. She told me a lot of shit about him and i often felt that her knowing that i have Fibromyalgia, which can make me feel pretty depressed and makes a sufferer over think too much,knew what buttons to press with me and used this to her advantage.If her and Michael had a fight it was easy to wind me up and take the spotlight of their argument.Fucking crazy isn't it.. He kept saying to me, just delete her, its not worth it.But i felt bad doing it cos even despite all that, i felt i didn't have a justifiable reason to delete her. That was until yesterday. Yesterday, Michael told me she created a fake face book account and added him. He copped pretty quickly it was her and was quite shocked and angry at the lengths she was going to. It really freaked him out.His reaction was enough for me and i got on and deleted her off everything.

Now shes on face book and telling all who will listen to her that i am unstable , i was jealous of their friendship and did all i could to break them apart, shes been telling people that I'm the one twisting things, I'm immature and threatened by her,and that we were using her as a scapegoat to cover up the patch's in our relationship?? Erm, hate to break your fucking bubble love, but there are no patch's in our relationship. You're the one using us as a scapegoat for your own insecurities.You twist and manipulate things to your own end. You used Michael and manipulated him ,blaming him for everything, making him apologise for your own craziness, Many people remarked to me that you seemed to be jealous of me and him and how they felt you were into him. Not far from the truth ,eh? I'm sure your husband would love to know what i know. You have a few dirty secrets of you're own don't forget, so don't push me.You fucked Michael over time and time again. Then made him feel like shit for your own madness. Michael isn't perfect,none is and id tell him that to his face, he has his faults, we all do but do you know what? At least me and Michael don't use each other, at least we don't fuck each other over.Michael is a good guy.He has a heart of gold and is one of the nicest guys Ive ever met.You wore his self esteem down. You hurt him , you hurt me.You piss him off , you piss me off.We have something good here and you cant stand it. You would rather blame me , tell everyone that I'm the villain here when you have been pushing Michael to breaking point for too long now. He always did what you wanted before, if you said jump he'd say how high. Then he started to get pissed off and you didn't like it, Suddenly he 'wasnt the guy you used to know' you ran telling tales to everyone about him when you got pissed at him for having an opinion.

I have certain mutual friends saying I'm immature, I'm a sick person, that he should have told me to back off,..What the fuck are you telling people about me? You are the psycho that made up a fake facebook account, you are the one who manipulates shit.Not me.I was a friend to you ,i tried my best to get along with you, but you made it so damn hard. You're only reason for all this 'blame' is because i deleted you.Pure and simple. Everything you are saying about me is a mirror of whats wrong with you.Not me.Wake up .And all this talk of 'evidence' that you have, is just the way your sick mind works. Real friends don't build up dossiers of supposed best friends and things they have done in the past.The very facet that you kept any emails or whatever is disturbing.Do you do that on everyone, so you can scroll back and use shit against them.I mean that's what you ARE doing right? cos quite frankly i don't know one other person who does that to that malicious extent.The only intention is to use it against someone and only someone quite demented would do that quite frankly.I may be sick in my physically but at least i am not sick in the head.You really need help.

I am saying no more on this matter as the purpose of this blog was to put my side across and tell people the truth before you twist things any further. I am saying no more on this matter again.

Thursday, 7 June 2012

Atheists V the Crazies

So yesterday myself and Michael were unfriended on facebook by one of his friends who told him that the pictures on his wall, various poking fun at religious people/things etc offended her. A couple of other people put their opinions across too, some sat on the fence others joined with her opinion. I simply saw an attack on my boyfriend because he is atheist and believes in Science and fact and put, quite frankly, really amusing pictures up. Like many many other i don't get offended by this or by anything people poke fun at what i believe in.What i did say however, was something along the lines of all you have to do is simply unsubscribe to his notifications on facebook , check in yourself every now and then, simply if you don't like what you see you can control it.. to which people said if were offended its enough reason to take them down been friends etc. Fair point. But what you are asking someone to do is suppress themselves and who they are..erm didn't all manner of religions, Jewish christian Muslim etc, have to flee persecution..My my how soon we I pointed this out naturally and essentially pushing a good friend out of your life.. Which is exactly what this person did unfortunately. Shame, as i quite liked her.Also funny as she only said to me 4 days before, that she is open to everything and nothing shocks or offends her..except this obviously.But hey, i wish her the best and her two beautiful kids.

I don't know if id consider myself an atheist as i do believe in the spirit world just not in a religious sense. I have seen spirits .I have seen ghosts. As a previous blog explains ,Ive had many paranormal encounters. I cant turn around and say i don't believe.I was privileged to see what i did and i know there is life after death. So i cant call myself an atheist as they dismiss all notions of spirit and the paranormal. I guess id consider myself a Pagan. My ancestors were pagan until upon punishment of death they were forced to accept Christianity. Nice, huh? Accept God into you're life or well rape and stab your child in front of you..'Oh yes let me immediately take this 'God' into my life for he is all forgiving and loves me......but not enough just to leave me and my family alone'

Ive had so many arguments about religion with people on forums and face book. I'm always quite passive. I never go to bully anyone, neither does Michael for that matter, but i will put my point across. I haven't accepted Religion into my life since i was 7. I always up to that point thought the bible was just a storybook and always remember the day when Fr Paul came into our class as a routine, hey I'm your friendly neighbourhood priest just dropping in, been cool...said that it was all true..i started laughing..then realised he was been serious and laughed even harder. Now as a 7 year old i could see through this crap. Then to go onto a forum and some redneck Southerner or Holy Joe telling me that Yes in fact, the Arc was real, Noah did save all those animals, God put dinosaur fossils down to 'test us', its cool to sacrifice your kids like...whatever his name is ,did, the persecution of Sodom and Gomorrah, seas parting, Resurrections, Immaculate Conception..the list goes on, but they all believe in it.Talking Snakes?? I mean come on give me a breaks.But they eat this shit up and would honestly say that they are have a mental disease . Its not cool for a kid to have an imaginary kid when they are 8 but its OK for a 45 year old man to believe in a talking snake?.. Yeah Logic

What i find offence though, is the abortion nuts. They will kill Doctors at abortion clinics, put offence , grotesque image on huge boards of aborted foetus's, scream shout and holler, yet i wonder if someone came up and said 'oh thank you for making me not go through with it , I'm now going to enjoy my new son who's going to turn out gay yay' Would they be so quick to save the kid?

Women in Nigeria been subjected to genital mutilation in the name of religion. Genocide, in the name of Religion. Wars in the name of religion. Honour killings in the name of religion. Refusing medical help because 'God will heal you' Kids from the 1930s up to now systematically getting raped by religion.. So tell me again whats so great and comforting about Religion.?

I have no problem whatever you believe in. As i keep reiterating to people.I don't find your religious beliefs offence..i find them stupid.But I'm not going to insult you in an argument the way you do me, I'm not going to shout you down. The world is big enough for us all to live in.Why are we fighting all the time when we should be uniting against the minority of idiots that go around blowing shit up, warping peoples minds, raping our children, creating huge cracks between the nations. I have many Muslim/catholic friends. I don't discriminate..but sadly some people do just like i found out the hard way yesterday.

Friday, 1 June 2012

Just a Pure Mad Rant

So to be honest im completely unsure how this blog is going to turn out. Ive had the day from hell today and need to vent. I haven't been really feeling right the past few days, as Ive mentioned before i have fibromylgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.Doctors cant tell me which is worse as the fibro has a debilitating fatigue affect too so guess i got all the luck ;) so yeah, over the past few days Ive been desperately struggling with my fatigue and its been driving me mad. Its funny, cos when i was able to work before, id get into my job, as an assistant manager in an art shop, wearily get the cash ready, check the books, sigh loudly and open the doors, thinking to myself, 'id love 2 months paid off' LOL just 2 months to do what the fuck i wanted ...then go back to work. Now 4 years into that thought I'm thinking, as i wearily drag myself out of bed, after waking up 1 hour previously,haphazardly throwing some clothes on, sighing loudly and open my bedroom door knowing full well in less than an hour ill be lying on that bed again, thinking 'id love to be going to work now'.. LOL be careful what you wish for.

So today, when i woke up, i woke up knowing i wasn't feeling good.I knew i was tired beyond reason, i knew i was in a foul humour..i stupidity took a tiny thing and blew it out of all proportion with my Michael , had a fight with him (even though i said ,I'm not trying to start a fight, but it clearly was a fight and i was just been crazy PMSing Tracey) over something totally stupid , me been all emo and moody making him feel like the worst boyfriend in the world when hes really the sweetest, most kindest most loving boyfriend any girl could ever want and he chooses to be with me even through all the crazy...I'm so sorry baby i love you sooooo much :)

So then i went off all grumbling at Michael, to the post office and then into town with the intentions of buying the new Sigur Ros album and either Max Payne 3 or Unchartered3 for my PS3, as for the first time in months i had a bit of spare cash and thought id treat myself to some cds and a game.. But 'grumbly' day was about to become a total fucking nightmare as i had gone into a supermarket in Talbot St in Dublin to buy myself a drink. When i got outside i hunkered down to adjust my bag and take out my bus fare..its one of those mad neurotic things i do *see previous neurotic blog *  when i stood up and there was a guy looming over me. He was clearly a junkie and i went to sidestep him. But he sidestepped me and i went to do it again, thinking we were just having that merry dance that happens when you play chicken with someone and see who moves first but you both move in the same direction and suddenly you become a ninja ballerinas as you both twirl around each other and walk off... But unfortunately that was not the case as he pulled a syringe on me and told me to walk with him, he had his filthy hand on my arm and walked me off , holding the needle in the other hand , ready, as we walked he told me to give him all my money or my life would be over..meaning by what the needle could be contaminated with.. I opened my wallet and he ripped all my money out.Then ran off. I kept walking totally in shock , totally on auto pilot until i got to the top of Talbot street. then realised what happened and the fact i was walking with my now empty wallet, at the opposite side of where i was supposed to be going, no HMV trip, no money..I just realised id been mugged. I went to the police station around the corner and filed a report . But theres hundreds of junkies in Dublin like anywhere..Even if he is caught , my money is gone but that's the least of it. The experience has just left me shattered and so low.

And in a weird way i feel sorry for any human that has to resort to those measures. Crazy.

Ive just spent most of the evening crying to be honest, locked in my room..I just cant physically deal with anyone right now and to choked up to talk. I know ill be OK. I know ill get over it. Just right now i fucking hate humanity and as always Justin Bieber..

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Things that go bump in the night!

So following a conversation i had with a friend of mine recently about spooky goings on, I had been telling her my own experiences and decided i should blog about it :) Basically all my life i have always felt or saw unexplainable things guess it was just normal for me but as i got older i realised not everyone could see or hear what i did. It was simple stuff like seeing shadows, hearing someone call my name, seeing a white 'vapour' in my room, smelling strange smells, just  'feeling' someone was watching me. When i was 15 i remember i had redecorated my room, the walls were blue and the wood was all lemon, i put all glow in the dark stars and planets around my room, had a new dark blue blind so the room would be pitch black as i slept. The first night my room was ready i settled down in my new bed and started to drift off all warm and cosy, when suddenly an icy cold breeze went by my face. I immediately sat bolt up in the bed and saw by the door, just a huge white light. I could get the smell of Guinness too really strong. It started to fade away and i was a bit spooked but nonetheless fell asleep.

This kind of thing happened all the time, Nothing ever freaked me out too much. After all only the living will harm you LOL... I used to think that, until i moved out for the first time.. I had moved in with my ex boyfriend into our first apartment. We had spent a couple of days unpacking and were just chilling out one night on the sofa. We had been away on holiday and had more or less just got back. We were just chatting when suddenly my CD player, which has 3 Cd's in it started to flip through the Cd's. Nothing unusual there..except it wasn't plugged in. It did this for about 2 minutes really violently. I felt a horrible chill go through me but my ex was warm.I was getting a bit freaked out and we moved into the bedroom. I lay down on my bed and almost straight away felt a pressure on top of me. We decided to go out for a bit of air as we were both pretty shaken by this. The apartment we had was in the basement of an old Georgian house.So as i climbed the stairs to go to the front door, my ex locked up .I looked to my right where the other stairs were and a chillingly feeling went down my spine.I saw a girl sitting there with her knees hunched up and her head resting on them. She had what looked like a nightdress on her, a long white one with a ruffle at the top. She turned to look at me but i as i looked away momentarily to see if he could see this, she disappeared. I just ran to the door and ran outside. We walked town for 2-3 hours terrified to go back but eventually we did and it was all calm and welcoming again. I still don't know what the hell all that was but we moved out a year later.

Another experience i had was in my sisters house, my Grandmothers old house. It was a few years after my grandparents had died. My sister was pregnant with her 2nd child, nearly due and i stayed over as her husband had to go away on a course. We were just chatting away then went to bed. I was sleeping in the small room.I got into bed and was facing out the window.I suddenly felt something sit on my bed. Expecting it to be my niece, after coming into my room, i looked at the reflection in the window and saw my dead grandmother sitting on the bed stroking my head smiling. It was nice to see but still freaky. I could see the blue dress we buried her in , her hair her smile. She stayed there for ages and i figure i must have fallen asleep. But my sisters 3 kids keep talking about a boy in the house and have seen my grandparents and Jamie often talks to himself as if having a conversation.

The 3rd experience i had was far creepier. I was living in a place in Ireland called Drogheda,. Its outside Dublin, a nice town to live in steeped in history, We had moved into our 2nd home there. It didn't take long for weird stuff to start happening. For the record i wasn't over enthused about moving into this place at the time but we had to.At the time the Celtic Tiger was roaring, money was been made and places were getting snapped up. It was a very dark house, wood panelling, dark stained. Just had a creepy feel to it. Weird things were happening like keys going missing, turning up in odd places, a phone that was on the kitchen table ended up on the couch, a cabinet door that WOULD be closed but you would walk in 5 minutes later and it was open again.. It was creepy. Then the bedroom i had was so dark and horrible. But one night i woke up.I suddenly woke up and i don't know why. I lay there and realised my heart was pounding and i was freezing despite it been so warm outside. I had hairs standing up at the back of my neck.. I don't know how but i sat up and looked at the end of my bed . There looming over us was an old man.Rage is the only way i can describe his look. He was not happy we were in his house. He glared and then faded away. I realised then we had a problem. This continued over months. We had a cranky old bastard who still thought he was alive and what were we doing in his house??? Through trying to communicate with him i discovered his name was Tom.This was actually verified by another neighbour a few days later when i casually asked about the history of the house. He refused to cooperate with me because i 'was a girl'. He had no time for 'foolish women' and only would talk to my ex. Who was then thrown into the whole thing without really wanting it. Everyone would remark on the awful atmosphere in the house and no one liked staying. It as so hard to live there and after a year we had enough.Enough of the tension, enough of the unexplained marks and scratches on our bodies, enough of 'losing' things and we moved somewhere new then for 3 almost peaceful years.LOL

Not all experinces aree horrible obviously. Ive seen my old dog running about, ive seen old cats i had, ive seen loved one happy and pain free.. Ive seen enough not to be afraid of dying.Its just the next step to a different phase of life. But i have been phychically attacked, and that is horrible. When someone is thinking so badly of you they send out a vibe, pretty much like a nasty little demon.Some people do this willingly and others dont know they are doing it.  But its like something draining your life away.Its like always feeling depressed, always tired waking up with scratches or unexplained bruises.This sort of thing happens when someone is insanely jealous of you or your relationship, your job or your sucess. Someone who obsesses over everything you do with sheer jealousy, ill will and badness.It attacks you and until you learn a few tricks to reflect it back and realise whos doing it, it will drain you. This has happened to me twice this year and a few times before. I am kind ofused to it and can deal with it fairly effectivly but some people cant. People need to be so careful about the thoughts they put out into the universe. They can be so damaging.

I do have more stories to tell but i think thats enough to be going on with for now. If there is any aspect to the paranormal you are interested in i can do a blog about it, no matter what it is. Comment below or PM me at and i will see what i can come up with :)

On a lighter note, i have a new facebook page here  Go give him a bit of love by liking the page :)
 Also while your there give this guy some love too ;)

So yeah, any aspect of the paranormal, comment below or messsage me and i will do a blog on it  :) Cheers

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Its 6am and im wide awake!

Oh hai, Good morning to you all. I trust you slept well. I haven't..slept at all. I'm wide awake and currently listening to Manu Chao on headphones cos everyone is asleep and to listen to Mr Chao on quiet is just unacceptable.

I'm also very very very high. Ive been smoking since 3pm yesterday.I'm smoking as i type I'm pretty sure ill crash later in EPIC fashion. I don't understand though, as usually smoking makes me sleepy after a time.But i .am.WIRED. Like giving a kid a 3 shots of espresso. .In my highest part of the night i freaked myself out thinking maybe i was a vampire but i realised that was ridiculous because i had a craving for garlic bread just at that very minute.

For some mad reason id love to take a walk in the mountains right now. I also need to learn the banjo.I want to duel with a Spanish man for the hand of Maria on top of a Spanish mountain , each banjo twang more furious than the last. Also the ukulele . That would be awesome to play,.Id go to Mexico and play my Ukulele to a sleepy but hot Mexican man as he trys to win the heart of Maria. As she coldly turns away from him because her stubbornness tells her she wants Juan but as i emerge from some Spanish arches slowly playing my Ukulele shell turn to Spanish man, lets say Carlos, and falls into his arms. But then a terrible misfortune happens and Carlos finds out Maria's wild heart cant be tamed and her legs wont close especially when he finds out..Maria has been sleeping with his half brother Manuel and is now pregnant but doesn't know who the father is. At this point i abandon the Ukulele in favour of the furious banjo twangs as the tension rises when Carlos' Uncle Francoise turns up with a dark secret.

Id love a croissant round about now. I'm so going to the supermarket when it opens. And getting like,  10 croissants and nutella.ooh or bacon. mm a croissant with cream cheese and bacon. I have the munchies bad.

So earlier today i go a ps2 game called Socom U.S Navy Seals. Fully intact. The box, the Manuel, the headset the game, obviously for a whopping 50cent. Ill have to go without food for a week to pay for that :D But as happy as i am to have gotten a bargain like that i cant help to wonder.Who owned it before me and what was there basic ear hygiene like? Now Michael told me 'im sure it'll be fine babe, just use it' and the logical side tells me hes right. But the neurotic side of me screams ear infections, crusty ears, waxy build could have been the case.Do i use the headset? DO I? Its a minefield out there in retro gaming collecting.A germ filled crusty eared minefield.

Hmmm, i know i was planning to write something specific on this blog but my mad rants have prevented that now.. That's rather annoying.Maddening in fact.

Ah well. I think ill stop here and let Monsters Of Folk spirit me away with their delightful tunes :)


Tuesday, 24 April 2012

A bit of a rant

 So ive had the weekend from hell this week. I had 3 sets of people fighting among themselves but coming to me about it. Im not going to name names or what the indiviudual fights were about but i will make a few points and if you were one of those people , dont take offense its my opinion and its nothing i didnt say at the time.

First of all, when people fight, you are angry at that person. Not the rest of the world. If you come to me for advice realise I'm not fighting with either 6 of you. i am not going to take sides. That other person hasn't done anything on me in certain situations so I'm not going to bad mouth them alongside you. If you listen to gossip or just get half truths from people without asking the individual themselves whats going on? then you are a moron. You claim to be best friends with him/her yet listen to someone you barely talk to and believe them. You build a whole story in your head first then somehow believe yourself and have the mother of all rows with all of you missing the point. Something that can be sorted in a matter of minutes , gets dragged out over 4 days and i get dragged in.

Now, i dont mind listening  and helping out a wee bit but do NOT ask me to join in , in the slagging off and trying to get me to choose sides. Its your fight. Not mine. Does anyone actually stop to think ,how the person you are dragging into this might be feeling? Do you ever stop to think  'hang on they are good friends and I'm saying all this shit about them? See , the thing about all this is, when you finish badmouthing that person or persons, and everything is rosy in the garden and everyone is best friends again and going for drinks like its some celebration, i always remember the names you called that person how you 'really' think that person is and how 'you never really liked them anyway' What a 'cunt,crazy,slapper,mentalist' they are and how you've always thought this.


Because if they are that bad , why do you still hang around together? only cos you heard something or read something that may or may not have been true you deem them to be the worst in the world, feel hard done by and come to me expecting me to think the same as you.But yet this all affected me badly. Cos now I'm left thinking this is what you actually think of each other and I'm the only one who knows this. If the person you think is so bad, was told what id know and what you actually think i GUARANTEE you would not be friends now. But I'm not vindictive. I'm not like that. Even if i was to do it, i can see how vindictive and how you twist things so ill end up looking like a trouble maker and this has happened a few times in the past.I'm sick of it . I'm sick of been made out the bad guy when everything is rosy again.

How many chances do you give someone?  When somebody is just letting you down and knowingly letting you down its heart breaking. How much is a person supposed to take?  How easy it is when all the drama is around you but no one takes the time out to think,  shit this must be affecting you pretty bad I'm sorry?  When trust is broken its hard to get back and you don't get the right to be annoyed if it takes that person a while to learn to trust you again.  Your the one that messed up.  Never just assume that after a few days everything is fine and forgotten about.  Likewise distancing yourself from that person isn't going to help.  You should be constantly telling that person how much they mean to you.  Whether it's a friend,  boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband.. Whatever..  You should be bending over backwards to regain what's lost.  

I'm sorry if anyone takes this personally that's not my intention. Like i said I'm not naming anyone or situations but no one ever actually seems to take me into consideration with this so even if I'm just taking to myself here at least ill listen.

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Stoned In Wonderland and Midgets

Hey there I'm very high.

So very high.I just thought id rattle off the random things that are popping in my head like,i think my head is a cave .Cos the TV is on and my Ma is talking to me but its like, i don't know ...its in a cave. Also i did some laundry and halfway through FOLDING the wet clothes before bringing them out to shake them open and hang up.. Read that again.. Yep i fold my wet clothes up neatly in a basket instead of just throwing them in to hang out. Like there going to get hung up but i fold them up. *facepalm*

Oh is it terrible of me that i was shocked to be watching , well i say watching.. a talent show in Ireland on the telly. Now what it is , is i came into the room and just sat down, my Ma was already watching it but one contestant was already singing some dreary country song. I was in a bit of a trance been whacked on the green and all when the singer finished and the host came on and the camera pulled away and there was a midget acceptable? dwarf? tiny person? vertically challenged? really small man ..He was the singer . It looked so odd and not in a bad way just like, a child's body and an old man face. That's all i see. Ive always been fascinated by them and not in a bad way. Just like , there so small how do they live, like in a normal house but everything at lower level. But what of shops with high shelves, what about 'you have to be THIS high to travel the ride' ...rides? Have they ever felt the thrill-near death experience of a rollercoaster ride?? I remember seeing a FAMILY of midgets..i feel weird saying midget it seems wrong but what do you call them,? But yeah a family, a Ma , a Da and a boy and a girl..Me and my friend Aisling, she can totally verify this story and that we saw them. I think we ditched college one day but not the day we ditched college to buy skateboards and went on a rampage through Dublin with them but another time we ditched college, we mostly went but we discovered weed too.. and we were walking up O'Connell St deciding what we would do when Aisling went very silent and seemed to be pushing me over the street when i stopped dead and looked behind me.I heard a low 'oh no' from Aisling  as i loudly exclaimed 'OH MY GOD WAS THAT A FAMILY OF MIDGETS' to a mortified Aisling..She muttered 'i was hoping you didn't see them' I jumped up and down once, wide eyed i  grabbed Ash and said 'oh my god lets follow them'  She said no.

I have a cup of tea in front of me and I'm thinking a crunchie would go well with it...

OK I'm back one cup of tea and 2 crunchies later.I thought they were bite sized for some reason. I don't know why .Crunchie doesn't even come in bite sized bars only the miniatures..I just put some rubbish and found it the most amusing thing Ive done because in the 80s growing up as a kid, we were told that by the year 2000 there would be robots in our homes doing our housework,taking out our rubbish..WHERES MY ROBOT damn it..

I feel like i should have a banjo right now. Like if you placed a banjo i could play it. I dont feel right without a banjo  :(

Nothing more gross than two old people kissing on Fair city.. Its an Irish TV Programme.A dreadful irish programme.That should have been taking of air a long time ago. a long long time ago.


Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Oh how i wish i was home in Amsterdam

Back in the day i frequented the Netherlands a lot. At least 3 times a year. Ill never forget the first time i was there. I was with my friend Brendan..who was my then boyfriend and we went for 2 and a half weeks taking in Belgium for a few days (never again) lol Brussels sucks.It just rains constantly and it burns you too..But I'm digressing..stupid Brussels *seethes at the memory* and of course we flew with Ryanair so we flew into Charleroi Airport. 3 HOURS away from Brussels.. and this man owns the company *facepalm*

But aaaaanyway.....

We were staying in the BOTEL for a few days in Amsterdam.Its basically a hotel but its a boat. Sounds great and exciting and is pretty much a rite of passage for most people when they go to Amsterdam first.But in reality its small and cramped and we were under the nightclub part of it. We got moved the next day to a better room though ;) But yeah, i only start smoking weed at 22. I say weed it was soapbar hash (oh the innocence of it all) but our first trip to Dam sorted us out. We got so high and laughed so much the whole time we were there.We decided that we would go back as much as we could. Which we did for the near 8 years we were together. But what i like mostly about Amsterdam was theres so many genuinely nice people there and in every Coffee shop, well the decent ones anyway, you never know who you end up talking too.

Listening to other backpackers, old stoners, coffeeshop workers, you are never alone. Theres always someone to pick you up and talk to . I love the architecture ,all the odd little museums, odd art galleries, Magic Mushroom stores, markets, its just such a neat place. I was there for Christmas 2 years back and my friend had to go do some business (hes a journalist) so rather than sitting in his apartment till he came back i took to the streets (not in a whore way lol ) and just wandered about, got high, ate food took some art shows in, talked for an hour to a rasta in a coffee shop, granted i could hardly understand him but i just smiled a lot and said oh jah man and he kept laughing.. Found some retro game stores, got talking for another hour to the 2 guys in there.Really i just talk to anyone .:D

For a long time too when i went there i would set aside a day to go get mushrooms and become like putty for a day. Laughing uncontrollably , crying uncontrollably and then laughing again. But every time i did a trip there i felt so relaxed and chilled for months. Then they went and banned them. Fucking right wing ,religious fanatical government. Now they want to ban tourists from buying weed and only if you live there you need a weit pass..a weed pass to buy..Yep, wait till the country goes to shit and all your transport and public facility's come crashing down around you, then that government will be out and peace will be restored once again. Let the morons have their day. But for now i like to keep my weed tinted glasses on and remember the fun i had been able to do something that is both perfectly natural and beneficial health wise to me in particular, and dream of the day i can go back, get stoned and hit the bakeries for the delicious strawberry shortcake tart, filled with cream and custard .

Man they were the best :)

Friday, 6 April 2012



Fraud"I was fucked by the McDonalds Drive Through."
Dismay"Oh, fuck it."
Trouble"Well, I guess I'm fucked again."
Aggression"Fuck you!!!"
Disgust"Fuck me!!!"
Confusion, Curiosity or Disbelief"What the fuck....?"
Difficulty"I don't understand this fucking thing."
Despair"Fucked again."
Good Job"Congratufuckinglations."
Incompetence"He fucks up everything."
Disappointment"This fucking fucker is fucked."
Intelligence"He's a fucking genius."
Dismissal"Why don't you go outside and play hide-and-go-fuck-yourself?"
Displeasure"What the fuck is going on?"
Lost"Where the fuck are we?"
Retaliation"Up your fucking ass!!!"
Laziness"He's just a fuck-off."
Pain"Fuck ! that hurt."
Pleasure"Oooooooh Fuuuuuuck"
Love"Do ya Fuck on first dates?"
Starting a relationship"Let's fuck now!"
Surprise"Fucking hell what was that?"
Admiration"Nice fucking tits!"
Stupid person"Dumbfuck!"
Hate"You Fuck!"
Condemnation"Fuck that shit!"
Disappointment"That's not fucking fair."
A poker hand"A Royal Fuck."
Ignorant person"Fuckstick."
Denial"I didn't fucking do it."
Perplexity"I know fuck all about it."
Apathy"Who gives a fuck" or "I don't give a fuck".
Confusion"What the fuck just happened?"
Resignation"Oh fuck it."
Suspicion"Who the fuck are you?"
Panic"Let's get the fuck out of here!"
Directions"Fuck off."
Sex"Let's fuck."
Ambiguity"I'm not so fucking sure."
Questioning Authority"Who the fuck do you think you are?"
Hypocrisy"Don't you dare fucking swear at me you fucking fucker."
Praising the Lord"Jesus Fucking Christ."
I have a headache"Go fuck yourself."
Refusal"Oh you can fuck right off."
Pissed off"Fuck the fucking fuckers!"
Be quiet"Shut the fuck up."
You're right"Fucking oath." (Australianism)
Ostentation"He's just bought a big, fuck-off Mercedes."
Sensuousness"She was wearing a pair of red leather, fuck-me boots."
Confidence"Fuckin' A."
Rage"Motherfucking fuckers!"
Impressed"That was fucking amazing."
Oral sex after 30 years of marriage"Fuck you!" (while passing each other in the hall)
Bewilderment or Ignorance"Fucked if I know."
Enraged"I'm gonna fuck you up!"
Annoyance"Fuck off, fucker."
Annoyance"For fuck's sake."
Pissed off"Fuck you, you fucking fuck."
Tardiness"It's ten-fucking-thirty already?"
Broken down motorcycle"Sir, the fucking fucker has fucked up on me.
Professional appraisal of mechanical failure"It's fucked."
Calling someone"Oy, fuck face!"
Completely nakedButthefucknaked
Low intelligenceFuckwit
A name for the penisFuckstick (as in "I'm going to jam my fuckstick right up you")
Very goodFan-fucking-tastic
Thanks"Fuck you very much."
ExhaustionI'm fucked!              

The Easter Bunny and other terrifing thoughts i had as a kid!

People say i tend to over think things and over analyse situations  a lot. I don't think i do, i just like to be prepared for any situation but even as i remember things i used to think as a kid, maybe i do..or did. Let me give you a couple of examples.


This mythical creature frighted the shit out of me as a kid. I mean, a giant rabbit..with a sack full of Easter eggs?? Bouncing around the world , breaking into houses and leaving chocolate eggs. Now let that sink in. A giant rabbit that was supposed to be extremely shy and didn't like people looking at him so did this at the dead of night. Once a year bounced around leaving eggs in peoples house? I often wondered how he didn't knock things over and how we didn't hear him bouncing in the house. Also why did does he wear a waistcoat but no trousers. He feels the need for a bow tie too. I just don't get it. i don't get why our parents tell us this. Can this bunny talk? is he mute? Why chocolate? Rabbits don't eat chocolate. Or like been indoors.


Now this is an odd one but i will share it. Back in the day my cousin Philip was serving in the Gulf War so i think it just crept into my consciousness. But i was terrified of Saddam Hussein and at the time they couldn't find him etc. I somehow convinced myself he lived in my attic only to crawl through the cavity's of my house at night to spy on me through air vents. I could swear he was there and made me Da eventually unscrew the vent to show me there was no way a man could stand there. I never questioned why my house? or why Ireland? lol This only stopped when Phil finished his service I was an odd child. I realise that i was just worried about Phil been in the Gulf and i was overthinking and 10 years of age lol


I stopped believing in religion when i was 7. A priest used to come into our classroom and tell bible stories. I don't remember the exact story he told that i questioned but i do know he used to eye me warily after it. I was a very shy quiet child in school. (IE) a nerd... but i remember exclaiming loudly 'wait these stories are supposed to be real' and laughing. I was viewed as an anti-Christ after that in his eyes I'm sure. I did say 'GROOOOSS' When i discovered we had to 'eat the body of christ' That priest hated me but i figure now if you cant handle a 7 year old questioning your own faith you're in the wrong job lol. But his inability to answer my questions made me realise is all crap. I'm a spiritual person but i don't believe in any organised religion. I believe in science and always did. I was a geeky kid and always wanted to know more. I asked the priest why weren't dinosaurs on the arc and he said 'dont be so stupid' and this coming from a man who believes in talking snakes.. go figure.Ill stop about that now but ill do my view on religion soon ;)

I know i have more odd thoughts but I'm hungry now and I'm going to make my dinner. Hope you all enjoy you're reenactments of nailing a dude to a cross and eating your chocolate as a mark of respect to him lol..

*rides out on a T-Rex*