Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Christmas Sucks!

So it's nearly Christmas again,  in a few short days we will be forced to spend the day with people who we avoid for the other part of the year in seething resentment, and pretend to all like eachother. 

We will all sit around in fake cheeriness, drinking to numb it all and pretend that 'its the most wonderful time of the year'  We will fix fake smiles on our faces as yet MORE relatives arrive with fake cheer.  In this time you want to just go get fucked up and (a)  slit your wrists or (b)  kill everyone in the room.

The one thing that really annoys me is people saying 'ah but it's Christmas ' so fucking what.. I'm still not gonna pretend to like the person just cos 'its Christmas'    So really don't try pull that shit on me.

The past few years I really have hated Christmas.  I used to think every year 'hmm maybe it'll be different this year' It never is.  Never will be.

My plan this year is just to get fucked up on Christmas day.  I have the place to myself for the whole day and will be for the first time,  alone on Christmas day.. I'm sure it's gonna be weird been alone but it beats the shit out of been bored and seething resentment. 

Happy fucking Holidays!


Friday, 16 December 2011

ENGLAND

So next year at some point i will move to Engerland..Fare thee well Ireland and all i know. But if the movies have taught me anything its that its a place to be feared and love. For instance Mary Poppins teaches us that most fathers in middle class England wear pipeline suits ,have stiff moustaches and hate their children. They would rather take in a clearly mentally disturbed woman,leave her with their kids and completely ignore the fact that this middle aged woman is a sorceress who makes underlined threats to your kids and forces them medicine with a spoonful of sugar...the sugar been Heroin.

But in other films the streets of London have singing chimney sweeps, HUNDREDS of them on every roof. Just singing. Theres mad pigeon woman everywhere too. You can buy a bag of bread crumbs and fed them..that's not weird at all.. On every street corner theres gangs of children, thieving. Working for a bloke called Finnegan. Every Christmas Eve you can hear the shrieks of Ebenezer Scrooge as he keeps Christmas spirit for like, 2 days then goes back to been a miser ,kicking children and aids victims everywhere he walks. Everyone has affairs, illicit children, are gay but cant come out and a single person can endure so much misery in just one day as was demonstrated on Coronation St, Eastenders etc.... But i can spend days not working in laundrettes,pubs or cafes meeting my Muslim lover while my black eunuch child trys to tell me he/shes gay.

On every corner theres a cockney, playing the old Joanna belting out war tunes while a busty pub maid brings him Eel pie but his teeth are so bad he kinda just, 'slurps' it up. All English men are either bumbling fools in love or wizards. Oh football louts too. On every match day , theres gangs on every corner with iron bars and knuckle dusters waiting for the opposing fans to appear. When in fact all they want to do is bum each other and go to card making class.

Theres a nonce in a chocolate factory who lures kids in with promises of 'lifetime worth of choclate' but offs the first four cos he reckons no one will believe the poor kid. Forever a sex slave to the nonce who never dies.

But besides all that i cant wait :D

E.T's Christmas celebrations

He came bearing gifts.  Told a few jokes while rolling,  then got drunk and bitched about his ex.  Before trying to start a fight with the Christmas tree.. Failing and passing out.

Bottom line: Never have an alien around for a night in.  They can't handle their Jack, Smoke all your green and piss on the sofa. 








Monkey butlers

So anyone who knows me will know i have a fascination with dwarves and monkeys. Now what these 2 fascinating things have in common is the clothes that fit dwarves will also fit monkeys.. Get a dwarf tuxedo and you have yourself a monkey butler.
Monkey butlers are useful creatures to have around but some stupid law says I can't have one. So I'm gonna start lobbying for the right to have a monkey and so what I please with him.. Be it, make him a skateboarding legend, a doctor or a butler..
Who else will peel my grapes, make me margaritas,  (i dont drink but that's not the point)  wash my clothes,  and bring me an ironed newspaper every morning... WHO?? 
So join me on January 23rd,  national monkey butler day,  I have declared it... And let's fight the fascists and their monkey hating ways..

Saturday, 10 December 2011

MICHAEL

So for the past few months now I have been with Michael and he came over a few days ago for a week. It was easily the best few days I've had in a long time. I missed him so much so it was so good to see him again. He is the most wonderful guy in the world and i love him so very much.  I know hes the one and can't bear to be without him. I went to pick him up in the airport that evening and my stomach was in knots waiting for him lol.

After that the week just flew by, too quickly for both of us. We just mostly hung out, played games,ate buttons,Pringles and pizza and i brought him into town to RAGE, a cool retro Vinyl/game shop where he nearly jizzed his pants at all the retro goodness that lay within. He ooh-ed and ahhh-ed at the consoles,  commodore 64s,dreamcast keyboards, etc, he was like a kid in a candy store. Lol

We just had so much fun that week and are so in tune with eachother,we were even finishing eachothers sentences and knew exactly what eachother was gonna say.  I never felt so strong for someone as i do for him. I can easy say we are gonna spend our lives together. I cannot imagine been with anyone else and as I lay here in his t-shirt missing him like crazy, all I wanna do is jump on a plane and go to him.

Hes seen me at my best and worst and still makes me feel wonderful. Hes seen my weird eating habits, i leave the corners of things and cut the ends of sausages or anything cylinder shaped, and still loves me lol.Waking up in the morning with him beside me was the best feeling in the world. I can't wait to see him again and just wanted to write a blog about him cos im missing him so much and wanted to tell everyone how wonderful he is. Oh and that I finally found a game i can beat him in.. Bust-a-Move, quite a few retro games I took him on in and whooped him lol ;)

He also tried to install Ubuntu on my computer (he hates microsoft and apple,just like me, see he's perfect :) but it wouldn't work, but he did fix my computer up so it runs better and reinstalled windows... *shudders*

Through him I also have met some truly wonderful people that I know I'm gonna be friends with for life. First there's Andrea, his best friend. She friended me straight away on facebook, when we got together first. He was on holiday at the time with her and her family in the States. She's been a real friend to me and is one of the first people id turn to if i had a problem. Plus she remembers our anniversary cos we always forget, pretty sure it's the 15th of July.. LOL shes married to Billy and has 4 beautiful children. A real friend. :) then there's Jason, he friended me next. I always have a giggle with jase teasing him about XBox and playing the Michael Jackson experience lol.. Then Nick friended me. All you need to know about Nick is that he's a fabulous Diva.Hes a funny guy with a heart of gold and through him I now know Jaxs, his girlfriend who I talk to constantly,shes a lovely girl and a right laugh. Then came Naomi, im pretty sure she's my sister shes such a giggle and such a good friend. She's a fabulous princess who needs her prince. I don't know what I'd do without her now. We also have formed a mad cockney gang and plan to take over London. Then Peter came along. Hes a Chelsea fan unfortunately but don't hold that against him lol. I am always in stitches laughing playing on PS3 with him. He makes up the funniest songs and is always up for a bit of banter :) and recently there's Adriana, a Harry Potter / Twilight fanatic, shes such a lovely girl and I love the way she thinks lol.

All these people i have met because of Michael. Hes brought so much into my life and im constantly smiling because of him :)

But I'm gonna leave it here cos im writing on my phone, that he could not keep his hands off by the way, and it's really late. I should sleep.. Feel free to post your vomit induced comments below or just to tell me to shut up.. Normal madness shall resume tomorrow...